Abra, Abracababra, I’m Gonna Reach Out And Grab Ya
by Cosmia
Summary: In which Arthur is obnoxious, Merlin has a major man crush, Morgana is frankly just a bit weepy and Gwen is a buxom, anarchic, match-making wench. Slash, yes, but only on a technicality. You'll love it.
1. Chapter 1

**Abra, Abracababra, I'm Gonna Reach Out And Grab Ya.**

In which Arthur is obnoxious, Merlin has a major man crush, Morgana is frankly just a bit weepy and Gwen is a buxom, Northern, match-making wench. Slash, but only on a technicality.

I disclaim! I own nothing. I am merely a poor student. All I own in the world is my computer, a lack-luster cat and a Brenville toastie maker.

Some bits follow the plot of the series. Other pieces just go off at an aggressive tangent. I think it's obvious which parts the BBC own, and which parts I dream up on buses. And I'm sorry, I start to swear irratically. You're safe for now. I use nice words in this chapter. However, I feel that something that is just so charming and safe usually needs spicing up, or at least me cussing wildly for a bit.

Chapter 1. In which we meet our lovely hero, his saviour, and his future lover, and learn never to trust a Weasley.

To avoid the daft boredom that might come with a parody, where I, your author, repeat the bleeding obvious for about five hundred words, I will throw you in at an appropriate moment, and expect you to swim with it.

And so instead of meeting our young hero as he enters Camelot, we meet him some time afterwards (although still in the same first episode, of course. Already he has seen many strange things. He has saved the life of a man whose catchphrase from yet another BBC comedy still haunts him [1]; he has seen a creepy Mrs Weasley swear to kill the son of the king (so, yeah, the prince) and he has a'spied a weepy woman from afar.

Unknown to him, the creepy Mrs Weasley has murdered this Welsh bird with voodoo magic.

This doesn't bother Merlin very much though, because he's started having dreams. Weird chanty dreams. But more on them later.

Having inadvertently revealed his magical powers to Gaius twice now, Merlin skips merrily away to explore Camelot. They sky is blue, the streets are clean. Cornwall's gone downhill a bit since the Dark Ages, you know.

However, while rambling around the dank streets of Camelot, Merlin spots a servant being abused and mocked by a gang of thuggish knights, in a rather charming way.

Psht. Even the streets of mythical castles aren't safe from the ABSO kids.

Anyway, these knight kids, they have knives and Merlin, being the kindly defender of the meek that he is, decides to stand up for the poor guy before someone gets hurt.

This whole event starts to unfold beneath the eyes of a mysterious buxom wench, leaning out of a window to shake a carpet.

"Come on, guys, that's enough," Merlin warns, pulling his best serious face. It doesn't work. The leader of these thuggish knights, a rather handsome fellow, sees right through our lovely, if slightly wet, warlock. He also doesn't like being referred to as an "arse."

This charming arsehole challenges Merlin.

"Do your worst!" he laughs. Merlin tries. He really does. It's just that fighting someone who you believe to be far more attractive than you is rather difficult, even to someone with major magical powers.

The charming arsehole gets him in a half nelson. The mysterious buxom wench winces.

"Who do you think you are, the king?" Merlin snaps.

"No, I'm his son," the charming arsehole snarls. "Arthur."

And so the arse has a face and a name and sadly, despite his best efforts to do the right thing, Merlin is thrown into a gaol for the night.

Enter, once again, the chick from Torchwood who is really Mrs Weasley in disguise. It's all very dark in Camelot, for some strange reason. Court ettiquette seems to be a bit odd regarding opera singers. She strides past the weepy woman, who we know now to be Morgana, and her mysterious buxom wench, to that man who may, if my sources are correct, have been on Buffy. He is Uther Pendragon, and he is totally fooled by Mrs Weasley's disguise. This is obviously because there are not enough mirrors or puddles in Camelot. This is quite odd. As I have said, this is meant to be Cornwall…

Once again, Merlin is hearing voices. Having spent the night in a prison cell, he's not in tip top condition, but it's a bit weird, even for a warlock.

Enter the livid Gaius. He races in, all hot and bothered, and starts to lecture Merlin, very loudly, about the importance of keeping his head down.

Two points, now, must ye know about Camelot:

The guards and soldiers, all over the castle, are either completely deaf or incredibly incompetent.

There only seems to be one axe in the entire castle…

Gaius, the kindly soul that he is, has arranged dear Merlin's release. However, he tells us, there is one small price to pay. However, it ain't all bad.

We find Merlin in Camelot's stocks. The good people of Camelot, in their felt costumes, have all turned out to throw rotten food at him. Gaius, who I have suddenly decided will from now on have a slightly odd, slightly perverse sense of humor, thinks the whole things is really quite funny.

Enter our mysterious buxom wench.

At first, Merlin pretends not to notice her. After all, he's a good boy, and you can never tell where oggling strange women in red dresses can get you. Especially when the dress-wearer in question is about to turn out to be a scarlet woman. A proper scarlet woman.

"Alright," she grins, siddling up to him. "I'm Gwen. Gwennie to you." She winks.

"I'm … Merlin." Merlin is a warlock. Extroverted girls scare him.

"I saw what you did with Gregs back there," she tells him, nodding with approval and an upside down smile.

"I was really stupid."

"Nah, mate. You were cool," she tells him modestly. "Shame you didn't win though, but it's good you didn't, otherwise I'd be scraping your remains off the side of the castle. Arthur's a cutie but a total arsehole."

"I could have beaten him," Merlin says, trying to appear cool and worthy in this conversation. Gwen, though, has had much practice with the whole talking-to-scrawny-easily-put-down-nerds thing, and so kindly agrees with him. "What?" says Merlin, sensing her blatant, undisguised disbelief.

"Yeah, no, Arthur'd take you in a fight. He's rough and buff and fights because he thinks it's macho. You strike me as one of these painty-wainty sensitive guys."

"Ah, well, you see," Merlin smiles, "I'm in disguise."

Gwen laughs her unladylike wench laugh.

"Oh, sweetheart, I like you," she says. "I'm totally for your cause of fighting the oppressor, by the way, even if he is mightily hot."

"Well, when the revolution starts, I'll tell them you're with me," Merlin says. Gwen decides, once and for all, that she rather likes this odd nerdy bloke, even if he is covered in tomato seeds.

Over dinner, Merlin gets a little bit of background history as to why being magical is so illegal. Apparently, it disturbs the natural order of things. The newly discovered Revolutionary!Merlin likes this idea. He also discovers that there's actually a dragon living under Camelot. Uther really hasn't got a clue about health and safety, it seems.

Merlin is then sent on a little journey to give the opera singer we know to be the evil Mrs Weasley a drink that, to me, just looks like a smoothie. For no reason at all, he then starts rooting through her things, until he comes across a mysterious notebook, but before he can get inside (his methods of investigation are impeded by Ye Olde Garden Twine), he's interupted by said creepy Mrs Weasley, but runs away. She doesn't suspect a thing; all the more fool her.

Back on the dank streets of Camelot the next day, whilst minding his own business, Merlin is happened upon by Arthur and his ASBO kids. Oh, this doesn't look good.

"I could take you apart with one blow," Arthur boasts.

"I could take you apart with less than that," Merlin tells him. Fighting talk from the warlock! Arthur and his lovely cheekbones don't like that, no, not one bit. For some bizarre reason, Arthur hands him a mace and tells him to fight, warning Merlin that he has been trained to kill since birth.

"And how long have you been training to be a prat?" Merlin asks. Nice comeback there, we think, but he's a fool. You ain't going to beat the blondie, warlock.

And suddenly, for no reason other than Arthur's too much of an obnoxious fool to just back away, the two of them start racing through the markets of Camelot, maces blazing, acting like they're part of some sort of game, not caring at all about the damage they reek. Plums are smashed and baskets violently overturned, but neither lad, it seems, really cares. Merlin does a lot of running away, while Arthur, livid fool that he is, springs over tables in a rather dashing manner, trying to attack this peasant with no respect for the system.

Merlin's winning, he really is, but then he spots Gaius in the crowd looking vaguely disapproving, and allows this to distract him. Not a very good idea, if there's an angry young man laying beneath you on sacks. Sure enough, the dashing Arthur takes him out with a broom.

Now, we see a kind of angsty, angry side of the loveable, if slight creepy Gaius. Until now, we believed him to be a bit like that foppy-haired, middle aged uncle that stays over at Christmas. You know the one. Married to a woman called Penelope. Says "baahh!" occasionally. The one you like to giggle about if you've got the type of parents who think he's a good sport, but a bit odd. Like chocolate pudding.

However, Gaius suddenly lashes out at dear Merlin, accusing him of being a fool. Which, truth be told, he has been but Merlin doesn't see it like that.

"If I haven't got magic, I haven't got anything!" he cried

"If I haven't got you, it means nothing," Gaius wails, breaking into Ye Olde Stereophonics. This doesn't cheer Merlin up though.

"If I can't use magic, I might as well die!"

Instead of putting this all down to a bout of Ye Olde Teenage Hormones, Gaius sighs, gets a pot of water, and trundled up to Merlin's room, when the aforementioned warlock lays on his bed, moping.

"Sit up and take your shirt off," he says.

What ho! Cries the sort of fangirl who rather fancies geeky men with big ears and messy hair.

"You don't know why I was born like this, do you?" the now topless Merlin asks Gaius. "I'm not a monster, am I?" Oh, he looks quite forlorn, what with his lovely skin and really rather lovely shoulders! Luckily, Gaius tells him to snap out of it, but this does nothing to make our delightful warlock feel any better. Neither does the daft flute music playing during this scene.

That doesn't surprise me. I'm not a flute lover.

No offence, flutists of the world.

Now, we jump back to evil Mrs Weasley and tosspot Uther. She makes dark illusions to the fact that Uther has heartlessly beheaded her son, not three days ago, and then declared a public holiday. Can he not sense her evil plans? Is he that oblivious?

Yes, it seems is the answer. Yes indeed.

The voices are calling Merlin again. He creeps away into the night. He is, after all, our clumsy yet plucky hero; who could expect anything else?

Another point about Camelot:

The dungeons, and in fact any place of security in the castle, usually turns out to be appallingly badly protected. Two blind cats and an elderly rooster could probably stage a military coup in Camelot and succeed, looking at the security of the place.

Striding into the dungeons where the doors are, literally, wide open, Merlin follows the mysterious voice and stumbles into a giant cave.

Enter the giggling dragon, who proceeds to speak in nothing but riddles to an incredibly baffled Merlin.

"Who are you? What do you want?"

"I will tell you your destiny Merlin…"

"My destiny?"

"My first is in pea, but not in canoe…"

"Right…" Speaking with ellipses, it seems, was becoming contagious in this cave.

"There is no right or wrong, Merlin. Only what is and isn't."

Merlin is a patient creature, but speaking to a dragon who point blank refuses to make any sense, in the middle of the night, wasn't making him feel any more confident in his powers.

"It is your destiny to help Arthur," the giggling dragon says.

"Er, no," Merlin tells him. "This Arthur's a twat. He isn't going to help anyone."

"Maybe it is your destiny to change that."

"Hang on, you just said – No wait!"

But it's too late. The giggling dragon flutters his wings and flaps up to the sky, or the top of the cave, which, in itself, is an entirely pointless move, as it is on a chain. A long chain, but a chain none the less, and a dragon, though a mythical beast, can only hover for so long.

Merlin wakes up, being berated by Gaius for being messy, but it's alright because he's back to being chirpy and quite sweet. Gaius then orders him to go pick herbs, one of which, henbane, I could swear is a poison.

Merlin then hurries up to Morgana's room to give her something to sleep. Hopefully not henbane; she might never wake up. Morgana, though not weeping, mistakes Merlin for wenchie Gwen, and proceeds to gossip to him as if he were a her. She then proceeds to get undressed behind a screen. What must Merlin think of the women of Camelot?

She potters on about the dashing prince arsehole – Arthur this and Arthur that. Merlin makes vague noises.

"Gwen?" Morgana asks. "Gwen, where are you?"

Fearing she might be about to come over all teary-eyed, and that this in tern will give his position away, Merlin panics. However, just at that moment, Gwen enters. Through the medium of bizarrely vague hand signals, he manages to relay what he is here for, before dashing away as Gwen grabs a box of Ye Olde Kleenex and hurling it at the king's ward.

Morgana instantly cheers up and starts talking of dresses again.

Deep in the recesses of Camelot's guest chambers, a bumbling and rather vacant servant girl is providing fruit for the evil Mrs Weasley. She's pottering around, making vague noises when she makes the mistake of removing the dust sheet the evil Weasley has put over a mirror to stop her true identity from being revealed!

She kills said servant by, it seems, breathing in.

Shame. She had lovely hair, that girl.

And so to that feast everyone's been talking about! Gaius and Merlin enter, with Gauis looking a bit lost and Merlin looking a bit like a gardener. Our favourite warlock spots arsey Arthur, but Gaius is like 'leave it, he's not worth it' and so he lets him go.

Enter Morgana, in a scrumptious red number and some more Ye Olde Garden Twine tied around her head. Every man in the room is distracted, but as our lovely physician friend reminds Merlin, he's here to work, not to oggle princesses. After all, that's Arthur's job.

"She looks great, doesn't she?" a voice at Merlin's albow squeaks. "I mean, she wanted to stay modest, what with her being a princess and all, but I think I can rightly say I've made Morgana the most gorgeous woman in Camelot."

"Single handedly?"

"Single handedly. I, Gwen, am a genius."

"You didn't just give her a tarty dress and shout at her until she put it on?"

"Sometimes, Merlin," the maid pouts. "I dislike you greatly. She is just born to be queen."

"No!" Merlin exclaims. Gwen looks rather confused.

"Well, I hope so. After all, they are the two best looking creatures in this kingdom. Elxcuding me, but then one can't include oneself in these things-"

"She's going to marry him?"

"Well, I don't know, but I bet she will. She nice, he's an arse. It's the way of the world."

Merlin feels mildly heartbroken, but can't really work out why.

"Would you want to marry him?" he asks.

"Nah, mate. Too easy. I could have him like that if I wanted to, mind, he just isn't my type."

"And what is your type?"

"A tall, dark revolutionary with really nice hands," she says dreamily, setting her jug down on the table and grinning inainly.

"What, like me?"

"Ah, don't be so vain, you tosspot."

It's coming to the time when the evil Mrs Weasley will make her nasty plans happen. With a tap of her cleavage, she strides past the dead body of the rambling maid and into action.

"We have enjoyed twenty years of peace and prosperity," Uther says. Note he's omited that incident the other day with the evil magic bloke and the homicidal mother? "And they have brought me many pleasures, but few have been as good as introducing…"

Because I cannot remember her actual name, the woman evil Mrs Weasley has murdered's name has been replaced by an ellipses.

Said foul temptress takes to the stage and commences her singing.

"Men of Harlech, march to glory, victory is hov'ring o'er ye," she sings. Spotting the fact that lots of people are falling asleep, Merlin sticks his hands over his ears as what is occurring suddenly become clear to him.

"Oh, sweet Jesus!" he hisses. "She's using the power of Welsh against us!"

Sure enough, cobwebs spring out of nowhere and the skies darken as she strides towards Arthur, with rather obvious murderous intentions.

Despite the fact that Arthur's a bit of a prick, Merlin can't let him die. What did the dragon say? Their destinies had something in common, or something like that.

Just as the creepy Weasley reaches the climax of her song, just as she's about to knife lovely Arthur between the eyes, Merlin steps in and makes the chandelier lands on her head.

People begin to rouse, and the royals among them look a bit confused as to how they got covered in cobwebs. Morgana must be mightily baffled; surely, if she's just come out of an enchanted sleep, she must have a handsome prince.

Being crushed by a big metal wheel doesn't stop crazy Weasley woman though. With one last burst of hate, she throws the knife at Arthur's lovely face, and like the stupid git he is, he just stands there.

Merlin to the rescue once again! Using his cool eye, he slows down time, and then, with precision and skill last seen on the Matrix, he leaps out and floors the prince.

And damn, despite his cold exterior, Merlin thinks, he feels good in his arms, even with that stupid jacket.

Evil Mrs Weasley promptly dies on the floor, and Merlin reluctantly relinquishes the rather handsome fellow in his arms.

Uther's very pleased with Merlin for this wonderful selfless act, but then cocks it all up hilariously by giving Merlin a position as Arthur's manservant.

The crowd (of about twenty) bursts into applause. Gaius looks vaguely pleased he won't have Merlin under his feet all day, and Gwen smirks at him and mouths 'get in there.'

Despite all this merriment, we join Merlin later, still looking quite sad over his lack of magical knowledge. However, it's alright, because Gaius come in to cheer him up, and tells him he thinks that the young warlock's magic is cool, and that he will now fully encourage him. To cheer him up even further, Gaius hands him his copy of Ye Olde Spells, to assist Merlin's education.

His face lights up, and even as he's called away to attend Arthur, you couldn't find a happier little warlock in the whole of Camelot.

[1] One Foot In The Grave FTW.

Will we discover redeaming features in the handsome Arthur's demeaner? Will Merlin find love? And will the dragon start making sense? It'll get sordid. It'll get cheesy. Tune in to the next installment of this wonderful parody to find out.

Or at least get closer to the truth. There are, after all, about thirteen episodes, and anyway, Rome wasn't built in a day.

Do keep reading! Reviewers are given cake (if my caking skills improve).


	2. Chapter 2

Hello again. I come bringing tidings of Merlin, for I have another episode for you to feast your eyes on. I have also realised that my just jumping from scene to scene might be a bit baffling, so have decided to add some stars in to help you see when I'm jumping around. This chapter's longer (yay!) so I hope you like it. Currently avoiding working by making this, so I hope you enjoy it!

Chapter 2. In which we learn the dangers of irate snakes and Gwen and Morgana attempt to become golddiggers. 

Welcome, I beseech you, to what should be the annual Camelot It's A Knockout [1] championships. However, ever since knights and their swords appeared in these parts, the beautiful, innocent game has been cruelly made far more violent in favour of watching men leaping around in armour getting hot and bothered because they can't kill someone.

Now, for the last few years, Arthur, prince of the arslochs (if you'll excuse my appalling German) won this tournament, proving once and for all that he is the best in the land at waving his sword and snarling.

There's this one knight, though, who doesn't like this. His name is Valiant, and he's out to play dirty in order to win.

We find him in a dodgy shield shop, purchasing an illicit shield. This one's got snakes in it, and if you slur at it for a bit, they come alive and slither you to death, as Valiant promptly demonstarate but getting his snakes to kill the poor bloke who just sold him the shield. With his smart new orange outfit, he's all ready to go fight at Camelot. Nothing can stop him…

*****

Meanwhile, back in the good part of Camelot, Arthur is abusing our favourite warlock's good nature by beating him with swords. While Arthur looks dashing and like he's off to marry a fair maiden (though not if this plotline can help it!), Merlin looks a bit like the tin man from The Wizard of Oz. Sadly, as there are no munchkins to help our dear Merlin, he is trapped in a tin suit being bashed repeatly by a prince with a big shiny stick. Fun.

*****

Having neglected it, I feel, in the last instalment, I feel Gaius' perverse sense of humour should return. Upon seeing Merlin in pain and suffering from the after effect of what must feel like having a tin bucket put on your head, and then having rocks thrown at said tin bucket, Gaius starts cackling moronically. He is a physician to a court that seems to specialise in dying in mysterious and magical ways; he's got to draw amusement where he can.

Merlin tries to cheer himself up with a bit of magic, but Gaius gives him a slap for that. Careless magic's bad, remember? Uther could turn up and chop off your head.

To distract Merlin from his heretical thoughts, the lovely physician launches into some hardcore chiropractice on his back, hoping that pain will stop Merlin's curious thinking.

Merlin grumbles and mumbles about the fact he has to clear horse shit, but, as Gaius fairly reminds him, though Arthur gets the girls and the glory now, he's going to be picking up the metaphorical and verbal horse shit for the rest of his life when he becomes king.

*****

In an attempt to get better at whatever it is he's supposed to be doing all day, Merlin pays a visit to the buxom wench he now calls his fellow revolutionary, Gwen.

"There were bitches to the left of me, and this tosser was like 'so, shall we take it outside?' and I was like 'how do I say "fuck you sweetheart" without being rude' and then! Then, he tried to grope me, so I went fully livid on him and bam, he was out cold. But that wasn't the end of it!" Despite the full stops, she hadn't stopped for air at all during that monologue, and wasn't looking like she was going to now. "There were people all around, most of them pissed out their head, right? And one just go, bang, and all hell breaks loose! Mugs and chairs and all, flying all over the room. So I did the only thing a modest girl such as myself could do." She pauses for dramatic effect.

"What was that?"

"I jumped over the counter, nutted some bloke and got out the door." She shoots him a look of triumph. "Anyway, enough about my evening! Let's get you into some armour." She proceeds to wave various shiny things at him and instructs him, with lightening speed, on their processes of application, and finally, comes to the conclusion that Merlin has not been fed properly, ever.

Despite being slightly insulted by this, Merlin thanks her and skips away to help the glorious Arthur.

*****

There's obviously something about Arthur. Whenever Merlin tries to go near him, whenever he tries to do something competently, it all goes to fucksy and he seems to become some sort of clumsy monster. Even his attempts at small talk go to pot, and Merlin is indeed the king of small talk. He doesn't seem to realise that chatting lightly is not something a knight does before a tournament, especially one where you might get, I don't know, killed.

Tournaments seem to amuse the people of Camelot. Uther and Arthur like the fighting, Gaius gets to laugh at the grievously injured and Gwen and Morgana can make bets as to who's going to crash and burn first. Morgana, I have decided, is a bit of a gambling fiend.

And so all these hunks from across the kingdoms arrive in Camelot. Of course, this being the BBC, it isn't quite as specatular as that bit in Lord of the Rings, but you get my drift. It's still pretty cool.

Uther makes a little speech to the knights, where he tells them that it's going to be hard and fight-y.

"See that one in the yellow?" Morgana hisses. "I'll put eightpence on him."

"Morgs-"

"Can't you see his limp? He'll be out in the first round. Eightpence. What's the matter? Too chicken to bet?"

The thing is, though, Gwen isn't too chicken to bet. However, she is a lot better than Morgana at gambling. Morgana has lots of money but no skill. Gwen is shrewd and careful.

"Only one will be declare the winner though," Uther says. "And he will win this hoard of one thousand gold coins."

"One thousand gold coins, eh?" Gwen murmurs. "A girl could do a lot of things with a thousand gold coins."

And the competition commences.

"Hey, Gwen," Morgana grins. "I have a plan."

"Does this plan involve visiting Ye Olde Bookies? Because you know what Uther's said about that. I'm to restrain you with any means possible."

"No, no, no," our favourite willowy sort-of-heroine says. "Something far more cunning."

"In which case," Gwen says. "I am all ears."

Arthur is winning. What a surprise.

However, as Merlin points out, Valiant is pretty handy with that sword of his, taking out that everyone in his path. As he offers Arthur his congratulations, Merlin feels something nasty stir within him.

And however bemused he is at Merlin's feeble insulting of his rivals, it does not stop him landing Merlin with the job of cleaning everything.

*****

"Are we ready?"

"Blates are."

Gwen and Morgana decide to put their amazing plan into action.

"You take Arthur and Mr Valiant," Gwen says, nodding to the rather rough looking bloke in mustard yellow. "And I'll take everyone else."

"Why do I have to take Arthur?" Morgana says, pulling a face.

"Because, sweetheart, you have grace and elegance, and I am merely easy. The big guns don't want easy, they want sophisticated."

"May I introduce my ward, the Lady Morgana," Uther says, butting in on their last minute preparations with Valiant himself. Gwen winks, completely inconspicuously, nodding and coughing to where Arthur, several places back in the queue of knights, is craning his neck in an attempt to see what is going on.

"I understand," Valiant says in his very smoothest tones, "that the winner of the tournament has the honour of escorting our Lady to the ball."

"Mm, indeed," Morgana says, eyes glinting.

"Then I wish very much to win," Valiant says, and strides off. The girls watch him leave.

"Is that normal?" Morgana asks.

"You're a natural," Gwen assures her. "Golddigger highfive?"

Enter Arthur, who by now looks rather broody and a bit cross at the fact that Valiant appears to be stealing one of his girls.

"He's a bit of a tosser," he says.

"Oh, I thought he was rather impressive today," Morgana says smugly.

"Well, he'll do well to keep him hands off my birds," the prince says.

"I am not one of your birds." Gwen fails to stifle a laugh.

"I'm not jealous," Arthur snaps, before striding off. The two girls exchange glances.

"Tosspot."

*****

Upon entering the armour the following morning, Merlin hears a hiss. Usually, he'd put this down to the weird smells of Camelot or his giggling dragon doing things to his head, but this sounds like a very real hiss, and the scary jangly sounds that accompany the scene confirm his thoughts. He spots one of the snakes on Valiant's shield winking at him.

Oh my, he thinks at first. I'm being come on to by a snake!

Wait a minute…

He's about to reach out and test the paintwork when out of no where, a sword whizzes out and points at him.

"Ere, you," Valiant (for it is Valiant) says. "Can I help you with something boy?"

Merlin isn't stupid. He knows that now, as someone is clearly point a big sharp sword at his face, is not the time to say "yeah, there's something hissing on your shield. Can I have a look?"

Instead, he fumbles with armour and runs away. Clever he is, but fearless, thankfully, the warlock ain't.

He arrives to dress the sceptical Arthur, but this time, he's alright. Obviously, forgetting anything Gwen might have told him has probably helped, because now, our crown prince looks rather dashing.

Arthur goes out to partake in some more highly violent Ye Olde It's A Knockout, and Merlin takes up his usual position behind a crenulations, where he can observe today's gory action from afar.

"Why hello there," a familiar, well-spoken voice says. "Here for the fun too?"

"Gaius? Should you be up in the stands in case someone gets hurt?"

"Nah. There's a better view from up here." Seeing a contestant getting clouted, he lets out a cackle. Merlin just looks vaguely baffled.

"I tell you," Gwen says to Morgana as they watch yet another two contestants try to knock each out. "I hope this one doesn't go down. He was lovely last night."

However! Unbeknowst to everyone else in Camelot, Valiant is about to use his evil hissing shield for bad, bad means. Seeing he might lose this fight, he belly-flops onto a knight and orders his evil serpants to bite him. The result is that we have one unconscious, poisoned knight, a victorious Valiant and a rather miffed Gwen.

"You know, I think he's badly hurt," Merlin says.

"Bah," Gaius grumbles. "Duty calls."

*****

Gaius suspects that something is up. After all, it is very unlikely that you can receive wounds that look suspiciously like fang marks from a sword.

"I think he's been poisoned," he tells Merlin, who, today, is being a bit slow.

"What, poisoned?"

"Yes, poisoned. From a snake, I believe."

"A snake?"

"Yes a snake."

"What can you do?" he asks. Gaius shrugs indifferently.

"Well, if I can get the snake vemon, I can make an antidote, I suppose."

"And if not?"

"Well, then he dies." Seeing that he can't really do anything of any proper use, Gaius just decides to sit down and dab the poor knight with a flannel.

Once again, it'll be Merlin to the rescue.

"Oh Arthur, he's so valiant and dashing and wonderful," he whines as he sneaks stealthily down the the armoury. "I bet you wouldn't find Arthur creeping around all over the bloody place, hiding behind sodding pillars, trying to save people's lives!"

Oddly, and despite all his magical prowess, Merlin doesn't decide to turn himself invisible and just clout Valiant over the head with a bucket. No, he's far to brave for that. He peers into the curiously unlocked door of the armour, and spots Valiant doing something deviant to a mouse.

Ho hum! What is happening here? Merlin thinks.

Suddenly, the snakes on Valiant's shield spring to life and leap out, in an attempt to get at the mouse.

"Oh no!" Merlin whispers. "The tosser! He's using magic to win!" However, this attracts Valiant's attention, and Merlin is forced to make a run for it.

He arrives back at the royal physician's apartments to find Gaius having a little read.

"He's using magic," Merlin says to the indifferent Gaius.

"Is he?"

"Yes! It's unfair and bad and I'm going to tell Arthur." Gaius pulls a face. He doesn't want Merlin throwing all his cards at the feet of a fool like Arthur, especially when that narrow-minded fool Uther could be waiting to pounce. Obviously, Gaius realises, Merlin isn't going to be able to keep his secret forever. Why, a boy like him is as daft as a brush. Gaius has plans for this though. A couple of sacks of gold and a fast horse are all he needs, and he'll be out of Camelot long before the first pieces of you-know-what start to hit the fan.

However, at the moment, the couple of sacks of gold and the sudden retirement plan are still metaphorical, and anyway, Camelot is still the warmest place Gaius has ever lived. He isn't prepared to give that up yet.

So instead, he persuades Merlin that what he really wants is proof.

"But Uther never needs proof!" Merlin protests.

"That's because Uther's king. When you're king, you can arrest people and crush rebellions and the like, but until then, you're going to have to resort to finding out the truth like everyone else."

"Are you saying my word doesn't count because I'm a servant?" the warlock asks.

"Well, when you put it like that, it sounds unfair and like some sort of elitist system, but basically, yeah."

System be damned! Merlin thinks as he storms away to bed. I'll find a way of fighting you yet!

*****

Having beaten basically everyone, it soon becomes clear that it's going to be Arthur versus Valiant in the final. Gwen and Morgana are rather pleased. Their plan is going well.

Merlin, though, realises this is very bad news. Valiant might try and kill Arthur, and that'd be bad news for everyone.

Late that night, while checking to see that the knight that may have been viciously nibbled by one of Valiant's snakes is still alive, Merlin and Gaius concoct a plan. They are going to get one of the snakes, cure the nameless unconscious knight who is currently occupying floorspace in the kitchen, and expose Valiant for the fraud he really is.

So, Merlin weaves and dives around Camelot, gets a snake head, and then rushes to Arthur to explain what is happening. Arthur promptly demostrates some good virtues and believes him. He also allows Merlin an audience with Uther.

This doesn't go well. Ewan, who, according to Wikipedia, is the nameless knight laying in the middle of Gaius' kitchen floor, comes around but is mauled by snakes again, and dies. When Uther finds out, he shouts at Merlin and refuses to believe a word he says.

Valiant is noticably smug at this. The bastard.

Arthur, now humliated in some way (bloody knight's code. Can't make head nor tale of it) takes it out on Merlin, firing him.

Poor Merlin. In an attempt to cheer himself up, he goes to visit the giggling dragon, to do some more shouting. Once again, Camelot's security service fails to protect anything. No wonder the streets are crawling with evil wizards! However, even the dragon cannot cheer him up. Once again, the dragon speaks only of paths and wholes, until Merlin feels like he has been transported into a very odd geometry lesson.

"Just give me a straight answer!" he cries, but to no avail. The dragon flaps away, and he is left alone.

*****

All is not lost, however. As he sits moping on the steps of Camelot, Merlin is joined by a familiar face.

"Don't worry, sweetheart, I believe you." Gwen gives him a sympathetic squeeze.

"As much as I appreciate that, you're not Uther, so it doesn't matter."

"Ah, the bloody system again," she says, shaking her head. "Anyway," she adds, looking around. "I have a plan that you could use to prove you were right."

Oh no, Merlin thinks. She knows I'm magic. She's told Uther. I'm going to die. Half of me's going to be on a stick by lunchtime tomorrow.

"Oh yes?" he asks cautiously.

"Sock puppets."

"Gwen, I know it's only six, but have you been drinking?"

"No!" she says, pouting. "I have many very good ideas. Like this one. What you have to do is get some yellow socks and fill them with straw-"

"Is your plan to mildly iratate a knight by putting scratchy plants in his socks? Because if it is, I have a feeling it might not work."

"Well," Gwen says in her cunning voice, "if he's allergic to cats, I've already seen to it."

"And if he isn't?"

"Then he'll just be mildly amused to find two kittens in his bed. Never mind that, listen. What you do if get the socks and I'll sew some eyes on them and then when it looks like he's about to do something bad to Arthur, you throw the socks in, and I'll start a riot. In the panic, no one will notice and hopefully he'll give himself away." She nods enthusiastically.

"What if he doesn't give himself away?"

"Well, then I suppose we might be buggered but at least we tried. Anyway, whatever you come up with, you've got a fully trained femme fatale on your side." She winks.

"I've got an idea!" he cries.

"Oh thank God. I can't sew to save my life."

"Hurry," he says. "Help me steal this dog."

*****

It seems Merlin isn't the only one having weird dreams. Weepy Morgana seems to be suffering from nightmeres, and in this one, she sees Arthur being hacked up by Valiant.

From her window, in the early hours of the morning, she see Arthur practise his fighting. Poor soul, she thinks kindly. He does try hard.

Merlin too is awake, but he is at least trying to do something with his head. However, his plan to bring the snakes to life using magic isn't really working as well as he'd hoped.

Instead, he leaves the stone dog he and Gwen have pikeyed and goes to visit Arthur to beg him not to fight. Arse he might be, but Merlin doesn't want the guy to die. He's become quite attached to him over these past few days.

Arthur won't listen though. He keeps talking about honour and glory and cowardice, and how important it is for the people to see their prince being brave. Merlin thinks most of this is bullshit, but he won't say it.

"It's my duty," Arthur says. Oh my, he looks so sad, what with those broad, brooding shoulders. Merlin just wants to give him a hug, but he can't. That's not the Camelot way.

*****

In a last ditch attempt to get Arthur to pull out of the fight everyone knows he will die in, Morgana appears in a long floaty dress and sets about fiddling with his armour. She just can't bring herself to get him to pull out though, because she knows that in order to do that, she'll have to tell him she loves him, and she won't do that because she blatently doesn't. Instead, she just tells him to be careful.

And so, all dressed up in his dashing red armour, Arthur stride out to meet his destiny. Gwen and Morgana look on with apprihention and worry from the sidelines. Maybe this goddigger lark wasn't such a good idea after all.

Merlin, meanwhile, has, after a long night of chanting, has succeeded! With posthaste, he hurries down to the stadium when the knights are having it out.

Valiant manages to all but stripe Arthur, but Merlin's ready for that. With a couple of well chosen magical words, he brings the snakes to life. Valiant is exposed as a fraud.

"Shit," Gwen winces. "I hate snakes."

"Now we see you for what you really are!" Arthur crows.

"Pht," Valiant shrugs. "Kill 'im."

The snakes make a dash towards the crown prince, but it's alright.

"Arthur!" Morgana yells, tossing him a sword. He catches it, beheads the snakes, and promptly stabs Valiant, who slides to the ground next to his snakes.

The crowd bursts into riotous applause.

"We still sticking to the plan?" Gwen asks.

"Like hell," Morgana grins.

It might just be the chanting crowds or the adrenalin, but Merlin feels something tug inside him for the prince. He has to admit, even with a light sheen of sweat, he does look rather dashing and rather handsome.

*****

And so to another feast. The tables are laden, the goblets are full and Arthur is wearing his shiny headband that almost passes for a crown.

"Sorry you lost out on Valiant," Arthur says, trying to keep the smugness out of his voice. Morgana shrugs.

"He wasn't champion material." She's a princess. She knows how to stroke a guy's ego.

"It was some championship final," Arthur conceeds.

"Mm, I know," she says. "It's not everyday you get saved by a girl."

"Er, well, actually, no!" Arthur blusters. Morgana laughs.

"Oh, you look so cute when you try to do a chauvanist pig!" she laughs. "Well, you don't need to thank me," she says, as she spots Gwen sneaking out the hall with a suspicious, box-shaped object not-so-well hidden in the folds of her dress. "I think I'll manage that on my own." She strides off to split the mysterious gold coins Gwen has suddenly discovered. That's five hundred gold coins towards my eloping funds, she thinks.

Arthur then bumbles up to Merlin, vaguely apologises for being wrong, and gives him his job back. This is all terribly sweet, and our young warlock's heart simply melts.

"My chambers are a mess, I have numarate things for you to polish, my horses need cleaning and I have many other menial tasks for you to do…" Arthur says, but Merlin isn't listening.

"Sure," he grins as the prince slips away.

"All's well that ends well," a familiar Northern voice says in his ear.

"I think I love him," Merlin sighs. Gwen doesn't miss a beat, and does a little dance while clutching a large purse.

"Hurrah! More money for me!"

"What?" Merlin says, blushing.

"Morgs and I had a bet how long it'd take you to fall in love with someone, and I win."

"You can't tell her," Merlin pleads. "She'll tell him, and I don't want that to happen. It'll all go wrong, and I've only known him for a few days. He might be horrible and I might change my mind."

"Oh, it's so sweet," Gwen grins. "No, I shan't tell a soul, I promise. But I shall make him fall in love with you. I swear."

"Oh my Christ," Merlin mutters.

"It shall be my new project. Make Arthur fall in love with you, my sweet. Oh, it's so damn romantic."

"You're a slag! You're not supposed to be a romantic!" the warlock wails. "Can't you just leave me alone!"

"Nah, mate, not now," she grins, entwining his arm in hers. "Anyway, tonight."

"I'm working," Merlin says, nodding to the feasting nobles. "These good people have to eat."

"I've got Gregs to cover you, don't worry," Gwen grins, pulling his arm. "Come on. I'm going to show you how we party in Camelot."

[1] It was a kind of very crappy, very English version of Tacechies (sp.) Castle in the 1970s. It's A Royal Knockout may very well be the single most cringworthy, and yet single funniest thing I have ever seen.

Will Merlin survive a night out on the town with Gwen? Will Morgana succeed in finding someone to elope with? And will Gwen actually manage to make Arthur fall madly in love with the man of his dreams? Tune in to the next installment of this beautiful parody to find out more…

Much love and kisses to everyone who in someway was nice about this tale. If I could, I would unstale the Mr Kiplings, remove them from my cat and give them to you. (My cat likes stale cake. It's not abuse, promise.) Should you continue saying nice things, I will try and come up with something original I can promise to give you.


	3. Chapter 3

Here's another chapter for your beautiful eyes. They keep getting longer and longer with each one I write. Do tell me if this gets annoying, because I can update in two seperate chapters if it'd be more convient/easier to read. Let me know; I'm a very open person.

Chapter 3. In which we learn the dangers of beautiful women and Gwen is exposed as a danger to herself.

We rejoin these great tales somewhere in the bowels of Camelot, where we are introduced to the gorgeous Nimueh with the lovely flowing hair and her psychopathic tendencies. She appears to be washing a stone monkey. No harm in that, I hear you say. However, this ain't no ordinary stone monkey. Locking it inside a Kinder Egg and chanting, she gives it a tap and drops it into the water. It floats away, and resurfaces in a cave that looks suspiciously like a place for collecting water. Hello, I hear you cry, another historical inaccuracy. Never mind.

In the Nimueh-cave (I tried, I really tried with that one!), the witch mutters and spies on people as they drink out of the pumps.

Oh dear. This can only spell trouble for Camelot.

*****

While making their rounds, Merlin and Gaius stumble across a body in the street. Now, it may be the Dark Ages, but this is a bit much. Maybe it's just an oblivious state of mind that seems to infect the average peasant living in Camelot.

Also, as well as not noticing that there is a poor man laying dead in the middle of the road, the good people of Camelot have completely failed to notice that said poor dead man has turned a shade of baby blue.

Gaius doesn't care. So many bodies, so little time.

"Bah, cover him up and stick him on the cart," the physician shrugs. "We've got many more to go yet."

*****

Meanwhile, across the city, there's a rather sickly scene of father-daughter love.

"So I said to him," Gwen says, clattering pots together violently. "I said 'don't you treat your woman like that,' I said. 'She's your bloody equal.'"

"Damn fucking right," her father says, mouthful of sandwich. "What did he say?"

"He just laughed."

"Twat."

"My thoughts exactly. So I smacked him, right between the eyes and he went over like a leaf."

"Good on you girl," he says, ruffling her hair.

"You best get going, Tommy old man," she says, scolding him. "Remember, tonight we're heckling that bastard who's come to talk about autocracy. You better be out on time."

"Promise, sweets," Tom says, kissing her on the cheek. "Make sure Morgs doesn't do anything daft. I can heckle alone."

On her way up to the castle, bunch of flowers in hand, Gwen spots our favourite warlock, along with his cart of bodies.

"Yo, Merlin!" Gwen trills. "What's that under those sacks?"

"Er, nothing."

"It's bodies, isn't it."

"Um, no…"

"Merlin," she tells him pointedly, "you are a terrible liar. It's nothing I haven't see before, you know. I've seen more bodies than you, I bet."

"Nice flowers," Merlin squeaks, trying desperately to change the subject.

"Aren't they just? Thought I'd cheer Morgs' room up. It's a bit dreary, living in a castle, so a bit of colour wouldn't go amiss. Here," she says, breaking one off. "It'll cheer you up."

"Unless he's got hay fever!" Gaius chuckles.

"Oh, shush you old slag," Gwen laughs. "I'll be on my way then. Have fun with the dead 'uns!" She punches Merlin on the shoulder, salutes Gaius and continues on her way to see Morgana.

Morgana is knackered. Bad dreams again. However, the appearance of her clumsy, vaguely aggressive maid cheers her up. There aren't many people who Gwen can't cheer up, after all.

"I got you some flowers," Gwen tells her. "To cheer you up."

"And because you weren't there last night," Morgana reprimands her.

"Bah, what's a girl to do with a bag full of gold? It was a superb night on the town. You should have come."

"I'm sorry, I was too busy being eyed up by perverse knights." Morgana sighs. "I want to find me a prince! A nice one, with kind eyes, who likes harp music and my paintings."

"We can hope, sister. We can hope."

*****

"Ah, the poor sod's been magicked to death," Gaius concludes.

"Are you serious?" Merlin asks.

"Well, yes," the physician says, making a face. There's a knock on the door, and Merlin suddenly remembers he is supposed to be working for Arthur, just as the afore mentioned handsome prince appears in front of him in the doorway.

"Ah, yes, I'm late," Merlin says, putting on his most charming voice.

"Yes. I know. Tell Gaius my father wants to see him." Oh, the short, angry tones of the gorgeous. How wonderful they sound.

"Why does he treat me like this?" Merlin wails. "I'm a human being too!"

"You're a servant."

"If he knew who I was-"

"You'd be a dead servant. Come along now. Get 'im covered. We've got a king to please."

It turns out the king's going to be quite hard to please. Dead people have started to appear in Camelot's castle as well, and that's never good, especially if one of them dies right at the feet of an angry king.

"What's happened to him?" Uther asks, as Gaius springs onto the scene.

"Well, I'm pretty sure he's died."

"What did he die of, old man, my patience is thin." Gaius pouts. He doesn't like dealing with Uther when he's in these moods.

"Magic, basically." Uther flies into a panic.

"Search every house! Stop people leaving! Look everywhere! Find me the person responsible for this, now!" he shouts. "Arthur," he says, gripping his son by his lapels. "I need you to find out who's doing this. These people, this crazy magical people, they undermine everything we stand for."

What, thinks Merlin, shouting at everyone and arresting and executing people because we feel like it?

*****

And so the great search of Camelot begins. However, given it's Camelot's local guards who are conducting these searches, the sorceress responsible could be dancing naked on the roof of the castle shouting spells down at a restless crowd below, and it's unlikely they'd notice.

Merlin and Gaius observe all of this while wandering the streets, looking for inspiration for a cure.

"Look here," Merlin says, spotting a wretched creature, rapidly turning the same colour Roquefort.

"Nothing we can do," Gaius shrugs. "He's doomed."

"Must you be so harsh?" Merlin sighs, allowing himself to be dragged back to the physician's lair.

"I'm checking the contents of his stomach," Gaius tells him, as they search for answers in the dead man.

"Why would anyone want to use magic for bad?" Merlin wants to know.

"Someone's asking all the philosophical questions today," Gaius says. "Magic corrupts. It's not the magic that's bad, it's the person. Now get back to squeezing his bowels."

There's a crash and the doors fly open. Enter the crown prince and his incompetent guards.

"Jesus, Arthur, you gave me a fright!" Gaius snaps.

"We're searching every room in town," Arthur says, condescendingly. "What are all these books?"

"Science," the physician snaps. Arthur leaps away. He was born to lead, not to read.

"And what's in this room?" he asks, pointing to Merlin's room.

"Er, my stuff?"

"Hey, Merlin," Arthur says, from the room. "I've found something interesting."

Oh God, Merlin thinks. He's discovered everything. Books on magic. Fields of opium. Love letter he hasn't written. It's all going to fucksy and he'll be dead before the night is out.

"See this?" Ol'Princey says. "This is a cupboard. You'd do well to use it." He then proceeds to storm around the room, not finding anything, and then leaves.

"We could use my magic to help people!" Merlin says once they're gone.

"Sod no," Gaius says, waving a ladle at the warlock's face. "What are you, mental?"

Merlin is slightly hurt.

And somewhere in the depths of Camelot's mysteriously convinient sewage system, an angry poisonous triceratops is spreading its toxic load, much to Nimeuh's delight.

*****

And the death toll keeps rising. Arthur can't find out who's causing it, so Uther resorts to more ridiculous schemes.

"Impose a curfew! Don't let people leave their homes after dark. And cordon off the plebs. That's who's getting this disease; the plebs and the proles."

"Father-"

"Quiet! And round up all the Capricorns. They might have a role to play in all of this too…"

"Father, I think you might going mad with power?"

"Have you ever tried going made without power, Arthur my boy!" the king yells. "No one listens to you!"

"Alright!" Arthur sighs, holding his hands. "I'll do it."

*****

But Uther's plan is flawed, as Gaius and Merlin discover as they haul another the body of a courtier onto the slab. The disease is spreading amongst the rich as well now. Something has to be done.

Meanwhile, deep in the rougher end of Camelot, something terrible is about to happen to our favourite revolutionary.

"Tommy," she calls. "It's time to get up." There's no response from her father. "Tommy?" She rolls him over and screams. "Shit, no!" Panic overtakes her, and she runs away. Thankfully, she is spotted by Merlin on his way to get some samples, who dashes after her.

"Gwen?" Gaius says as she bursts through the door.

"You've got to help me!" she screams. "My father! He's got that fucking smurf flu. You've got to help me. You've got to have a cure. Please, please, please, please, please!"

"I'm sorry, Gwen," he says, taking her hand. "There's nothing I can do." Gwen promptly collapses to the floor in dramatic, abusive hysterical sobs.

"There must be something we can do," Merlin says.

"There really isn't."

"There must be!"

"Merlin, there isn't. Now, science…"

Gaius pays no heed as Merlin storms up to his room. Big mistake. After all, Merlin's got powers.

*****

In the depths of the night, Merlin retrieves his spell book and sets to work. He owes Gwen a lot. She may be loud and raucous, but he loves her in a kind of endearing way that a man loves an angry drunken match-maker. He is not going to let her father die.

Under the cover of darkness, and easily evading the city guard, he makes his way down to Chez Gwen, where he slips a magical bundle under Tom's pillow, and cures him.

Clumsy Merlin then forgets to remove the magical bundle. Big mistake, especially as Nimueh can see it happening.

The following morning, Gaius proves to the now slightly more subdued Uther that it's water that's causing this poisoning. Uther rattles on about not being able to stand by and let his people die.

"That's not what you were saying last night," Arthur mutters.

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

Uther orders the continuation of the search. You don't argue with a crazy neurotic king. You just don't.

Across the court in Morgana's room, Merlin pops in to check with Gwen that her dad's doing alright, like the kindly caring warlock that he is.

"Yeah," she beams, "he's doing fine. He'll be back on his feet by tomorrow. How did you know, by the way," she asks, bemused.

"Er, I'm pyschic."

"Very good," she laughs. "You're hilarious." Merlin smiles. He's never been told he's funny before, not by a girl.

Sadly, all this is about to be undone, because Arthur, daft pillock that he is, notices that Gwen's father has recovered from the smurf sickness and is back on his feet. This is obviously cause for great suspicion…

*****

"Merlin," Gaius yells. "what the fuck have you done!"

"What?!"

"They've arrested Gwen!"

"But she's innocent!"

"I bloody know!" Gaius shrieks. "It's not her fault you're a fucking heroic fool!"

"Unhand me you twats!" comes the shrieks from outside. "You can't just drag me through the court like I'm some sort of animal! Let me go!"

They make a mad dash to the court itself, where Uther has gone livid.

"Fling her at my feet," he tells the guards.

"You perverse arsehole!" she yells.

"You're a witch. We know this. All we ask is you tell us the truth."

"You what?!" the wench cries in outrage and bafflement. "You're accusing me of being a witch?!"

"Just-"

"Tell you the truth? Tell you the truth? I tell you, Uther Pendragon," Gwen screeches, "you can't handle the truth!" Merlin winces. This is not the sort of defense the girl should be offering. "You cowardly, coniving, angst-ridden hateful bastard of an excuse of a dictator!"

"Take her away," Uther orders wearily.

"Would know a real criminal if one bit you on the arse! Come on then!" she yells at the wary looking guards. "Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough!" It seems to be heading for a stalemate, with the court guards growing increasingly embarrassed and Gwen getting increasingly irate.

"This is incredibly undignified," Arthur mutters.

"Hey, watch it you," Morgana snaps. "She's my friend and I believe she's innocent."

Finally, Gwen is restrained and dragged away, kicking and frothing at the mouth, her shouts echoing into the distance.

"I think she's innocent," Morgana repeats to Uther.

"Doesn't matter. I'm the bloody king. I think she's a witch so she is."

"So if you said I was a tree, I'd start sprouting branches?" Morgana snaps.

"I know she was behaving irratically-" Arthur starts, deciding to defend this abuser of his father's system."

"What about the herbs under that bloke's pillow?" Uther says.

"What if he was just very, very, very, very lucking and the herbs were just a co-incidence?"

"Or maybe he just likes herbs," Arthur offers. Morgana shoots him a cold look.

"Whose side are you on, mate?"

"I'm just saying, it is highly improbable that a blacksmith would just have a bundle of herbs under his pillow."

"Since when have you been such a big fan of probablity?" she snaps.

"Blacksmiths don't sleep with herbs. You might, that's understandable-"

"Homophobe!"

"What the fuck?" Arthur asks, baffled. Uther, now bored by this ceasless racket, storms away.

*****

Down below, in deep in the least impregnable dungeons in the world, Merlin is comforting a now rather miserable Gwen.

"It'll be alright," he tells her notchalantly.

"No it won't."

"I'll get you out of here."

"You'd think you are, Ye Olde A Team?" She shakes her head. "No, this time tomorrow, I'll be dead and part of me may be on a spike over the gate."

"Gwen, I-"

"Hey, Em, promise me one thing," she says, cheering up slightly. "In honour of me, go and heckle some autocratic twat. I don't care how, just heckle someone. For me."

"Gwen," the warlock declares. "I swear, I will find what is causing this great death and I will save you!"

"Here's looking at you, kid," she says glumly, shrugging. "Just remember what I said. Heckle for me. My dad'd like that too."

"I've got an idea," Merlin says. "I know what I have to do."

"Don't you even fucking consider doing anything stupid!" Gwen calls from behind the bars of her cell.

Too late. Arthur crashes through the doors of the royal hall, almost into Uther's lap.

"It was me!" he cries. "Gwen is innocent and I am guilty. I am the magician that cured her father. Arrest me!"

The people at the table look suitably baffled, apart from Gaius who bangs his head on the table and groans.

"Merlin!" he exclaims. "Are you fucking mental?"

"I place myself at your mercy," Merlin declares.

"Well, arrest him," Uther orders.

"Now, wait a minute," Arthur cries. "There's now way this oaf is a wizard."

"He admitted it," Uther says, shrugging. "I don't care."

"He saved my life, remember," Arthur reminds his father.

"Why'd he be lying then," Uther says, suddenly unsure of his judgement. Damn Arthur and his reasonable arguments!

"Because, as Gaius said… He's a bit odd. Yeah."

"Really?" Uther asks. Like Gaius, he has a bit of an odd sense of humour. "Go on."

"He's in love."

Shit! Merlin thinks. He knows. Gwen's told him everything. Things I haven't told her, hell, things I don't even know. I'll be the laughing stock of Camelot, and that's if Uther doesn't decide to have me impaled or beheaded or burnt.

"What?!"

"With Gwen," Arthur says smugly.

"I am not!" the warlock says in outrage.

"So are!" the prince says. "I saw you yesterday with that flower she gave you." Is it just me, Merlin thinks, or was that a hint of resentment I just heard?

"I'm not in love with her!" he says, starting to panic.

"It's alright," Arthur says, draping his arm over the warlock's shoulders. "You can admit it." Not that Merlin can admit anything with that arm around him, and that wonderful, sweet breath kissing his cheeks.

"I don't think of her like that!" Merlin exclaims.

"Perhaps she's cast a spell on you," Uther offers. Merlin looks mildly confused, and Arthur looks quite surprised. The king then bursts into lechorous cackles.

"You're wonderously foolish," Arthur sighs, ruffling his hair.

"Don't waste my time again," Uther says. "Let him go."

And so Merlin leaves, defeated.

*****

"It's Arthur who's foolish," Merlin grumbles.

"Well, he saved you from your own stupidity back there, so I'd say he's a more resourceful fool than you are."

"What did you want me to do, Gaius? I can't just let her die!"

"Then find the bloody cure," the physician tells him.

"Arthur isn't going to find it," Merlin persists. "He thinks he's so bloody amazing but he's not. He lords it over everyone that's he's so sharp but it's me that has to carry the can!"

"Arthur this and Arthur that!" Gaius snaps. "Why don't you just go and marry him, you daft trollop?! Anyway, stick on your man bag, we're going for a walk."

And so Merlin and Gaius take a walk down through the gloomy sewers of Camelot, which technically shouldn't exist, what with the decline of public health after the Romans. (I wrote an essay on this. I'll be damned if I'm not going to sprinkle some actual facts in!)

"Get a sample of the water," Gaius tells his dogsbody-come-warlock.

"Why do I have to do it?"

"Why you? Because I value my live far more than I value yours. You're magic. You're probably immune to whatever it is that's turning people blue."

Collecting a thimbleful of the water, the pair try to beat a hasty retreat.

"Rawr!" roars the toxic triceratops as it lunges out of the water.

"What in the name of fuck was that!?" Merlin shouts as they run away.

So they return to Gaius' HQ and refer to one of his many books.

"It was an Afanc," the physician says, pointing a picture that bears little or no resemblence to the creature they have just seen, barr the fact they are both brown.

"How do we kill it?" Merlin asks.

"I don't know, do I?" Gaius shrugs. "I suppose I'll start looking."

Merlin makes a dash to the dungeons. It seems that the guards of Camelot are more preoccupied with guarding the pile of kindling that they plan to use to frazzle Gwen, than actually guarding the prisoner herself.

"Gwen!" the warlock calls through the bars. "I'm going to save you."

"S'alright, sweetheart," Gwen says. "If you don't, I've got a load of crazed anarchists coming to kidnap me and bale me out."

"Do you trust these anarchists?" Merlin asks.

"Jesus no, but they've got more chance than you. No offers. Solidarity, Em," she grins. "And if you could get me a hacksaw, that'd be really useful."

He dashes on, deeper into the dungeons, to visit his old friend, the giggling Dragon.

"Hey, sodface!" he yells into the dark.

"I see that daft girl's mannerisms are catching," the dragon sighs.

"I need to know how to defeat an Afanc."

"I suppose you do," it says, sighing again. "Ah, well. You need but two things. One goes 'woosh' and the other goes 'boom.'"

We've moved on from riddles and onto onomatopoeia now, have we? Merlin thinks. What's next? Rhetorical questions?

"Anything else you can tell me?"

"Elements," the dragon says. "Look to the elements. And get some help. From Arthur."

"You've made a suspicious amount of sense," Merlin says.

"I'm making up for next week," it tells him cheerfully. "Then I'm returning to speaking bugger all sense, and in the language of the raven."

"Execellant," Merlin mutters darkly, as he wanders away, the sound of mysterical cackles echoing in his ears.

*****

With the help of Gaius, and following the prompts of the dragon, Merlin manages to work out that what he needs to use to destroy the Afanc is fire and air. Now all he needs to do is recrute Arthur to his cause.

Enter Morgana.

"They're bringing forth Gwen's execution," she says. "We have to prove her innocence."

"We're trying-"

"What can I do?" she asks.

"Get Arthur," Merlin tells her. "There's a beastie in the water supply and we've got to kill it."

"Why don't we just tell Uther?" she says.

"Are you mad? He'd just go over the top with vengence and accuse Gwen of conjuring it."

"We all know what happens if you accuse Gwen of anything, and I really don't want anarchists running all over Camelot," Morgana says. "They do so tend to get carried away. So we need Arthur."

"Who won't want to disobey the king," Merlin tells her.

"Bah," she grimaces. "Just leave that to me."

And so, with her skills of comparing men to each other, and by playing on Arthur's jealous streak, she convinces him to come help. He strides through the courtyard, drawing his sword.

"That's a bit unnessacary," Morgana laughs.

"I am being gallant," Arthur says smoothly.

"Well, mind you don't do any damage with it."

"I am very careful what I put my sword into," he tells her.

"That's not what I've heard," she mutters, grinning.

"Excuse me?"

They arrive at the sewers, ready to do battle.

"You better be right about this, Merlin," Arthur says, looking wary.

"Graower!" As if on cue, the toxic triceratops mews loudly, and all three of them glance around in terror.

"Go back, Morgana," Arthur tells her.

"Nah, mate," she says, pushing past him. He shakes his head.

"Someone's been spending to much time with Gwen," he says.

"Sod off you chauvanist," she laughs from somewhere ahead in the gloom.

"Spread out," Arthur tells them as they arrive at some sort of cross section. Out in front of him appears the ghostly form of the Afanc. He slashes at it wildly with his sword, but to no avail, as it just leaps away.

"Did you see it?" Morgana says, running over.

"Yes!" he shouts. "It's fast and-"

"Jesus fucking Christ!" Morgana yells as it appears in front of her. Again, Arthur slashes at it, but to no avail. It runs away, with the trio in hot pursuit, and decides to hide in an alcove. Arthur creeps over to face it, like the heroic fool he is, and it decides it now wants to fight. The prince waves his fire at it, and though it doesn't like that, it's not enough. He needs more power.

Glancing over at Morgana, Merlin sees she's not going to be much help. For all of Gwens assertiveness lessons, she's not terribly good in a crisis, and has backed herself into a wall.

"Arthur!" the warlock yells. "Use the torch!" He then does some chanting, and Arthur's torch becomes a small flamethrower. It does the job, and the Afanc dies.

Nimueh is not happy.

"Damn your eyes, Merlin!" she screeches. "I'll get you yet!"

*****

Back in Camelot, normality has resumed. Uther is now quite cheerful, and only vaguely repressive.

Gaius has come to make him miserable again, though, by showing him what he has found in the sewers.

"It's an eggshell," the physician tells the king. "I found it. It's got symbols on it. I think you should have a look. It bears the symbol in Nimueh."

"Oh, bollacks, no!" Uther wails. "Will I never be rid of her?"

And so we leave him, upset and mildly chilly, in the great hall of Camelot.

Meanwhile, down in the dungeons, there's a small party happening.

"Tommy!" Gwen yells as her father springs through the open door of her cell. "What have I told you about spring people out with your arthritis?" She jumps on him. "You haven't been arrested have you? Because we don't have any cash for bail and-"

"You're free, Gwen," Morgana says, following him in.

"Oh, thank you!" she yells, jumping on Morgana and embracing her. "Ah, Morgs, you're the best."

"It wasn't me," the princess says. "It was more Merlin." The warlock tries to look modest.

"I knew you had it in you," Gwen cheers, leaping onto him and kissing him.

"Steady now," Tom laughs.

"Shite, sorry," Gwen laughs. "I forgot. Usually that works."

"Come on Gwen," her father says, pulling her out. "Let's be off." They leave Morgana and Merlin together in the cell.

"Oh, and Merlin," the princess smiles. "You're secret's safe with me."

Oh shit, Merlin thinks. My most precious secret, my magical powers, are now entrusted to the hormonal charge of Uther. Great. I'll be dead within the week.

"I understand why you don't want anyone to know," she continues. "I mean, the people of Camelot have small minds. But I shan't tell a soul."

"Oh, thank you," he says, mildly relieved.

"I mean, we can ever talk about it if you want. I am always welcome to a chat."

"We can?" A kindred spirit? In Camelot? Merlin almost jumps for joy. "You have no idea how hard it is, not telling anyone," he says. She laughs.

"Well, it's alright. Arthur's a lucky man."

Inside Merlin's head, mild confusion, blind panic and vague terror rush through in a matter of seconds.

"Arthur?" Remembering his composure, he tries to look relieved.

"Forgive Gwen. I got it out of her, I'm the only person she's told because she trusts me, and I shan't tell a soul. And I don't mind. I know I act like I'm madly in love with him, but it's only a ruse." She glances around to the non-existant guards. "I'm planning on eloping. I just haven't a found the right guy yet." She smiles at him. "It can be our little secret. And Gwen's as well, because she knows everything, obviously." She sasheys away, leaving Merlin feeling mildly relieved, but at the same time, really quite worried.

*****

Over a dinner of fish soup, Gaius tells Merlin that he should prepare for the wrath of a very angry, very powerful wizzard.

Bah, thinks Merlin. Can't be anymore dangerous than the two greatest gossips in Camelot knowing your in love with their prince.

**Coming next time…**

What's Merlin gonna do when Nimeuh gets her revenge? Are we going to see a kinder side of Arthur? Will his vicious arachnaphobia come into play? And will Gwen stop trying to save the world from dangers and powers it doesn't seem to mind?

Tune in next time to find out...

You lovely people with your lovely words! This was for you. I have many more episodes to write (well, thirteen or so, depending on whether or not I like the series ending), so words of reviews are much loved. You people fill my evenings with gloriousness.


	4. Chapter 4

A note on last night's episode, The Moment of Truth.

I cannot **wait **to get near it with my parody "skillz". I loved it. So totally my favourite episode so far. I made strange noises all the way through.

This chapter was written with the help of Kashmir, because you can't beat a bit of Led Zep.

Chapter 4. In which we learn more of the wrath of beautiful women and we discover that our handsome Prince Arthur does indeed have a chivalrous side.

We rejoin the court at a summit for peace between Camelot and Mercia. Uther, it seems, is taking a break from his usual, vaguely homicidal tactics and is having a go at negotiating.

Despite the good intentions, this is a terrible idea, because although neither side knows it, Nimueh, that foul witch, has arrived with the Mercia gang with the intention of murdering Merlin and creating a diplomatic incident between the two countries.

She a nasty one, this Nimueh.

*****

Gaius has decided that as no one is dying in Camelot today, he is going to follow Merlin around in order that he might tell him how to do his work better, and in order that he might test said warlock's patience by making up proverbs and seeing if he will believe them.

"Bah," the physician says. "Pot, kettle, fish."

"It's 'kettle of fish' and 'pot, kettle, black,'" Merlin says gently as he struggles through the court with a pile of armour.

"Are you call me a liar?"

"No Gaius."

"Then I'm right." Gaius manages to get in his way, tripping him up and sending him flying into a serving girl.

Oh, but this is no serving girl, I hear you exclaim! This is that foul witch Nimueh!

She makes a vague attempt at flattery, and Merlin makes a vague attempt to appear interesting and powerful.

Gaius is unimpressed.

Nimueh, in her clever disguise of wearing something daft on her head and with her lips a mysteriously different colour, sneaks into the chambers of that king from Mercia and switches some goblet with one she has on her. Uh-oh, we think. What dark forces are at work here?

Meanwhile, across the castle, Merlin is helping Arthur dress. Or, rather, he is helping Arthur put on that hideous jacket he insists on wearing, as Arthur tells him that he is indeed coming to the feast tonight.

Merlin feels slightly like Cinderella, until he sees what he's to wear.

*****

"Hey, Em," Gwen giggles, sidling up to Merlin with a plate of food. "What's that on your head?"

"Shut up," he says shortly. Arthur sends him a bemused look from the middle of the contract-signing-extravaganza, and our favourite warlock's legs go to jelly.

"Need someone to lean on?" the wench next to him says.

"Have you come here just to mock me, or have you another purpose?"

"Hey," Gwen says, following his gaze to where Nimueh stands in her rather unsubtle disguise. "Who's that?"

"Handmaid."

"Psht," Gwen sighs. "If you're ogling girls, I've got better things to do." She wanders away to talk to Gaius. At least at his age, he's developed the art of subtle ogling.

The king of Mercia, whoever he is, makes a speech, and then offers the two Pendragon royal men goblets.

"Merlin," Nimueh whispers, putting on her anxious voice. "I need to speak to you."

Why? Merlin should be asking.

"I can't think of anyone else to tell."

So you've decided to tell this bloke you literally just walked into? Hmm, Merlin should be thinking, something might be afoot here. Sadly, the lad is far too kind and trusting for his own good.

Nimueh, with her good looks and her desperate words, manages to convince Merlin that Bayard, that king of Mercia, is planning on poisoning the Pendragons. Not knowing what to do, Merlin does the first thing that comes into his head; blundering in and trying to save everyone.

"What the fuck does he think he's doing?" Gwen asks Gaius as Merlin offers to test the wine.

Nimueh casts her enchantment, and Merlin promptly collapses to the floor.

Almost everyone in the room draws arms, including Morgana who, in the spirit of the evening, pulls out a table knife and waves it menacing. Gwen doesn't pull anything out; she knows if she needs to fight her way out, all she needs is her fists and her acid tongue.

Arthur drops down to the floor beside Merlin. The warlock's last conscious thought is that if he's going to die, at least he's got Arthur next to him. Not very romantic, dying on the floor of what is effectively a dining room, but the point still stands.

Gaius and Gwen descend on him too.

"The silly twat," she breaths. "Always thought he was too noble for his own good!"

Merlin is hoisted over Arthur's shoulders and carried up to Gaius' Head Quarters. Had he been conscious, Gwen thinks, he'd have loved it, not matter how embarrassed he might have been.

"Gwen, get me some water and some bandages," Gaius tells her.

"Why?" she asks. "He's not bleeding."

"We've got to cool him down," Arthur says. "He's burning up."

"How about we undress him?" Gwen offers.

"Control your urges, Guinevere," the prince snaps.

"I was just saying! He's getting hot, so logic dictates we undress him slightly! I wasn't asking for full frontal nudity, jizface. Just because you don't think you can control your urges," she snaps. Arthur gets up and moves to where Gaius is inspecting the goblet. Gwen grins to herself are she dabs the warlock with a damp flannel. She hadn't expected a reaction like that.

"Ah, a petal," Gaius murmurs, pulling one out of the goblet. "Of the mortius flower."

"How do we cure him?" Arthur asks.

"We've got to get the leaf from the same flower."

"What?!" Gwen says. "Isn't there some other way? That'd be bloody impossible!"

"Few who have gone looking for the flower, under the mountain in which it grows have returned alive." The three of them look at each other.

"Well, I would," Gwen says. "But I haven't got a horse or a sense of direction."

"Sounds like fun," Arthur says bitterly.

"Arthur, you can't go," the physician says. "It's far too dangerous."

"Er, I can and will," he says pompously. "After all, I am a prince."

*****

"Bejesus, sorry," Gwen says, springing into Morgana's chambers. "I'll do your hair."

"Don't worry," the princess says. "I've got it covered. How's Merlin."

Gwen pulls a face, which is about the nearest she gets to sensitive without getting hysterical.

"If Arthur can get him this flower, he'll live," the wench says. "If not, he'll die."

"Then he'll live," Morgana sooths. "I'd trust Arthur with my life."

"I don't think I'm ready to trust him with Merlin's though," Gwen says carefully.

"Oh, I don't know," the princess smiles. "There might be something there… Anyway, go look after Merlin. I know what he means to you."

"Oh, don't you start," Gwen says, rolling her eyes. "Half of Camelot seems to think we're lovers."

"I wonder why…"

Meanwhile, on the other side of Camelot, Arthur tries to persuade Uther to let him gallop off and be gallant for Merlin. Uther is having none of it. Apparently, Merlin's life is worth less than Arthur's, something the prince doesn't believe for a minute. He's obviously been spending too much time with Gwen.

Arthur believe he can save Merlin so much his voice goes quite husky (though that could just be my iPlayer breaking).

"I can't stand by and watch him die!" he says.

"Then don't look," Uther tells him, tosser that he is. "Get used to it. When you're king, people die."

"I can't accept that."

"Tough." And Uther storms away, leaving Arthur to mope.

He trudges back to his room, where Morgana finds him.

"Now that was exciting," she says cheerfully. "It's a shame there wasn't a fight. I'd have rather liked that."

"Yeah," Arthur says quietly. "I should have checked. Are you alright?"

"I had Gwen. No one was getting near me with ill intentions."

"You shouldn't fight. I've just been told that too," he says glumly. "Apparently, we're just supposed to let our comrades die."

Morgana pulls her suspicious face. How much time has Arthur been spending around Gwen recently, if he's started to refer to people as comrades?

"Sometimes, you have to do what's right, and to hell with the consequences," she tells him.

"If I go, and I die, who'll be king?" Arthur asks.

"I'll get someone I know to stage a military coup and I'll appoint myself queen," Morgana tells him. "Don't think I won't. I've got you covered."

"I'm serious Morgana."

"As am I. Get your arse out there and save Merlin."

And so as Arthur gallops off to save his lowly servant, Nimueh looks on and giggles. She can take out two birds with one stone, or so she thinks.

*****

"Gaius," Gwen says, swiping at the warlock with the flannel. "He's speaking in tongues."

"He's also got a weaker pulse," the physician says.

"What the crap is that?" Gwen says, pointing to a large circular mark on his wrist.

"That not supposed to appear until the final stages!" Gaius exclaims. "The poison is working quicker than I thought. Some must have increased it potency."

"He could have just coincidentally contracted ringworm," Gwen offers.

"If an enchantment is used, then the poison is more potent," he murmurs. "But – no. She wouldn't dare come here! Unless…"

"Unless what?"

"That serving girl who spoke to Merlin, just before he went ahead and tried to save the day: find her." Gwen shrugs. It doesn't look like anyone's going to tell her anything today, she thinks.

There's no sign of the beautiful woman who told Merlin about the goblet. Hmm, Gwen thinks. This is all rather suspicious.

*****

"I expressly said for him not to go!" Uther yells.

"Yeah, and that works."

"Shut up you," he grunts to Morgana. He can't stand it when she's either right or sarcastic, and here she's both. "I should have locked him up."

"You can't just lock up everyone who disagrees with you," Morgana says.

"Just you watch me!" Uther makes to storm away, then stops. "You knew he was going, didn't you?

"Arthur's old enough to make his own decisions now," Morgana says.

"Even if it means getting himself killed?"

"Let him go. It'll be good for him."

"Bah!" And with that, he leaves.

*****

We rejoin Arthur amidst a backdrop of wonderfully CGI-ed mountains, when he is galloping towards the forest where the magical curing plant grows.

Unfortunately for him,though, Nimueh's been spying on him, and has evil plans instore, in order to prevent Arthur from getting that magical plant.

Gaius, back in Camelot, realises this, and how much danger Arthur's just jumped into.

"We've sent him into a trap," he moans.

"Arthur," Merlin breathes in his comatosed state. Gaius gives Gwen a look.

"Yeah," she says. "I've told Morgs, and I don't suppose he'll mind me telling you…"

*****

Arthur is now in a forest. Given there aren't many forests in Cornwall, I feel this is taking a bit of a liberty with local geography, but we're taking about the people who made Walking With Beasts. They don't care for such trivial things.

He stumbles across a damsel in distress.

But no! This is no damsel in distress! This is the foul witch Nimueh in disguise.

Curse Arthur and his chivilorous training. He goes over and tries to help her. Just as he is about to sweep her into his arms and save her, this massive cocatrice appears from over a leavy hill, and makes straight towards our prince, who doesn't seem to notice the damsel in distress grinning inanely.

And with one whizz of his sword, Arthur manages to defeat the cocatrice.

"Who did that to you?" he asks Nimueh.

"My master," she says, doing her faux-delicate voice. She then proceeds to spin him some crap about her running away and getting lost. Honestly. If Arthur was a girl, he'd see through it straight away, but no. He offers to take her away like the dashing hero he really is.

"We can't leave yet," he tells her. "I'm looking for something."

"I know this place," she says. "I can help you,"

Did she just say she was lost?

Like the fool that he is, Arthur allows himself to be led into the caves by a homicidal witch, masqerading as a now-not-so-lost servant.

Once they are inside the cave, and she's got her hood up, he doesn't notice the smug look on her face, that she's lured the great Prince Arthur of Camelot to what she believes will be his death.

Back in Camelot, Merlin is trying to warn him.

"Arthur, no, it's a trap," he murmurs as Gwen strokes his face.

"It's setting in, isn't it," she say glumly, and Gaius nods. "I'll get some more wolvesbane."

"Merlin, you great sod," Gaius whispers. "I know you can hear me. You have to fight it!"

Back in the magical caves, Nimueh's brought Arthur to the flower.

As he crosses on the conviently narrow expanse of rock, leading to the flowers, she plays a dirty trick on him by making said rock crumble under his feet. He survives by clinging onto a rockface.

"Who the hell are you?" he calls.

"The last face you will ever see!" she tells him gleefully. "Ooh, it seems we have a visitor." Arthur follows her gaze, just in time to see a bloody massive spider appear from a rock.

"Oh shit," he mutters, getting sweaty palms. "Spiders."

Arthur, as you might have guessed from my hinting at the bottom of the last chapter, is a terrible arachnaphobic. The idea of a massive one, crawling towards him at lightening speed, is not a good one. He shimmies along the ledge to which he clings, and manages to smash the spider off with his sword.

"Bah, I'll let his friends finish you off," Nimueh says. "It isn't your destiny to die at my hand, Arthur Pendragon."

"Who are you?" he calls to her retreating back, but football chants won't help now. Hanging in the dark, Arthur sees a ball of light hanging above his head. "Come on then!" he calls. "Finish me off!"

But it isn't an evil ball of light, it's a ball of light carved from love. That's right; in Arthur's hour of need, Merlin has sent a ball of shiny to guide him out.

"Leave them Arthur," the warlock calls from his sickbed. "Save yourself."

But Arthur will do no such thing. He scrambles up the rock, trying to ignore the foul creepy-crawlies that are starting to follow him, and grabs the mortius flower. The light inspires him to keep going, which he does.

Sweat drenched, and with aching fingers, Arthur climbs out and into the moonlight. This mysterious magical ball of light has saved him.

*****

Arthur makes a mad gallop back to Camelot, only to captured and slung into the clink by Uther.

Arthur tries to make his father see reason when he lands him in the prison cell; after all, Merlin has saved his life for the upteenth time. However, Uther isn't having any of it, and when Arthur tries to get him to give Gaius the flower, Uther just scrumples it up and leaves it on the floor.

Bastard.

Apparently, Arthur has to learn how to lose people.

*****

Meanwhile, across the castle, Gaius and Gwen are hatching a plan to get the flower back, as Merlin slowly dies.

"I'll get it," Gwen says.

"It'll be dangerous," Gaius tells her. "You'll incure the wrath of the king."

"Bah," she shrugs. "I've incured it before. And anyway, you're forgetting, I am the daughter of 'Mad Dog' Tommy. If anyone's got a chance, it's me. I know that jail like the back of my hand."

Gwen enters Arthur's cell under the pretence that she's bring him food.

"Set it down over there," he tells her coldly. She pulls a sour face at him. It's best he knows how he's dealing with, she thinks. "Thank you." He crosses over to it, and wrinkles up his nose. "I can't possibly eat that, it's disgusting," he says.

"Insulting my cooking, you toffee-nosed bastard?" she asks sweetly, crossing over to it. Dropped unsubtlely between two pieces of bread is the flower. She grins.

"I don't think it's fit for an animal."

"I'll be sure something more fitting is set down, you prick," she tells him cheerfully, before striding out.

"You there," one of the guards calls. "Wait."

Gwen tenses herself, putting herself into her bar-fight mindset.

"Waste not, want not, eh?" he tells her, taking the bread. "We're not all as precious as Her Royal Highness."

"Damn right, mate," she says. "Have a nice day."

"You too sweetheart."

Spotting the servant actually in charge of bringing the food down, Gwen does a runner.

*****

Back at Gaius' place, the physician starts to make the antidote. He's about to recommend that they use magic when he thinks better of it. Gwen might be a freedom fighter, but he knows nothing of her views on magic. In order that he might distract her, Gaius sends her out for more water.

"This is for you, kid," he mutters, as he casts a spell over the antidote. The potion fizzes and bubbles in his hands.

Gwen returns and they feed him the antidote.

"He's stopped breathing," Gaius says.

"Shit!" Gwen wails. "That's not good."

"And his heart has stopped."

"He's – dead?" Gaius looks over at the wench, who now looks rather upset.

"He can't be," he mutters. "He just can't be!"

"Oh, it's all my fault," Gwen says sadly. "I should have clouted that bint while I had the chance, or at least warned him against the dangers of loose women!"

"No, no," Gaius says, giving her a hug. "It was me. I should have looked after him better."

"Steady now, Gaius," she sniffs. "I think his death might be making you delirious."

"That's digusting," a voice from the bed below says. "You should be ashamed, you're old enough to be her grandfather!"

"Merlin!" Gaius shouts.

"You daft twat!" Gwen yells, jumping over him. "I thought you were dead!" She kisses him.

"Gwen-"

"Shit, sorry, I really have to stop doing that," she says, rolling her eyes. "Do remind me."

"It's fine," he says, beaming. "It's more than fine."

"Alright, you're the delirious one," Gaius says.

"Yeah," Gwen says. "No more soliciting with scarlet women. Espeically me."

*****

In the war room of Camelot, Uther is having to plan how he's to defend Camelot, what with Mercia having that their king has been effectively arrested, and seem now to be on the offensive, having declared war on Camelot.

Enter Gaius. He's got some new that'll change everything for Uther.

"Bayard didn't try to poison you," he says.

"Yes he did."

"Is Bayard a stunning brunette? Is Bayard a powerful evil sourceress? No. I'd recognise the hand of this magician anywhere. It's Nimueh."

"Bayard's conspiring with Nimueh? Gah, the man's a bigger monster than first I thought!" exclaims the king.

"No," Gaius says patiently. "Bayard is innocent. It's just a plot by Nimueh to bring bad things to Camelot. Don't you see?"

And so Uther calls of his little war and sends away his advisors, leaving only him and Gaius.

"Do you think Arthur should be told the truth about Nimueh?" the physician asks.

There's a pause, and a cresendo of music, and the scene is left before Uther give his answer.

*****

"So come on then," Morgana says and she and the other Pendragons stand atop Camelot's walls, watching the people of Mercia depart safely. "How did you manage it?"

"I'm not sure," the prince says, with a humblness that is really quite sweet. "I had help. Someone knew I was in trouble and sent me a light, to guide my way."

"Who?"

"I don't know," the prince sighs.

"Okay," Morgana grins. "Who do you hope it was?"

"Morgs," Arthur says, pulling a face. "Like I'd tell you."

"You're no fun," she says, tussling his hair. "One day I'll get it out of you. You can't hide your secrets from Morgana La Fay. I've got ways." She pats him on the back and wanders away.

"Arthur," Uther says. "That woman you met in the forest. What did you tell you?"

"Not a lot. She was too busy trying to kill me." This cunning little piece of feeble black humour is lost on Uther, who is too busy looking out into the middle distance. "It was odd though," the prince says, furrowing that lovely brow of his. "I was at her mercy. She could have killed me, but she didn't. She told me it wasn't my destiny to die at her hand."

"You must have been scared," Uther says, with surprising tenderness.

"Mmm, there were moments," Arthur shrugs, trying to remain brash. Uther's brought him up to be Spartan abou these things.

"All magic is evil, Arthur, my boy," Uther says. Arthur gives him a look, then decides not to mention the magical ball of light that saved him. Somehow, he thinks his father might not understand. "I am proud of you, Arthur," he tells the lad, giving his shoulder a manly squeeze. "Even though you disobeyed me." Arthur looks quite happy. "Never forget that."

*****

Our favourite handsome prince enters Gaius' Head Quarters with a comtemplative air.

"Still alive then?" he calls to the warlock, who is presently swaddled in a blanket and drinking soup.

"Yeah," Merlin say, "just about. I believe I have you to thank for that."

"Yeah, well," the prince says, pulling his modest-hero face. "I was only dropping by to make sure you're alright."

Gaius throws a knowing glance over to the both of them, which, thankfully, neither of them pick up on.

"Yeah, just checking you'll be back to work tomorrow," Arthur says.

"Bright and early," the warlock tells him.

"Good, good." As he makes to leave, Merlin calls out to him.

"And Arthur?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you." It's a heartfelt thank you, and something inside the prince warms slightly.

"You too." Merlin's stomach is all a'quivver, but he tells himself it's because his food still disagrees with him. "Get some rest."

"Gwen told me your secret by the way," Gaius chuckles, handing Merlin a bowl of porriage.

"Miss Subtle strikes again."

"Bah, leave her," the physician says. "She means well. And anyway, I think she might have a point."

"What?" Merlin says. "She hasn't relayed this point to me. And another thing. If Nimueh wanted to kill Arthur, why didn't she just keep quiet, and do it at night, instead of framing Bayard?"

"Because she didn't want Arthur," Gaius says. "She knew you'd drink that cup. She wants you dead too."

"Oh, cheers."

"Bah," Gaius chuckles. "Eat your dinner."

And deep in a cave under Camelot, or at least nearby, Nimueh is sulking. Gazing into her magical seeing-puddle, she splashes her vision of Merlin away.

"Damn your eyes!" she screeches. "I'll get you yet, my pretty!"

**Coming next…**

Will Arthur keep this gloriously selfless streak up? Will Revolutionary!Gwen return with an avengance? Will this mysterious new fighter, Lancelot steal Arthur's crown as the best looking knight in the city? And will I be able to refrain from singing the sodding genius song from the Spamelot musical?

(Sorry, but the answer to the last question is a massive NO!)

Tune in next time to find out…

Woah, that's two updates in one weekend. *feels proud* Many thank yous, again, for your reviews. I do really love you all. The next chapter is my second favourite episode of the series, so it'll be up shortly, promise.


	5. Chapter 5

Firstly, I realise I haven't been disclaiming enough. I apologise profusely, and reiterate my original idea: I make no money from this, and I do not own Merlin. The BBC do. If I did own Merlin and the lads, I wouldn't be letting them out on a Saturday night, believe you me.

You have no idea how pleased I am to be on this episode. I loved it when it was on, and I loved when I went through it on the iPlayer.

Many, many thank yous to all you people who have said or done nice things to or about this. I'm sorry for not updating sooner, but I've been in enforced manual labour, making small stuff birds for craft fairs all week.

Chapter 5. In which Merlin and Arthur continue in their fight against The Man and Gwen's obsession with tea is finally revealed.

We rejoin our favourite warlock as he preambles through Camelot forest, picking mushrooms. All is peaceful and lovely, he thinks.

Not for long! Merlin suddenly finds himself being persuaded by a massive, man-eating bird.

The bird knocks him to the ground, and Merlin fears that this is the end. He's going to be eaten alive by a huge falcon. Not dying as a martyr to the cause, with Gwen, or dying by Arthur's side, but being nibbled by a large feathered freak.

Luckily for him, there's a hunk hiding in the bushes behind him, who leaps out and slashes at the bird with his sword. When this fails to inflict damage, said hunk manhandles the fallen Merlin through the forest, and dives behind a massive log, which seems to trick the bird. It flies away.

"Cheers," Merlin says, as they sit under the log, catching their breathe. "You saved my life. I'm Merlin."

"Lancelot." This mysterious saviour suddenly slumps to the ground, having been speared, possibly from the shattered blade of his sword.

*****

"Yeah, it's superficial," Gaius tells Merlin as he dabs Lancelot's wound. "He'll be fine."

I should hope so, Merlin thinks. This one's really quite something.

At some undisclosed other point in the kingdom, Uther and Arthur are inspecting the damage that a monster, suspiciously similar to that that attacked our favourite warlock and his new friend. They made a lucky escape, it seems; according to lovely Arthur, the creature has a taste for human flesh.

"Put the sentries on full alert," Uther says, despite the fact that if the monster did decide to make for Camelot, the chances are it would be noticed pretty quickly. The people of Camelot might pay no heed to dead bodies strewn all over their roads, but it is quite unlikely that they'd miss a massive man-eating falcon swooping down and eating their children.

Meanwhile, back in Camelot, Lancelot is fully recovered and is explaining to Merlin, while looking thoughtfully out the window, how it is his life's ambition to join the knights of Camelot.

Merlin assures him that they'll love him.

"Seriously?" Lancelot says.

"You could put the great Arthur to shame," Merlin tells him. What is this? A transfer of Merlin's affections? Surely not! "In fact, I can go and tell him now."

"You know Arthur?" the dishy one gawks, thoughrally impressed by Merlin's name dropping.

"Oh yeah."

Out on the pitch, as it were, Arthur has returned and is in the process of 'interviewing' wannabee knights of Camelot by shouting abuse at them and then battering them in single combat.

Up first is this crazy purple bugger, but Arthur fells him with effectively one foul swoop.

Arthur then relays to Merlin, as they stride through the town, that he's bored with beating these people, and that what he craves is some real fighters. Merlin tells him he might have just the guy…

However, as Arthur points out, only those of noble blood can serve as knights.

"But… he is!" the warlock says, putting on his reassuring voice.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Very."

"Alright," the prince says, deciding to humour him. "Bring him to training tomorrow."

Back in Gaius' Head Quarters, the warlock relays this news to Lancelot, but their joy is short lived.

"You're not a nobleman, are you?" Merlin asks.

"Christ no!" Lancelot says. "Fucking snobs. Hate 'em."

"Ah," he says. "While I think I might know someone you're really going to get along with-"

"The first code of Camelot states that only those of noble blood can become nights," Gaius calls, bursting their little bubbles. "Uther created the knights to protect his kingdom from those who wish to destroy it."

"The proles are not going to destroy his kingdom!" Lancelot exclaims, looking dashingly vexed.

"Bah," the physician shrugs. "It's no skin off my rosy nose."

"Cheers, Gaius," Merlin says as he retreats.

"Ah, I shall never be a knight now," the hunk wails.

Later that night, Merlin and Lancelot have a little heart-to-heart, where Merlin discovers that his new companion has been inspired by the knights of Camelot, since his village was slaughtered by raiders.

Another interesting point about Camelot:

There are an awful lot of 'outlaying villages' for a small kingdom that seems to be mostly mountain.

"Every day since that one, I have devoted my life to sword craft."

Jesus, Merlin thinks. Has he not discovered girls yet?

"Everything I have fought for," Lancelot sighs, "wasted."

Merlin feels rather sorry for the poor bloke, and decides to help him, obviously forgetting that the last time he tried to assist in anyway, he found himself comatose by an angry witch.

This doesn't stop him sneaking into the castle's library and pikeying a seal from a massive book of noblemen, using magic. Despite Lancelot's protests on the subject, Merlin persuades him to pretend to be a lord, in order to get into the knights' club, and then reveal himself for what he truly is.

Really, this plan is utter crap, and Lancelot must be more of a fool than he looks, because he agrees to along with it without even thinking to doubt

If Lancelot wants to succeed, he's going to need a suit of armour, and Merlin knows just the place.

*****

"Gwen!" Merlin shouts, hammering on the door of the blacksmith's cottage. "Open up, I know you're in there."

"This is the finest place you can find?" Lancelot says, unconvinced. The door opens, and a rather dishevelled Gwen appears.

"This better be bloody important," she snaps. "Tommy got himself arrested again last night, and I'm trying to scrawge together the cash to get him out." She grabs Merlin by the hair and pulls his head down. "Who's the fittie?" she whispers.

"M'lady," Lancelot says, bowing slightly. "I am Lancelot." Gwen looks slightly shocked.

"What the fuck are you doing bringing sodding nobility down here?" she says, incredulously.

"We would like a suit of armour."

"If it's not too much trouble for you," the handsome knight finishes.

"You have really lovely eyes," she murmurs, staring straight at him. Merlin pushes past her, into the house, and gestures for Lancelot to follow. "I'll need to measure you," she says.

"Are you sure?" Lancelot asks.

"It's alright," she tells him cheerfully, producing a tape measure. "Em, sweetheart, make us some tea [1]." Gwen sets about discreetly fondling what she has decided will be her new piece of manhood. "You have rather lovely legs," she tells him.

"Merlin tells me you're a bit of a revolutionary," Lancelot says, nobly trying to distract himself from the wench entangling herself in his limbs.

"He's right," she laughs. "Have you got anything against revolutionaries?"

"No. After all, freedom is always and exclusively freedom for those who think differently." Gwen stops and looks up at him, smiling with bemusement. "What?" he chuckles.

"You're the first man I have ever met who's managed to get that quote into a conversation with it sounding forced or pretentious," she says. He smiles his devilishly handsome smile at her, and Gwen, hardened man eater that she is, goes to pieces with giggles, as she attempts to measure the breadth of his shoulders.

Merlin returns with mugs.

"Is he-" Lancelot asks.

"No, Merlin's straight as a bean when it comes to defending truth and honour," she says.

"Hussy," Merlin coughs, just quiet enough for Gwen to hear. She pulls a face.

"I just need one or two more," she says. "Arms up. Merlin, tea." With skill only a wench-come-hardened-blacksmith could possess, she manages to wrap a tape measure around Lancelot with one hand, support a mug of tea with the other, and berate Merlin verbally. "I don't know how you think you're going to pay for this," she tells him. "I'm bugger financially, so you're going to have to come up with something for me."

"Er," Merlin stammers, trying to think of something. "I can pay you in, um, root vegetables."

"M'lady," Lancelot says, with his lovely lilting voice. "I'm sure, should I be accepted into the knights of Camelot, that I could secure the release of your father."

"Oh, Lancy, why?" Gwen asks sadly. "You don't fancy becoming a fighter with me?"

"I'll bring it down from the inside," Lancelot whispers in her ear.

"I've finished," she says. "I'll have these ready by tomorrow, promise. I'm sure I can work a forge. Bye, sweets," she says, holding her hand out for the soon-to-be-knight.

"Goodbye, m'lady," Lancelot says, kissing her hand. They share a meaningful look, and Merlin wrestles him out the door.

*****

"She was lovely," Lancelot says.

"Who, Gwen?"

"Yes."

"Well," Merlin says, grinning. "Lovely's one word for it." Dangerous, angry, vaguely homicidal and daft as a brush are others, he thinks.

"Are you two-" Lancelot says, miming vaguely.

"Jesus no!" Merlin laughs. "Wouldn't touch her with a bargepole!" He stops. "But she's delightful and very… passionate. Not that I know firsthand, but I have heard her stories."

"Stories?"

"Yes," Merlin says, having to think of a delicate way of describing to this man who was obviously quite taken by Gwen, that she's actually really quite alarming to be around, especially when riled, and that she is a hazard to the world at large. "She's a fighter, is Gwen. She stands up for what's right." Or against what's in front of her, when she's foxed, he thinks, which thankfully, has never been me.

"I like that in a woman," Lancelot says. Merlin gives him a wary look.

"Good.

*****

We rejoin our heroes the following morning, as Arthur attempts to batter the new recruits to Camelot's knights into shape.

Arthur doesn't find it suspicious at all that this Lancelot fellow hasn't actually got a squire, and seems to be standing with Merlin and 'Mad Dog's' daughter.

"You look smashing," Gwen grins.

"Here's your chance," Merlin says, pushing Lancelot in the general direction of the prince. "Take it!" Gwen spreads out a blanket and pulls out a flask. "Are we having a picnic?" he asks as she sits down.

"I thought, if they're going to fight, we may as well get comfortable. Tea?"

Arthur beasts Lancelot, and proclaims him to be 'not ready.' All leave the battlefield, vaguely disappointed.

Merlin relays this story to Gaius later that evening, who declares himself to be quite suspicious of the warlock's maturity at Arthur's rebukal.

Enter the stained, grubby and overwhelmingly delectable figure of Lancelot.

"What's that?" Gaius asks.

"He got work in the stables," Merlin tells him cheerfully. The physician gives him The Look.

"A drink, before I lose my temper," he growls. The young warlock sighs. This was never going to be easy. "What the fuck is going on?"

"He's trying out for the knights, still."

"The first code of Camelot has never been broken."

"The first code of Camelot is a load of elitist horseshit!" Merlin snaps. "So I bent the rules."

"Using magic?"

"It was more of a trick than a spell."

"Did you win the seal of nobility in a game then?"

"Er, no."

"Then it was a spell, you foolish twat!" Gaius yells. "Why'd you sodding do it?"

"I owe Lancelot my life! I am paying him the only way I can."

"You could sell him Gwen."

"Gaius. You don't mean that. You've got scruples against that sort of thing."

"Bah!" the physician says, opening a bottle of whiskey. "I'm loosing them with age, and a bloody good thing to."

"So you approve?"

"I've never approved of anything, Merlin," Gaius says. "Barr alcohol and laughing at the ill."

*****

"I'll never understand why you take this shit," Gwen says as she watches her wannabee-knight polish swords.

"Because I have to."

"But surely, if you're fighting oppression, it's no good being put down yourself."

"Why do they call your father 'Mad Dog?'" Lancelot asks.

"Everytime he's arrested, he pretends to be mad, and they let him out. Also, our style of shouting, and our ideas sound a bit odd to most people," she shrugs. "So they call him 'Mad Dog.' He quite likes it. He has this daft idea it makes him sound notorious. Eh, heads up." She points to the approaching Arthur, who Lancelot has spotted out the corner of his eye.

Arthur throws a broom at Lancelot, and tells him to try and kill him.

"Why?" he asks.

"If I were you, I would," Arthur shrugs. "Come on."

Gwen takes up the seat just vacated by her knight-in-training. This, she thinks, could be interesting.

The two of them commence fighting. Two gorgeous young men, swishing and flicking and wrestling with sticks in open-necked shirts; it draws quite a crowd.

"Do'ya think we should stop them?" one onlookers asks.

"If you dare stop them now," Gwen murmurs, as the blonde prince shoulders her man into a cart, "I swear I might hurt you."

Lancelot tries to get a sneaky punch in, much to her approval, but Arthur dodges it and winds him.

"Congratulations Lancelot," the prince says, smiling his charming smile as said wannabee-knight attempts to get his breathe back. "You've just made basic training."

However, at that point there's the ominous tolling of bells and screams from the town gate. The observing crowds rush to see what has happened, leaving a bemused Lancelot holding two broom handles in the blacksmith's yard.

Merlin is comforting the mysteriously mauled villagers when the afore-mentioned knight-in-training rushed up.

"What happened?" he asks.

"Their village was attacked by a massive bird," Gaius says. Merlin and Lancelot exchange worried glances.

Deep in the Royal Chambers, Uther (who has suddenly appeared) is ordering Arthur to do something about this creature. The prince does point out that it is quite impossible for him and his men to track a creature through the air, but this doesn't bother Uther. Apartently, this creature's headed straight for Camelot.

*****

Later that night, following a brief spat with Merlin and several gin and tonic, we find Gaius sitting up, trying to find out what this bird really is.

This seems rather fruitless. A pissed middle-aged man should in no way be made responsible for finding out what this magical creature is.

The following morning, the knights of Camelot are summond by Arthur, who seems intent of teaching them an attack strategy. Lancelot wants to be a part of this, but Arthur, now robed up in armour tells him he can't fight unless he's a knight.

"Which is why I have brought your test forward to tomorrow," the prince tells him. Obviously, Gwen isn't the only one to be taken in by this rugged, tall, dark stranger.

Speaking of Gwen, she turns out in full force with Merlin, the following day, to support Lancelot.

"I do hope he wins," she says, swigging her tea. "I'm suspended from work until Tommy gets out, and I do miss Morgs. Sometimes, I wish he wasn't so daft."

Merlin cannot reply. He's too busy worrying over how the fight will go.

"Lancelot, fifth son of Lord Eldrid of Eastsex," Arthur says. "Your time starts now."

"I wish they'd start wrestling again," Gwen sighs. "That actually made my day."

"Not now," the warlock hisses, his stomach doing flips.

"I don't know why you're so worked up," she says. "It's a win-win situation for you." Merlin blushes.

"Shut up. I'm trying to concentrate." Both onlookers are transfixed by the fighting.

Arthur lands a hefty blow onto Lancelot, and in her shock, Gwen swings her arm back, hitting Merlin square in the chest, winding him.

"Oh, Jesus!" she yelps. "Sorry."

"I don't know why you're not fighting him," the warlock weezes. "You'd be sodding good at it."

Arthur lands a blow to Lancelot head, and the hunk topples over, helmet flying off. Both onlookers look vaguely disappointed. Arthur reaches down to take the banner from Lancelot's waist when a leg snakes out and floors the prince.

"I taught him that!" Gwen says proudly.

"Submit?" Lancelot says, waving a sword down at the shocked Arthur. Camelot's guard rush on and start to drag him away, but Arthur springs to his feet.

"On your knees," he orders in his gruff, angry voice. Gwen and Merlin exchange glances.

"If he hurts him, I leave everything to you because I'm going to fucking take 'im," she tells the warlock, who is making subtle preparations to floor the wench, should anything bad happen.

But the next thing he knows, Lancelot is a knight of Camelot, as declared by Uther.

"Who's this man?" Morgana asks. "He seems to have come out of nowhere."

"Morgs," Gwen tells her, "as much as I thank you for my Tommy's release, hands off, he's mine."

"Oh yes?"

"When we made our little plan," the wench reminds her, "what did we say? I'll find you a prince, and you let me keep all the spoils I find along the way. Lancy here is not a prince, he is a spoil. But don't let that stop you celebrating," she adds. "I mean, I'm sure he's got plenty of princey friends."

The celebrations of Lancelot's knighthood continue into the evening, with Merlin and Gwen roped into serving food, which, thanks to Gwen's infectious lack of work ethic, they aren't doing.

"I can drink you under the table," she tells him.

"Look busy," he whispers. "Arthur and Lancelot are looking our way."

"They're pissed," she shrugs. "They're not going to notice us."

Oh, but how wrong she is! For at that moment, Arthur is asking Lancelot his manly opinion of Morgana. However, Lancelot only has eyes for one woman in the room, and she's a damn sight more homocidal that the king's ward.

"Do you think her very beautiful?" Arthur asks.

"Well, yes," Lancelot replies.

"I suppose she is," the prince says, gazing over to where Morgana appears to be seductively nibbling a cherry in his direction. Lancelot's eyes, however, are drawn over to Gwen, who is trying to teach Merlin how to chug.

"You have to open all the muscles in the back of your neck," she says, holding up her mug of alcohol. "Make them relax, and then just tip it back. I can get a pint down in three seconds flat."

"I think Lancelot's got eyes for you," Merlin tells her.

"Nonsense," she says, giving him a shove.

"No, seriously."

"He doesn't have eyes for me. I just jump around and act all whorish around him. Whatever you think he feels, it's just delusions brought on by alcohol and school boy lust."

"On whose part?" he asks, smiling.

"Merlin, my love, you are quite drunk."

"For the sake of argument, okay? Which one, Arthur or Lancelot?"

"I'd have them both," Gwen tells him. "Despite the fact I adore you and that I value you highly as a good friend, I am also a lavicious hussy, and they are both very handsome men."

"Ladies and gentlemen," Arthur declares, standing on a table. "Join me in a toast, to our newest recruit. Sir Lancelot!"

"Jesus, that was cheesy," Gwen laughs. "Come on. Let's go see if Morgana knows how to play knuckles."

*****

The next morning, having spent a night on the town, Camelot-stylie, the two of them are feeling rather more worse for wear. Though Gaius has brewed them something to make them feel better, Merlin does not quite pull off brooding and hungover like our new favourite knight.

Suddenly, two palace guards burst through the doors and manhandle Lancelot out.

"Well done Merlin," Gaius says drily. "You've done it again."

Lancelot is pulled before Uther, and his fraud exposed, much to his, and it seems Arthur's, disappointment.

"You've broken the first code of Camelot," Uther tells him. "You've brought shame upon-"

"No I haven't," Lancelot says. "It's a fucking elitist rule."

"You were never worthy of the knighthood I bestowed upon you," the king says, looking afronted.

"Piss to your honour. I am worthy. It's just you and your bloody stupid mistrust of all things pleb that keeps me from becoming a knight."

"Take him away," Uther orders.

Lancelot's exit is far more dinified than the one Gwen made about two chapters ago.

"He meant no harm," Arthur says, once Lancelot is gone. "He only wished to serve."

"Firstly, he sounds too much like that Guinevere girl and secondly, he lied. How can you trust someone who has lied to you? The first code is a sacred bond of trust. It binds the knights together."

Actually, Arthur thinks, what binds the knights together is a love of fighting and communal showers. However, he doesn't say this. He hasn't come to questioning Uther quite that openly. Yet.

Merlin takes it upon himself to visit Lancelot in his cell, down in the dungeons.

"Gwen's very proud of you," he tells the disgraced knight. "She said to say that she's very pleased you stood up to Uther."

"Is that what she said?"

"I'm presuming she was talking about Uther because she kept refering to 'him' as The Man. I'm really sorry for landing you in this, though," Merlin says.

"It's not your fault. I agreed to go through with it. This is my crime and I will bear the punishment alone."

"That's unlikely," the warlock tells him. "I hear there's a team of highly trained anarchists waiting to pull you out of here at the nearest possible moment."

"I do not want that," Lancelot tells him patiently. "I deserve this."

Oh, but you don't, Merlin thinks. You really don't. Damn this system.

"I'm going to get you out of this," he says. "I promise."

*****

After a day of comforting prisoners, the last thing Merlin wants to suffer is a fit of enthuaism from Gaius.

"I think I've found the monster," the physician says, pointing to a page in one of his books. "It's a mythical beastie. A gryffin."

Just as he's saying this, the bells of Camelot ring out in warning, and sure enough, out from the skies swoops the creature, hell bent of eating some of the court.

"Oh, fucksy," Gaius curses, as Arthur and his small bunch of knights rush out. "Is he stupid, or just suicidal? No one can fight something like this!"

Especially, Merlin thinks, when your defense stratigy appears to be croaching on the floor.

The gryffin goes straight for Arthur, who rolls out the way, and then swoops down to land in the middle of the courtyard before hissing at onlookers.

"Charge!" yells Arthur. Gaius bangs his head against the window frame.

"Bloody idiots," he snaps, as Arthur smashes his spear on the gryffin's chest. "Don't they know a mythical creature when they see one? Twats! You're doing it all wrong!" Luckily, though, Arthur manages to distract it from eating him by waving fire at it. With a hiss equivalent to 'I'll be back,' it flaps away into the sky.

Gaius tries to tell Uther that this is a magical creature, but he won't listen, even when Arthur tries to tell him otherwise. He seems obsessed with sending Arthur to his death; he tells his son to ride out to hunt down the creature.

Arthur sends Merlin an exastperated look, which cheers our favourite warlock up no end. He can't stop worry about the possiblity of Arthur being sent to his death though, so he turns to Gaius for reassurance, which he doesn't deliver.

"If Arthur rides out against that thing, he'll die," he sighs, shaking his head.

"Then he must be stopped. We've got to get Uther to see reason."

"Seriously Merlin," the physician says, shaking his head, "Gwen'll give up on men before Uther sees reason with magic."

"Then-"

"You must do something," he says ominously.

"I can't!" Merlin exclaims. "I don't have magic that strong enough yet."

"If you don't, Arthur will die." Merlin paces under the stress of this emotional blackmail. "It's your destiny."

"What, to get killed by some creepy bird? You don't care about me!" he wails.

"Merlin," Gaius says gently. "I do care about you. But you've got to save Arthur."

"Then we have two hours to find some way of killing this thing," Merlin says. "We are going to save Arthur."

Once a-bloody-gain.

*****

Meanwhile, down in Lancelot's cell, Arthur has turned up to abuse him for a bit.

"I should have known!" he says crossly, pacing the cell. "You don't look like a knight. You don't even talk like a knight!"

"Steady now," Lancelot says. "Just because I'm not a skinhead, and just because I don't swear all the time doesn't mean I can't fight."

"I know!" the prince shouts. "You can fight. I need – hell, Camelot needs you. This is a creature that cannot be killed. I haven't faced anything like it before. It's magic."

"Seriously?"

"Only magic can kill it," Arthur says. "And we can't use magic. The knights must prevail with steel and sinew alone."

And despite all of Arthur's very lovely sinews, they aren't going to be enough.

So in what he probably feels is going to be his last noble action, Arthur is releasing Lancelot, and making him promise never to return to Camelot again, as to spare him from the wrath of Uther.

Arthur looks mildly upset as he lets Lancelot walk free, but never the less, it was the right thing to do.

Back in Gaius' hovel, he and Merlin have found this spell they can use to kill the gryffin. By speaking in Welsh at pieces of metal, he hopes to save Arthur.

Luckily for him, someone on the rougher side of Camelot has had the same idea, only he means to slay the gryffin using his sinews.

And what sinews.

Lancelot slips into the blacksmith's to find Gwen and beg her assistance.

"I've got to save Arthur," he tells her. "And I need your help."

"Damn your chiviolry," she says, fishing out some armour. "Damn it, damn it all. Can't you just elope with me? It'd be a lot simpler. Or we could go underground and start some sort of militant anti-Uther cell."

"My lady, I must help Arthur." Gwen sighs.

"I swear, no one has ever called me that and meant it," she says. "I'll bloody help you."

"If I should not return-"

"Oh, you fucker," she says. "You brought this on yourself." And with all the female enpowerment she can muster, she kisses him.

Like some sort of doomed regiment, Arthur leads his men out into the dark, to fight the gryffin. They clatter out into the night.

Meanwhile, Merlin is having no luck with his Welsh chanting.

"Arthur is going to die because of me," he tells Gaius.

"Merlin, don't think like that."

"Merlin!" Gwen yells, crashing through the door. "Lancelot's riding out to fight the beastie."

Merlin rushes out to join him. After all, as he tells the disgraced knight, Arthur needs all the help me can get.

Even if it's coming from a hunk who now can't think properly, and a warlock who is currently having flashes of low self esteme.

*****

And so into the valley of Camelot charge the knights, full of hope that they can actually beat this creature.

Their hope is misplaced. With just one swoop, the gryffin manages to take out half of Arthur's men. Merlin and Lancelot discover them, strewn all over the mossy banks.

"Please don't be dead, please don't be dead," he chants, attempting to find Arthur's pulse. "Sweet Jesus, yes! He's alive." He almost does a little dance of joy.

"I've got to kill it," Lancelot declares, leaping back onto his horse. He charges straight at the gryffin, which has returned to feast on the entrails of the knights of Camelot. "If it kills me," he shouts to Merlin as his horse rises up. "Tell Gwen. Tell her, viva la revolution. From me."

"That's a very dangerous thing to say," Merlin mutters. "So please, please don't die."

Lancelot charges, and Merlin starts chanting wildly.

It works. Lancelot's lance, which somehow Gwen has managed to provide him with, takes on a magical aura, and the gryffin was slain.

Arthur comes around too late to see Merlin running away, and just in time to see Lancelot remove his helmet, and appear like the godly hunk of manhood that he is in the moonlight.

*****

Arthur returns to Camelot with the intention of installing Lancelot into the knights, for his bravery. Uther isn't having any of it. Apartently, it's not enough to be brave. You have to be posh as well.

Uther sends him outside while he berates Arthur for fighting The Man, and doing the right thing. Merlin turns up, though, to congratulate Lancelot, which he does as Arthur fights with his father over keeping Lancelot in the knights.

"I'm telling you," Merlin says. "He hasn't done this for anyone else. They'll restore your knighthood. After all, you killed the gryffin."

"But I didn't kill the gryffin, did I Merlin?" Lancelot says simply. "You did. With your Welsh."

"Er," Merlin starts, beginning to panic.

"Don't worry," he says. "I won't tell anyone. I can't take credit for what is not mine though."

And with that, he bursts into Uther's throne room.

Bloody hell, Merlin thinks. Do I inspire daft acts in everyone around me, or only the ones with noble causes?

"My lords," Lancelot declares. " I have come to bid you farwell. I have lied to you both, and cause conflict between you, and I cannot stand that. I must start again, away from here. I must prove I am a worthy knight of Camelot."

"Come on now," Arthur protests, "you've already proved that."

"But not to me. Farewell." Arthur looks delectably upset as Lancelot leaves.

It's not fair, he thinks. What sort of system is it where to recognised as honourable, you have to be rich as well?

*****

Thinking that exact same thought, as she watches her handsome knight ride away, is Gwen.

"Guinevere?" Morgana asks. "You alright?"

"What a bastard," she sighs. "I know he takes care of you and all, but Uther Pendragon has just sent away the only man who has ever called me my lady." She thumps the wall angrily. "I'm going to go wash things now. I have a lot of pent up anger that I'm quite tempted to beat out on the scrubbing board."

Merlin and Gaius watch him leave too.

"Maybe it was wrong to help him," Merlin muses.

"Bah, no. Your destinies were intertwined from the start."

"Do you think he'll ever return?" the warlock asks.

"Well, if he doesn't, I think he's going to be hunted down by a mob of angry anarchists, fueled by a want to see their queen's heart made whole again."

"Gaius," Merlin laughs. "You do speak some complete horseshit, sometimes." The physician shrugs, and they watch him gallop away, out of sight. "Until next time, Sir Lancelot."

[1] That's right; the good people of Camelot had tea.

**Coming next…**

Who is this Edwin that's suddenly appeared? Has Merlin doomed himself with his trusting nature? Is Morgana doomed to spend the rest of the series in a comatose state of not speaking? And has Uther overstepped the line with Gwen?

Tune in next time to find out…

It's not brilliant, this chapter, but I promise to be back on form for the next bit.


	6. A Musical Interlude, I Think

I do not own this wonderful, wonderful song either.

I resisted for the entire chapter, but I had to get this in. Not enough people are aware of this beautiful musical, and having watched Monty Python and The Holy Grail with my brother at the weekend, I realised this must be shared. Insert at any point in the following chapter, should you get bored.

There's a really good video of John Barromen clips to this song, on YouTube. If you want to know how it sounds, I totally recommend checking it out.

His Name Is Lancelot – Spamalot, the Musical.

**Herbert:**  
Lancelot you might as well just fess up  
Really you're a different kind of guy  
Move aside your scabbard  
For underneath your tabard  
There is waiting to escape a butterfly  
**Men:**  
His… name… is… Lancelot  
And in tight pants a lot  
He likes to dance a lot  
You know you do  
**Lancelot:** I do?  
**Men:**  
So just say thanks a lot  
And try romance, it's hot!  
Let's find out who's really you.  
His name is Lancelot  
He visits France a lot  
He likes to dance a lot and dream  
No one would ever know  
That this outrageous pro  
Bats for the other team.  
**Herbert:**  
You're a knight who really likes his night life  
And by day you really like to play  
You can all find him pumping at the gym  
At the Camelot Y.M.C.A.!

_Insert synth solo._

**Men/Women:**  
His name is Lancelot  
Just watch him dance a lot  
He doesn't care what people say  
**Lancelot:** No Way!  
**Men/Women:**  
For when he starts to dance  
Just grab your underpants  
**Herbert:**  
He can finally come out and say that he is G.A.  
**All:** Y.M.C.A.  
**All:** He's Gay!  
**Lancelot: **Ok!

Beautiful. Actually beautiful.


	7. Chapter 6

Getting slow at this. It's because I spend most of my time that I could be writing watching Spooks. Damn this vicious obsession. Must get a life at some stage.

Here's another chapter for you wonderful people.

Chapter 6. In which Gaius finds himself being deposed and Morgana takes on the role of Sleeping Beauty.

"You'll never guess what's just fecking arrived for you!" Gwen says, jumping up into Morgana's room. "Ta dah!" She waves bunch of lilies at the princess.

"Who are they from?"

"Don't know. Arthur?"

"Oh, piss off," Morgana laughs. "He fancies me as much as he fancies-" Gwen gives her a look. "As much as he fancies Gregs. Put them in a vase though," she says. "They're lovely."

However, unbeknownst to anyone in the court of Camelot, in those lilies, an evil bug has been placed by some deformed, probably rather evil wizard. Shame really; he used to play Mac in Green Wing, and I rather fancied him then.

Neither Gwen or Morgana notice the bloody massive creepy-crawlie that has been living in the flowers. It waits until nightfall, and crawls into Morgana's head.

Nice.

*****

Morgana's sudden unconscious disposition causes a major incident at Camelot, and Gaius, as the court physician, is called to try and cure her.

"What's your diagnosis?" Uther asks.

"I'd say she was in a coma."

"She's been like this for two days!"

"I do know," Gaius tells him patiently. "I have been here. I think she has an inflammation of the brain. I'm treating her everyway I can."

He exits, and meets an expectant and worried Gwen on the stairs with Merlin.

"Is she any better?" she asks. Gaius pulls a face.

"No."

"Is it food poisoning? I could never forgive myself if it was." She bumbles away, murmuring softly about the terrible things clotted milk could do to a man.

"She's all but dead," Gaius tells Merlin in a whisper. The warlock looks quite sad. After all, Morgs is a lovely girl.

"You have to cure her," he says.

"Don't you start."

"Maybe I can…" he gesticulates. "Help."

"Do you remember what happened the last time you had that idea?" Gaius says. "Gwen's father? Remember? The time Gwen nearly got burnt as a witch?"

"But-"

"No," the physician tells him, striding off. "Just no."

Meanwhile, creepy-possibly-evil-man-with-scars has appeared in daylight, to offer his services to Arthur, as to the curing of the lovely Lady Morgana. The prince stubs him, but Edwin, as we discover his name is, is not phased by this. It's only a matter of time, after all.

Merlin tries to cheer Arthur up. It does hurt him to see him down. Part of him can't help but be amiable that Arthur hasn't yet started on a quest for Morgana. Surely, if he loved her, he'd be on a horse, looking for a cure.

As it happens, he's sitting on a chair in Camelot, looking anxious, and in a strange way, this makes Merlin quite happy.

*****

Gaius has to break the news that he can't preserve Morgana's life for much longer to Uther and Arthur, who don't like it.

This is nothing to what Gwen will say, he thinks.

"There's this man who says he can cure her," Arthur says, remembering what Edwin told him. Both Gaius and Uther disbelieve him.

"He's probably just some charlatan looking for a quick bob," the physician warns.

"If she's going to die, we should at least give it a go!"

"Send for him," Uther sighs. Gaius waits until they've both gone before gazing down on Morgana and shaking his head.

"I hope you know what you're doing to him," he says crossly. "Especially as neither of you want it."

However, this is not the time for vaguely philosophical musings. Edwin has arrived, and he is presented before the king. Gaius vaguely recognises him.

"Have we met before?" the physician asks.

"I doubt you would forget a face like mine," Edwin says, chuckling darkly. Oh, we like him. He might be evil, but he's got a black sense of humour, something one doesn't see enough of around Camelot.

He explains he has a remedy to cure all ills. Uther wants to know more. He may be a heartless bastard when it comes to plebs and witches, but when it comes to those he loves, he will try anything.

Merlin turns up to check out what's going on in the throne room. Edwin explains that he hasn't handled anything he hasn't been able to cure. He stokes Gaius' ego by calling him a legend, but the physician is still wary. He hasn't kept his position over the years by giving in to all the flattery that has come his way.

"I would like to diagnose the Lady Morgana," Edwin says. Him being a doctor and all, it would probably be an idea.

Uther should have twigged then, that there was something going on. This Edwin fellow, he does too much bowing and he's far too charming. Remember what happened the last time someone charming got into Camelot? Yes, Merlin landed in a coma.

"You can have the services of my manservant," Arthur says, nodding to Merlin. Edwin nods, and with a sweep of his purple cloak, he is away.

To begin with, Edwin and Merlin seem to get along. Edwin says he used to be into Alchemy, and that's where all his equipment came from.

"You are in to science?" he asks.

"Science is knowledge," Merlin tells him brightly.

"Science explains everything."

"Not love though."

"Ah," Edwin says, with his charming voice on. "So you are in love?"

Shit, thinks Merlin. How do I manage this? Why is it that everyone I meet has me figured out in five minutes? Is this all just some massive joke? Has Uther realised that I'm magical, and is only keeping from having me executed because I'm amusing to watch?

"Er, no." Edwin looks unconvinced. "I meant feeling and emotions."

"You seem awfully bright to be just a servant."

"Well, don't be taken in by the cupboard doors. The walls are filthy.[1]" The new physician gives a little chuckle as Merlin continues to root through his things. "What's this?" he asks, holding up a box which appears to be making suspicious beetle noises.

"Hands off that," Edwin warns, suddenly getting quite uptight and snatching the box away.

They arrive at Morgana's chambers, to find Uther and Gaius waiting around the bed and Arthur, for some reason, lurking behind the door. When he asks for everyone to leave the room, Uther must mistake Edwin's vaguely evil, smug smile as a nervous twitch, brought on by the facial disfigurement.

Oh how little the king knows of the ways of men.

What Edwin doesn't count on happening is Gwen entering half way through his little magical moment. Luckily, he manages to hide the tweezers and handkerchief that he appears to be using to effectively lure the bug out of Morgana's head, and distract Gwen with talk of getting him some water.

Gwen isn't fooled. She knows when something afoot.

With a few well chosen words and a flash of blinding light, the creepie-crawlie is removed and Morgana is saved.

Edwin then proceeds to plant doubts as to Gaius' medical skills into Uther's head, while throughrally confusing Arthur. He never was a good one with the sciences.

Morgana lives, however, and for now, all appears to be well in Camelot.

*****

At the insistence of Uther, though, Edwin stays at the palace. It seems, to the well trained observer of Merlin episodes, that he's got a little scheme going on. He's still doing all that daft bowing.

Gaius suspects something is up, but is wise enough not to mention it to anyone. After all, he doesn't want to be seen as this green eyed monster.

He pays a visit to his friend, the court librarian. Gaius wants to look at some records from the time of something called The Great Purge. It sounds oppressive, so it's no wonder Uther's banned the breaking of the seals on the documents.

Gaius wanders away, mumbling darkly about how the world appears to be against him nowadays.

Merlin is visiting Edwin's chambers. Seeing he isn't there, the warlock decides to have a little nosy through this mysterious man's things. He comes across the box of beetles, and with his magic, he makes them come alive.

"Very good," the smug voice of Edwin tells him.

Internally, Merlin wails to himself. Oh, Jesus Christ, not again. With some more well chosen words, Edwin stops he beetles moving.

"You can do magic," he says.

"Er, no," Merlin says, lying feebly. The physician gives him a disbelieving look.

"These little angels saved Morgana's life," he sighs. "They went inside her brain to repair the damage." And Merlin, the gullible fool that he is, believes him. Edwin then proceeds to charm our poor warlock into thinking he's good, and that what Merlin has is a talent that could improve the world.

Which, of course, is true, but not when it is moulded by Evil Edwin.

"Imagine what we could achieve," he says, "if we shared our knowledge."

World domination and the corruption of poor Merlin! We shout at the screen.

Later that night, the librarian Jeffory brings Gaius the records that he wants, and the court physician, with his hobo gloves, scowars through them well into the night.

Edwin, meanwhile, is dining with the king, where he all but convinces Uther that Gaius is plotting against him. This is highly unfair. All Gaius has even done again Uther is mildly defraud his tax collectors and thrown lecherous glances at his serving girls, and there isn't a person in Camelot who hasn't committed at least one of those crimes.

*****

Crime-busting Gaius strikes again.

"You're Gregore and Jane's son," he says smugly.

"They were friends of yours," Edwin says bitterly.

"They were sorcerers."

"They were people too." Edwin pulls his nasty smile and strides towards the door. "Let's tell Uther. Shall we? Let's tell him everything." Gaius isn't a fool. He knows what hysterical outbursts lead to.

"Where are you headed with this?" he asks coldly.

"Why don't we tell him about Merlin too?"

"Merlin?" Internally, Gaius is frothing verbally at the boy. "Stupid pissing fool can't keep his sodding mouth shut," he murmers.

"You didn't know he was a sourcerer?" Edwin smiles. "Oh, I wonder what Uther will do to him. Have him burnt? Beheaded? Smothered in fish paste and mauled to death by cats?"

"You would turn your back on another sourcerer?" Gaius snaps, ignoring the cat threat.

"You did!" Edwin yells. "When you turned a blind eye to my parent's death?"

Now we see! The Great Purge, as so many of us suspected, was that time when Uther went around murdering lots of innocent magicians in an incadent rage (for reasons yet unknown).

"You want revenge," Gaius says calmly. "You seem to presume I would sacrifice Uther for Merlin." This is a blatent bluff. Gaius is not one of these people who doesn't care who employs him, just so long as the money comes in. Then again, he would never let Merlin die. He just has to convince Edwin he's a big player, and that he too is as cold as ice.

He fails.

"If you so much a breathe a word to anyone about this, I will go straight to Uther and tell him about the boy," Edwin says.

Enter Merlin, who seems to have remained totally oblivious to the raised voices in the corridor, the smug Edwin and the pained-looking Gaius.

"We were just reminising about old times, weren't we Gaius?"

"Yes." Gaius shoots Edwin a look he has perfected for use on nosy tax collectors and Uther when he's in a cheerful mood. Merlin, however, is far too obvilious and daft as a brush, so doesn't notice this evil stares.

Edwin then continues to spin evil lies to Uther about Gaius being incompitent and old.

"Have you considered my offer?" Uther asks.

"Oh yes." Again, the king completely misses that evil smirk. Uther could spot a properly evil plot if it danced naked on his lap.

"Then allow me to do the same," he says regally. Edwin does that silly bow again, and sweeps away.

It's time for Morgana, who has rather sadly been neglected for the previous episode and a half, to jump into action in the defense of Gaius.

"You can't just sack him because he's old," she protests, looking mildly upset.

"If your care had been left to him, you would have died, and that would have been more than I could stand."

Only because you wouldn't have anyone to marry off in stratigic alliences! She thinks aggressively.

"Still-"

"I am not prepared to risk it happening again." Morgana pulls a face and sashays off to find Gwen. At least she's got someone to whine at.

*****

Late that night, Gaius watches Merlin sleep. It might count as slightly creepy, he thinks, but it's convinced him that what he can't do is run away with the gold he's been hiding in science books for the last forty odd years. He is not going to leave poor Merlin to be corrupted by Edwin.

So he sets off to visit the dragon.

Again, another point about the security of Camelot's castle.

Seriously, this is getting to the point where it's not a joke anymore. An elderly man, armed only with a knowledge of basic medicine and a kletomanic taste for anything shiny, can get into the dungeon with the dragon. What's stopping some evil maniac with execellant disguise skills or Gwen and her anarchists breaking in and using it to their own ends? Jesus. No wonder Camelot's under threat every week. Have they even considered getting locks installed in the dungeons? Apartently not.

"Er, hello?" the physican calls into the gloom.

"Oh, Gaius, you've gotten old."

"Piss off, you poor excuse for a lizard."

"And you have changed so little," the dragon says, chuckling.

"I come on behalf of someone else. Some in grave peril."

"Ah, the boy."

"You know about Merlin?" Gaius says. Damn, he thinks. My element of surprise is ruined. "So it's true then?"

"Oh yes. One day, he and that Pendragon boy will unite the lands of Albion."

"Something you should probably know about Merlin," Gaius says, pulling a face.

"I know what lies at the heart of the boy."

"So Gwen's told you too?"

"What Merlin feels, I feel too."

"There are several laws and the issue of different species standing between you and Arthur though," Gaius points out. "Merlin is in trouble."

"No," the dragon corrects. "My jailer is."

"Must Uther die?" he asks. Arthur looks young and idalistic, and unlikely to turn a blind eye to things.

"Their time cannot come until his has passed."

"And is that time now?"

"That is of your choosing."

"Now I remember why I don't come down here anymore," Gaius grumbles. "Always Gaius, saving the world. Bloody hate it. Can't someone else do it?" But the dragon just giggles.

"Turn a blind eye then," it says. "You seem to be good at that."

"Shut up," he says darkly. "What do you know? You live in a fucking cave."

*****

Never the less, it looks like Gaius is going to have to decide on some sort of action plan. Uther declares that it is time he retired Gaius from his service. He would be jumping for joy at this point, but he smells something's afoot. The idea of being carted away to the Albion riviera sounds nice, but Gaius suspects he's being pushed.

"You're retiring me because of one mistake?" he says, vaguely outraged. "That's not fair. Why, for all you know I could be unionised." Uther looks like he's about to suffer a minor cardiac arrest at the idea of a trade union. "I'll tell you what the mistake was-"

"Yes, Gaius?" Edwin jumps out from being a pillar in a whirl of purple.

"And who is to be the next court physician?" Gaius asks.

"None of this was Edwin's idea," Uther reasons. "Initally, he turned down the idea."

Oh you silly bastard, the physician says to himself. You really wouldn't recognise a proper magician if one bit you in the arse.

"I'm sure."

"You sound hesitant," Uther says. "Is there something I should know?"

"Well-" he starts. How fast can he get Merlin out the court? With Gwen's help, quite quickly, but there's no garentee of that, once the truth comes out. And there's also no garentee Merlin would go, either. The boy's been spending far too much time around Arthur.

Bah, curse him and his chivilrous notions of honour, Gaius thinks.

"It's been an honour," he says, and leaves. He still has dignity, after all.

*****

"I've lived a life that's full! I've followed each and every highway! And more, much more than this, I did it my way!"

"Gaius, get off the table before you hurt yourself."

"I am old and decrepid, Merlin," Gaius slurs, waving a bottle at the warlock. "I'll do whatever I bloody well want."

"Uther can't do this," Merlin says, wrestling the old man down.

"He can. He's the bloody king."

"I'll talk to Edwin. Maybe you can work together."

"I don't want to come within twenty yards of that gobshite," Gaius says, swaying. "I'll fucking do 'im!"

Merlin reckons the physician is more a danger to himself than to anyone else.

"Are you leaving?" he asks, observing the boxes of things Gaius is packing.

"Yes. This town ain't big enough for the two of us."

"Then I shall come with you," Merlin says gently.

"No you fucking won't. I shan't let you. Your place is in Camelot, with Arthur. And don't blush like that, because you're becoming even less subtle that Gwen."

"Where will you go?" the warlock asks.

"I don't know. The coast. I've got cash squirrelled away here and there. I'm a rich man, Merlin. I can go where I want."

"You can't leave."

"I fucking can. I'll be gone by tomorrow morning. Oh, don't look so upset. You've got a face like a puss' bottom."

"I am not going to let this happen," Merlin says stubbonly, running away.

"Hey, shit happens kid," Gaius slurs, knocking back the rest of the liquid in the bottle.

And so Merlin goes to seek out our favourite prince, in the hope of convincing him to help him.

Despite the fact that his chest is oh-so-visible through that shirt he sometimes wears, and the fact that he now has wonderfully tousled hair, Arthur proves to be less that useless, and Merlin convinces himself that the prince really cares for Morgana.

The fool. Especially as Edwin's about to put his evil plan into action.

Meanwhile, on the road out of Camelot, Gaius comes across Gwen.

"Oh, you can't leave," she says sadly.

"I would have said goodye, but I'm in a bit of a hurry." He gives her a knowing look, and Gwen nods. She's been in on his fraudulent schemes for years.

"I don't trust Edwin," she says. "There was no blood in her ear when I looked. He did something to her, and I don't stand for that sort of crap."

"You need to be careful who you say that to," he warns.

"You've been saying that to me for years," she laughs. "I'm not dead."

"Yet."

"Ever the optimist. You've got to do something though," she says. "I can't. Uther won't listen to me or Morgana. Arthur's lovely, but thick as two short planks, and I can't tell Merlin because he'll do something daft."

"I can't," he says. "I'm leaving."

"You can!"

"I have no choice."

"You always have a choice."

"Gwen, I haven't got time for your angry ranting now."

"You'll miss it when you're gone," she says sadly. She kisses him on the cheek.

"Hussy."

"Miser. Goodbye Gaius. When the revolution starts-"

"You better tell them I'm with you." He smiles, and plods off into the distance with his donkey.

*****

It's all happening now. Uther, having drunk the brew that Edwin has made for him, collaspes in a small heap.

Oh dear, the more sympathic among us think. Something's definitely afoot now.

Uther wakes to see Edwin hovering over him, murmuring quietly about his homicidal plans.

The creepie crawlie on Uther's pillow comes to life and trots slowly towards his ear.

"I long to hear you scream," Edwin says, "like they screamed."

Oh God, Uther thinks. Physicians. I should have just stuck with the fraudulent git.

*****

Edwin sweeps back into his chambers, in order that he can collect his bags and make a run for it.

"Stand and deliver," Gaius growls, from an alcove. "I'm not going to let you get away with this."

"Why?" Edwin asks. "You've never had a problem with letting people die before."

"Your parents weren't funding my research and retirement plan," Gaius says.

"And how do you plan on stopping me?"

Gaius breaks into some gentle Welsh [2], but it's not good enough. Edwin flings him against a wall and casts up a ring of fire. [3]

Meanwhile, Arthur has just found out that Uther has been given Morgana's brain disease. He leaps out on Merlin and orders him to go find Edwin.

He bursts into Edwin's chambers to find flames surronding Gaius.

"What's going on?" Merlin cries.

"What the fuck do you think is going on?" Gaius sighs. "Your perception skills are really terribly, Merlin."

"Together, with you at my side, we could rule this kingdom," Edwin cackles. "We could be all powerful."

"I only stand for one sort of power seizing," Merlin says. "And that's anarchic coups. Release him!"

"Your loss," Edwin sighs, and magics an axe to kill Merlin.

Bad move. Merlin can deal with axes. He sends it flying back at the evil one, splitting his skull.

The ring of fire dies down, leaving Gaius unscathed.

"Are you alright?" Merlin asks.

"You tossbag," Gaius says, giving him a wild look.

"Sorry?"

"We've got save Uther," he says.

And so the two of them make a mad dash for Uther's chambers, to save his brain from being nibbled away by an angry magical beetle.

"How do we get it out?" Merlin asks.

"Magic."

"We can't use magic on Uther!" he exclaims. "He'd kill us!"

"It's not like he's going to know," Gaius says. "Look, he's going grey. Hurry up, or he'll die."

And so kneeling on what he feels is the wrong Pendragon's bed, Merlin cups the kings ears and chants wildly in Welsh.

It works. The beetle comes out in his hands, and Merlin and Gaius look at it in amazment.

"Fucking brilliant," Gaius says happily.

*****

And so normality resumes in Camelot.

Uther continues being broody and vaguely homicidal, with Gaius at his side once more.

"I know I have forced you to things you have found difficult," the king says.

"You have always done what you thought was right," Gaius tells him.

And anyway, I've secured a safe place in Gwen's revolution, should anything go wrong with you, he thinks. I've got a back up plan on both sides.

"I am sorry I betrayed you," Uther says. "From now on, I will remember. In the fight against magic, you are the one man I can trust."

Oh the bitter and delicious irony. Oh indeed.

Uther rewards Gaius by giving him his job back and making him a free man.

"What does that mean?" Merlin asks.

"Some more of this bloody feudal crap," Gwen shrugs. "Clap anyway, it's good for Gaius."

"Am I not free then?"

"Obiviously not. Apartently, we need a certificate to be free, nowadays."

As Gaius and Merlin stroll through the streets of Camelot, savoring the afternoon sun, Gaius points out that it was Merlin that saved Uther, so should be Merlin getting the reward.

"I'm not bothered by that," Merlin says honestly. "What matters most was that you were prepared to lay down your life for the king's."

"Don't know where you got that idea from," Gaius chuckles. "I'm old and infirm. I don't have to agree to save anyone."

Merlin smiles to himself, because somewhere, in the inner most recesses of his heart, he suspects Gaius might just have some honourable alligences that can't be bought or betrayed by whiskey or turnips.

And that's a start.

**Coming next time…**

Is this start of properly Weepy!Morgana? Are all the beautiful women of Camelot psychopaths? And is this next installment poor excuse for A Midsummer Night's Dream, or a rip-off of a Torchwood episode?

Tune in next time to find out...

And also, my friend and I worked out that it's this episode coming that heralds the great beginning of the wild homoerotic undertone (as if we hadn't noticed them already). *dances wildly*

[1] French proverb I have stolen from a Jean Paul Sartre play. _Mefiez-vous des placards, les murs sont cra-cra. _There should be an accent in there somewhere. I copied out of some of my **ancient** English notes. No points for accuracy, at all.

[2] Welsh = language of all magic. Fact.

[3] My Maths teacher used to play this to my class, so I know all the words. Cool, yes?


	8. Chapter 7

Once again, I disclaim.

Apologies for the indecent spelling and grammer. This goes from my keyboard to Microsoft Word to MSN's Spell Check programme to you good people because I can't be bothered to look for a Beta. Sadly, this is to your loss, but I do hope you're getting the general gist.

Chapter 7. In which we see how easy it is to ensnare a prince and learn the perils of falling out with fairies, especially the angry feministy ones.

We rejoin Arthur and Merlin out on the hunt. It's Camelot's answer to Brokeback Mountain really; two rather attractive men, alone in a forest with nothing more than their weapons and each other for company. [1]

It's Merlin's idea of bliss. Just the quiet countryside and his handsome prince for company. He's even prepared to put up with Arthur's bitch slaps when he disturbs prey.

Then a bloody damsel in distress goes and ruins it all by shrieking for help, and like the gallant fool he is, Arthur goes galloping away to her rescue. He fights like a gentleman, taking the would-be bandits that appear to have ambushed two rich passers-by on one by one.

Merlin assists by taking out one of the men with a log.

"Stroke of luck," Arthur mutters, noticing the way one of the bandits has been killed by a mysterious falling log. Merlin nearly drop the odd, raccoon like creatures he is holding. He's finally noticed something.

Another thing Arthur's noticed is the daughter of this rich man he has appeared to save. She's a bit of a stunner.

He kisses her hand in greeting. We last saw that move pulled on Gwen by Lancelot a couple of episodes back, and look where that got them both.

The rich bloke turns out to be a man called Alfrick, and the stunner, Sophia. Upon their arrival in Camelot, they tell Uther that their home has been sacked by raiders and that they plan on travelling west, to start a new life.

Uther, obviously also quite taken by this Sophia bird and her pitiful plight, tells them they can stay a while.

Being foolish must be a genetic trait. Does Uther not remember what happened last week when he allowed a stranger to stay in Camelot? A small bug nearly ate his brain.

*****

"Make sure you put her in a decent room," Arthur says, in reference to Sophia.

"What, like the one next door?" The vague bitterness in Merlin's voice is completely missed. Merlin doesn't so bitter very well.

"The one next door's fine. Excellent."

Uther's a bastard, Merlin reminds himself. He'd never allow his son to fall in love with, let alone marry, a girl with no cash.

"Mm," he says, grinning.

"Shut up Merlin," the prince says.

"I didn't say anything!"

"I want to make it clear. My intentions towards Sophia are completely honourable."

"Oh, like I've never heard that one before," Merlin murmurs to himself.

"What was that?"

"Nothing. Put on in a room on the other side of the castle. It's warmer. More comfortable." Arthur puts on that hideous red jacket, thinks better of it, and takes it back off again.

"She is very beautiful," the warlock says.

"Do you think I'm blind?" Arthur chuckles. "Of course she is."

"And if your intentions are honourable…"

"Which they are. Really honourable. I mean, Sophia isn't exactly one of nature's Gwens."

"Well, no," Merlin says, choosing to ignore the prince's insinuations that his best friend is really nothing more than a common tart. As tarts go, Gwen's a pretty uncommon one. "I don't think Sophia'd last ten seconds in a pub brawl."

Arthur gives Merlin a wry look. For a moment he thinks Merlin might actually have a sense of irony.

"Put her in the rooms next door," he says.

As Merlin is showing Sophia to her rooms, Morgana appears and almost dies of shock. This Sophia girl, she realises, is the one who's been appearing in her dreams, standing above a drowning Arthur.

"She can't stay here," she blurts to Merlin.

"She can. Uther said so." Morgana looks like she's having a complex emotional battle, but Merlin doesn't notice, and as usual, completely believes her when she says that nothing's wrong.

So she goes to visit Gaius. He might be a tad odd and quite suspect in his motives, but Morgana, being able to see the good in everyone, quite likes him. She thinks he has an elderly sleazy charm about him.

"I'm sorry the place is so messy," he tells her. "If I'd known you were coming, I'd have tidied it up a bit. It's mostly Merlin's crap."

"Your bench is on fire," she tells him.

"It does that." He potters away, leaving the flames to rise. "Can I get you a cup of tea?"

Fearing for the safety of the rest of the court, Morgana dowses the bench with a bucket of water.

"I've had another dream." Gaius gives her a sympathic look. "I saw Arthur drowning, and there was a woman standing over him watching him die. And now she's here, in Camelot."

"I once drempt I was a goat," the physician tells her. "But look at me! I've got two legs and I don't have hooves." Morgana doesn't look terribly reassured. "The mind plays tricks on you, old girl," he says, patting her on the shoulder.

"No!" she says desperately, looking a bit upset. "This was before she arrived, I swear. I saw him die, Gaius, I saw him die."

"It's alright," he sooths her. "It was only a dream. Here." He give her a bottle. "This will induce a deeper sleep."

"Thank you," she says, sighing, and makes to leave.

"Morgana," he calls after her. "Don't be telling Uther about this. There's no need to worry him." But Gaius is worried by something, and in Camelot, that's a bad sign.

*****

It's a dark, dark night in the forest of Camelot, and in a clearing, the one bandit that wasn't killed by Arthur or the power of the log is looking a bit ominous and a bit lonely.

Out of the bushes steps Alfrick. Just when we thought that we could get through an episode of Merlin without some bad guy, he turns out to be in league with this Scottish bandit. Ho hum. Something's afoot.

The bandit, who, for the sake of the glorious exploitation of national stereotypes, we shall call Angus, wants more money.

"It was a dreadful waste of life," Alfrick sighs. "If it's any consolation, you'll see them soon." Our new favourite bandit looks a bit puzzled, and before he can react, Alfrick zaps him with his magic stick.

And that's the end of Angus. Shame, I could see some potential with him.

Morgana has that dream again where she sees Sophia drowning Arthur. It doesn't bode well at all.

The following morning, Arthur asks Merlin to cover for him while he takes Sophia out for a walk in the woods. Arthur thinks Merlin can just spin some sort of story to Uther, and the king'll believe it. Merlin thinks that Arthur's euphemisms need work.

"I'm a terrible liar," the warlock says. "Uther'll see right through me."

"But if I don't take Sophia out, it'll blow my chances."

Personally, Merlin thinks Arthur'd do better to start with something like a lunch on the battlements, rather than jumping straight into the walk in the woods, but who's he to give the prince dating advice? Especially as the idea of the dating makes Merlin a little bit sad inside.

"I can't order you to lie to the king," Arthur says, giving Merlin that look he sometimes tries to give Morgana. Merlin goes to pieces. Curse this prince and his wonderful charms. Arthur gives him a smile. "You'll be a friend for life if you do. I can even give you some advice on relationships," he says.

"If you can teach me how to knock a man out with nothing more than a beer mat, then maybe I'll start taking your advice on dating," the warlock says. "Until then, I'll stick with Gwen. Now go, you don't want to keep Sophia waiting." Arthur gives him a manly slap on the back and head off out. Merlin doesn't mind. Sophia might have him for the afternoon, but he's got a prince scented pillow, and you can't get much better than that.

*****

"Are you sure it's her?" Gwen asks as she and Morgana watch Arthur and Sophia gallop away into the distance.

"I'd never forget her face."

"I knew it. No one can look that good and be that lovely. It's sick." She frowns. What are you going to do? Tell Uther?" Morgana pulls a face.

"What, that I can tell the future? You know how he'd react. And anyway, I can't prove anything."

"That's never bothered Uther before," Gwen says. "You're his ward. Surely you get some kind of diplomatic immunity."

"Nothing," Morgana sighs.

"In which case," Gwen says. "We shall just have to try and stop him ourselves. I'm good with men. Leave this with me."

"If only I could," Morgana says, looking mildly weepy. "If only I could."

Merlin is also facing a dilema. He has to explain to Uther why his son isn't present to go off with the guards.

"Where's Arthur?" Uther asks.

"I think there's been a mistake," Merlin say quickly. "Only it's not his fault. No, not at all."

"Where is he?"

"It's not his fault. It is most definitely my fault."

"Where is my son?" Uther says sternly.

"He's not here."

"Yes, I can see that."

"Arthur asked me to check on his duties, to see if he was riding out with the guards this morning, and well, I might have forgotten." Uther looks a bit livid. "It's not his fault. I'm sure he would have been here, had I remembered to tell him."

"If this was a time of war, I would have had you flogged," the king says.

"But as it's not, you'll let me out with a verbal reprisal?"

But no. It's Merlin to the stocks again, much to the relish of the good, vegetable-throwing people of Camelot.

*****

In an attempt to impress Sophia, Arthur walks her down to the river. Despite being in a highly inappropriate dress, and depite the fact that she's brought a massive stick with her, she's doing a very good job of being gorgeous and charming.

"Arthur," she calls in that damn annoying, pixish voice. "Wait."

"What is it?" he asks. Smiling, she takes him by the hands and gazes up into his eyes.

Before beginning to chant in Welsh! This girls magic, and by the looks of things evil!

Luckily for Arthur, she hears voices and stops. There's a twang, and Arthur throws them both to the floor just in time to avoid her being spear by an arrow.

From a crossbow, by the velocity of it. Pah, historical accuracy goes flying out the window.

But it has totally ruined the mood. Arthur reaches out to give her her staff back, but she gets a bit edgy.

"Don't touch that!" she yelps.

"Sorry," Arthur says, looking a bit wary. Jesus. Women. "We should probably be getting back to Camelot."

"Oh no," she trills. "Sorry, I was upset. No, we can still go down to the river. Don't let this spoil our day together."

"Your father would never forgive me if I let anything happen to you," he says, being all princy and chivolrous.

Damn, thwarted! Sophia thinks, as she is led back to Camelot. However, this won't last…

Merlin arrives back at Gaius' Head Quarters, smothered in rotting vegatables.

"Baha," Gaius cackles. "Bit early to be out fighting?"

"The king put me in the stocks," Merlin says bitterly, again failing with the concept of bitterness. "It wasn't my fault, I swear."

"I have told you about taking the rap for things Gwen's done before. It's not cool and it's not chivilrous."

"This was for Arthur."

"Oh you little romantic." Merlin blushes wildly.

"It wasn't like that," he mumbles, pulling tomato seeds out of his hair. "He wanted to go out with Sophia so I said I'd cover for him."

Gaius is suspicious of Sophia. Naturally, he's suspicious of everyone, but especially so of Sophia. No one's managed to ensnare the prince of Camelot so quickly before, and he doubts she's managed to do it using her dazzling personality.

And so the physician enbarks on a little nosy around the chambers that have been alotted to Alfrick, to see what he's up to. Gaius has always found there to be something odd and disturbing about middle-aged men with little beards.

He finds Alfrick's staff, and is giving it a good once over, when Alfrick himself turns up.

"And what are you doing in here?" Alfrick asks. Gaius makes the correct presumption that Alfrick is quite vain, and rather pompous, and so plays the senile card.

"Oh, I am sorry," he says, pulling his vaguely lost face. "I was a bit confused. Is this not my room?"

"No," Alfrick says irratated.

"I do apologise for imposing myself on you," Gaius tells him. "It won't happen again." He bumbles out of the room, being careful to walk into the table first.

*****

Arthur returns home to Camelot with his maiden, safely unbewitched.

"Are you sure you're alright?" he asks her.

"Yes," she says, beaming at him radiently. "Thank you for today." She kisses him on the cheek and wiggles away in a cloud of copper velvet.

"Oh yeah," Arthur says, doing his little dance of celebration. "She's digging you."

Morgana bumps into Sophia on the stairs. Sophia tries to win Morgana over with her nicey-nicey attitude, but the princess is having none of it.

"I know what you're planning on doing to Arthur," she says smartly. "And I shan't let you."

"Does Arthur know you feel that way about him?" Sophia says sweetly. "I expect he does, and I expect he's already turned you down."

"Sweetheart, I don't fancy Arthur," Morgana asserts. "I'm just after his general wellbeing. I don't want him embroiled in some fiasco with some twelve year old who doesn't know how to handle herself."

"Such a shame," Sophia pouts. "I know it must be gutting, being let down by someone you love so much."

"I won't let you make a fool of me."

"I don't have to. You're doing a fine job of it yourself, all tarted up like that."

Bitch faced whore, Morgana thinks. I'll get Gwen to get someone to piss in your bath.

"Stay away from Arthur," she says out loud.

"Or what?" Sophia says smugly. "Jealousy is such an unattractive trait in a woman."

"If anything happens to Arthur," Morgana says. "I'll find you. I don't care how long it takes."

Sophia just looks smug.

*****

And now, you see, the evil plan starts to make sense. Sophia meets up with Alfrick to talk about Arthur.

"You were not gone nearly as long as I expected," he says. What's this? I hear you cry. Is Alfrick, with his daft beard and angry eyes, planning on setting his daughter up with Arthur, and then selling their story to Ye Olde Hello! Magazine?

"We were interrupted," she says. "I was nearly killed. For a moment, I thought I knew what it would feel like to die a mortal death." She shivers, and we realise now that poor Arthur has become enbroiled in yet another bloody magical plot. "He saved me," she says contemptiously. "Someone so weak, and with so many vaguely chauvanistic undertones saved me. I can't bear to be like this a moment longer!"

"You won't have to," Alfrick says. "The moment his heart is yours, the gates of Avalon will be opened to us, and we can regain our true form."

Oh, now we see. Alfrick and Sophia aren't media junkies, they are in fact supernatural beings.

That doesn't bode well though.

Morgana has taken it upon herself to try and warn Arthur away from Sophia. This was a bad idea from the start. She has no idea when it comes to hinting to men what they should do. She's far too quiet, and far too lovely looking to do the job well.

"You fond of her," she says mildly.

"You make that sound like a bad thing," Arthur says. Immediately, Morgana seems to become overcome by his strong masculine tones. She's also a fool. She should just should at him that's she's evil and then leave.

"Not nessaseraly," she says fairly.

"I've just never seen you fall under a woman's spell so quickly."

"If you're jealous, Morgs, it's okay to admit it," he says.

Tosser, she thinks.

"Don't flatter yourself," she says.

"Come on," he laughs. "Everyone wants a bit of Arthur."

"I am mildly digusted by that idea," she says warily. "I'm just trying to protect you."

"Why?" Arthur asks. "What makes you say that?"

"I've just got a feeling," she offers feebly. She tries to tell him about her nightmare, but he just laughs.

"Feelings, bad dreams," he says. "You don't have to make this stuff up. I know you like me."

"You know what?" Morgana sighs. "I've changed my mind. If she wants to hurt you, good luck to her. I think I might join her, you intolerate tossbag." She storms away.

"She digs me too," Arthur says into his wine.

*****

"You're dressed!" Merlin exclaims.

"Nothing gets past you, does it Merlin," Arthur mutters.

"You're meant to be wearing these," he says. "Your father's giving a knighthood to one of your men."

"I think I'll be giving it a miss," the prince shrugs. Merlin feels like battering him over the head with his armour. Gwen was right last night. The prince is becoming more and more arrogant and intolarable by the day.

"It's the most important day of that man's life," the warlock seeths.

"Yeah, do you think you could cover for me again?" Arthur asks. "Oh, and cheers for yesterday. Heard you ended up in the stocks; bad luck."

"They were throwing fucking potatoes," Merlin growls. "It is only supposed to be rotting fruit."

"If it's any consolation, it was worth it," the prince grins.

"Oh really?" Merlin asks. He hopes the answer is no, but knows it won't be.

"She's incredible," he says dreamily.

No she's not, Merlin thinks. She's got an iratating voice and a funny shaped face. Forget her and fall in love with me.

However, it is not to be, for now at least. Arthur leaves Merlin to rot in the stocks, and we find him chasing Sophia through the woods, like a pair of carefree lovers.

She stops suddenly, and falls into him like a clumsy Mills and Boon heroine. Taking his hand, she once again gazes up into his eyes and BAM!

Out with the Welsh and in with the spell. He's under her command now.

*****

"Bah," Gaius cackles as Merlin returns, once again, smothered in vegtables.

"You would have thought the appeal of throwing fruit at the same person would wear off after a while, but oh no," the warlock says with daft cheerfulness.

"He wasn't at the knighting ceromony," Gaius says.

"I know. He's making the most of his time with Sophia."

"You shouldn't encorage him," Gaius says darkly.

"I'm a servant. I have to do what I'm told," Merlin tells him in his glum voice.

"You shouldn't. I don't think this Sophia is all she seems."

"Why?"

"What do you know about Seers?" Gaius asks.

"Are we talking about the drink or that crazy woman called Meg who lives near Gwen?"

"They're supposed to be able to see the future," the physician says, pacing. "Like prophets. Visions of the future come to them. Some don't even know they have the power; it comes to them in their dreams."

"You think Sophia's a Seer?"

"No. The night before she and Alfrick arrived in Camelot, Morgana had a dream. Sophia was in it."

"Before she came to Camelot?"

"Yes. Oh, Merlin, we're all bollacked. Sooner or later, we all have to face up to it. Morgana's got power. She's a Seer, and the moment Uther finds out, she's doomed. She saw Sophia drown Arthur in her dream."

"Are you sure?" Merlin exclaims.

"Yes, I'm bloody sure. Morgana's not as hysterical as we think."

"Who are they?" the warlock asks.

"I'm not bothered with who they are," Gaius says. "It's what they want with Arthur that I fear. Bloody fool wouldn't know a dangerous woman if one bit him."

Gaius is right to be worried. What with Arthur being enchanted, he's now fully in love with Sophia, and very much under her command.

"Our love is strong," she whispers at him in her annoying waspy tones. "But there are those here who would break us apart."

"I'd never let that happen," he assures her.

"Because we are in love."

"Because we are in love."

Meanwhile, her father is off to speak with 'the elders,' though Merlin follows close behind. They wander through the Camelot woods until they reach a mysterious lake.

"I seek an audience with the Shee elders!" Alfrick calls out. There's light and wooshing noises, and out of this lake, a load of little sparkly creatures appear.

Lords above! Merlin thinks. Fucking fairies!

These are bad fairies though. Alfrick wants a life of immortality for his daughter, and in return, he's going to give the Shee Arthur.

Merlin can't let this happen. Arthur's place is ruling Camelot, not being devoured by fairies, so while Alfrick is still laughing maniacally, Merlin makes good his escape back to Camelot.

He tells Gaius, who's throughrally impressed.

"You saw Avalon?" the physician gawps.

"Avalon?"

"It's the land of eternal youth. Mortals are only supposed to glimpse it the moment before death."

"Well, I saw it and I'm still here."

"What does it look like?" Gaius asks.

"It's quite sparkily," Merlin says. "It doesn't matter. What matters is Arthur is in dreadful danger."

"And I know how!" the physician declares. "We are dealing with the Shee. They're masters of enchantment."

"You mean Arthur's been enchanted?"

"Yes. Morgana's dream is about to come true."

*****

And it's about to get so much worse. Arthur, under the enchantment of Sophia, has taken it upon himself to ask Uther's permisson to marry the girl. Uther thinks this is hilarious, until he realises Arthur's serious.

"We are very much in love."

Shit, thinks the onlooking Morgana.

"I can take her down from here," Gwen whispers in her ear. "Just say the word and she's down like a mat."

"No don't," Morgana tells her. "I think she's dangerous. Let's just monitor this one."

"Your mental," Uther says. "I'm not going to let you marry her."

"I don't care what you think," Arthur says, taking Sophia's hand and walking away. "I am going to marry her."

Merlin, upon hearing this, feels like someone's punched him in the stomach. It's not nice hearing the one you love being tricked into doing things like that, after all.

"Arrest Alfrick and Sophia and prepare to execute them."

"You can't do this," Arthur shouts.

"I can," Uther says. "And unless you show me a little more respect, I shall. Release them." He gives Arthur a look. "You're young. Sophia might be your first love but she won't be your last. Enjoy yourself while you can."

Arthur replies with a silent murderous look. He's not going to take this laying down.

Morgana chickens out of telling Uther about her dream, but it's probably for the best.

*****

Merlin makes an attempt to pascify Arthur, but fails. Arthur insists he's madly in love with Sophia, in a way he'll never be again, and that he fully plans on running away with her.

In Merlin's head, he can hear Yvonna Fair's It Should Have Been Me singing out in his head. [2] He's quite heartbroken. He can't believe he's going to lose his love to some blonde bint with an annoying voice.

Enter Sophia and Alfrick! Merlin tries to tell the prince that she's nothing more than an evil hussy, but he won't listen. He tries to tell him the truth; that she doesn't love him, and that she's only after him so she can sacrifice him for eternal life.

Merlin makes to grab Alfrick's staff, but the ex-fairy snatches it away.

"Did you see that?" Merlin yells. "His eyes went red!"

But it's too late. Arthur's been given this red eye too, and before he knows what's happening, Merlin's been zapped into a wall.

Damn, these fairies are good.

Under cover of night, Sophia and Alfrick lead Arthur out of Camelot, in the single most unstealthy exercise in the history of the castle. They leave, in their own clothes, through the front gate. The guards of Camelot must simply all be blind.

However, Morgana sees, and she jumps into action.

"Arthur's gone, that stupid tart's taken her, he's gone!" she shrieks, bursting into Gaius' chambers.

"What?"

"You heard me, you senile ratbag! She's got Arthur! I know you don't think I'm right, but I do and so does Gwen, so we've got to tell Uther."

"You can't do that," Gaius says, trying to calm her down.

"Why not? If I don't Arthur'll die."

"Yes, this is all very romantic, but if Uther think's you've got the Seer's power, you'll die."

"I have no choice," she wails.

"Morgs," Gaius says. "We've known each other a long time. You trust me."

"Yes," she says cautionously, not sure where this might be going.

"Then stay here, and don't say a word about anything to anyone. I'll take care of it."

"But Arthur-"

"I'll handle it," he tells her sternly.

"If you're not back by dawn, I'm sending Gwen after you," Morgana warns.

Gaius crashes into Arthur's chambers to find an unconscious warlock sprawled on the floor.

"What the fuck happened to you?" the physician says as his young tennant groans from the floor.

"Arthur," Merlin wails.

"What happened to you?"

"Fairies and wands and can you hear that buzzing?"

"No. Sit down you fool," Gaius tells him.

"No, must go after Arthur."

"Has the buzzing noise stopped."

"Yes."

"Liar," the physician says.

"I've got to go after him," Merlin says.

"The Shee are vicious little buggers."

"Don't I know! One of them tried to stick me in a wall!"

"Good luck then," the physician says, taking advantage of Merlin's frail state by tricking him into going after Arthur on his own. "Wrong way," he calls as Merlin makes to walk into a wall. "You're never going to save Arthur by being clumsy and lost."

"Don't see you trying to save him, you old git," Merlin mutters. Gaius beams.

"That's my boy!" he calls after him.

*****

As Merlin is racing through the forest of Camelot, looking for his handsome prince, we are subjected to an oddly sweet moment of parental love, as Alfrick bids Sophia farewell. Apartently, their destinies are on different paths.

A note on the subject of destinies:

When they were handed out, the people around Camelot must have been in a really disagreeable mood because the ones they have now, they don't like at all, and the only person who likes destinies is the dragon, who isn't really a person, and spends most of his/her/its life in a cavern under Camelot.

Arthur watches all this with vaguely lifeless eyes and a frankly rather gorgeous expression of gormlessness across his features.

Sophia then takes his hand and leads him into the lake. The dramactic music starts. If Merlin's not quick, this is going to turn into Dirty Dancing gone wrong.

She puts him into an enchanted sleep, it seems, with a kiss, and he drops underwater. Oh dear! It seems Morgana's dream is about to come true. Is this the end for our lovely, obnoxious prince?

Not if our favourite warlock can help it! With the help of Sophia's abandoned stick, he zaps Alfrick and his nasty daughter into obvilion.

This doesn't help Arthur though. With all the grace of an aggressive goose, Merlin splashes through the water.

"If you're dead I'm going to fucking kill you," he yelps as the water laps at his waist. "Fucking freezing, fucking freezing!" He takes the plunge, diving down in the depths of the lake.

He resurfaces, triamphant, with the unconscious Arthur in his arms, and though it's not stipulated whether there was any CPR, or mouth to mouth resusitation, I believe it is our duty as Merlin fans to speculate.

*****

Merlin and Gaius are at Arthur's bedside when he comes around.

"Hello Number Three," the physician says. The prince, having never watched 'Ye Prisoner,' does not understand the referrence.

"Gwen?" Arthur asks.

"No," Merlin assures him.

"What happened?" the prince asks. Merlin and Gaius look anxious.

"What do you remember?" they ask.

"Oh, my head," he wails. "There was a girl. Sophie, I think. I asked… I asked Uther something and-" He remembers the planned elopement. "Oh shit," he yelps. "What was I thinking?"

"Well," Merlin says, trying not to look immensely pleased. "We did wonder. Especially when you eloped with her last night."

"I did what!?"

"Merlin had to track you down," Gaius says.

"I don't remember any of this!"

"It must have been some blow," the physician says, overacting with an natural talent.

"What!?"

"You didn't want to come back, so I got you very drunk and smashed you over the head with a log," Merlin tells him.

"He only did it for your safety."

"And anyway, she looked like a slag. You weren't missing much."

"No one can know about this," Arthur says, pointing and gesticulating wildly. "Any of it."

Gaius and Merlin exchange glances. Merlin can see it in his eyes that his physican-come-guardian wants to ask for money, but he won't agree. At least not yet.

*****

"When you didn't turn up for patrol this morning, I feared you'd eloped with Sophia in a fit of passion," Uther says when Arthur appears.

"Like that tosser knows anything about passion," Gwen mutters from her position behind Morgana's chair. Her lady gives her a look. Arthur looks like he's been taken unawares; he has yet to concoct a story.

"I wish he had," Merlin says, pausing for dramactic effect. "Because then-"

"Not you again," Uther says, looking almost bemused.

"It was no one's fault," he says. "In fact, you could say it was mine-"

"Someone tell me what happened. Someone with half a brain." Merlin looks quite offended, but Arthur picks up.

"After Sophia left, I wanted to take my mind off her," he starts. Morgana pulls a face at him. She's seen right through him already. "I went for a hunt."

"Because killing things mends a broken heart?" she says.

"No. But it's fun. Merlin was meant to inform I would be back later today but…" And with that ellipse, he leaves Merlin to take the blame for his silly act of lust.

"Do you have some kind of mental affiction?" Uther asks.

"Probably?" Merlin offers.

"I'm looking into it," Gaius says kindly.

And that's Merlin back in the stocks again. Heartless bastards, those royals.

With the exception of one, it seems. Morgana pays a visit to Merlin and Gaius, to thank them for bringing Arthur back safe and well.

"You must have hit around the head quite hard," she says.

"Yes. I feel really bad about that," he assures her.

"I wouldn't. It's not everyday you get to give someone what's coming to them."

When she's gone, Gaius tells Merlin she must never find out what really happened. Should Uther find out about her premonitions, her life will never be the same.

"Is she like me?" Merlin asks. "Can she use magic?"

"No one's like you, Em," he says.

"But can she?"

"I bloody hope not," the physician sighs. "This place is enough of a mess without more magic."

But that's blatently not to be. Morgana's dreams keep on increasing, and it seems they've got to the stage where a mug of Horlicks just isn't enough to quell them.

This could be interesting...

[1] I think it's probably painfully obvious now that I have, sadly, never seen Brokeback Mountain.

[2] Anyone who has seen the Vicar of Dibley Christmas Special with Richard Armitage will know exactly what I'm thinking about here.

**Coming soon…**

Has Uther paranoia reached a new level? Is Camelot about to suffer a mistletoe shortage? And is this the end of Arthur?

Tune in next time to find out.

**Also! **As the BBC has sadly failed me on this front, there's a Merlin Christmas Special coming soon to this wonderful piece of prose, so watch this space.


	9. Chapter 8

My internet died on me yesterday. In order to continue with this work of parodic beauty, I had to ring three male relatives (who were almost no help whatsoever) before getting the kind man who lives below me to help. Big love to him, and though he'll never know, this chapter is in honour of him.

Chapter 8. In which we learn the dangers of child care and in which Arthur battle internally with himself, concerning the common good.

We rejoin our favourite mythical city on what I imagine would be a Tuesday. We meet a man and his son as they wander through Camelot's market, harmlessly looking for food and spices.

Suddenly, angry soldiers spring out and ambush them. The man and his boy make for Camelot castle, for some daft reason. Don't they know it's the last place they want to go? A guard jumps off a rock and slashes at the small boy, who screams. What is Camelot coming to, we think? Attacking children and harmless looking men with beards?

Merlin hears his cry. His head's a bit like a radio for magical creatures in distress.

The man with a beard pushes the boy through the gates, and uses his magic (which appears to be the reason he's being pursued to close them after him. He is promptly surrounded by guards.

Uther's still king. It's only episode eight. This doesn't look good for that poor man.

*****

Merlin's having a nice day, strolling through the corridors of Camelot, when he hears a voice in his head calling for help.

Wandering out into the courtyard of the great castle, he spots a small boy crouched by a cart, looking quite inconspicuous and quite scared.

Seeing the guards appear, he decides he's going to do something.

_They're searching for me,_ the child says through the means of head-speak.

_Why? _Merlin asks. Had the child a sense of irony or cynicism, he might reply that it might just have something to do with this fact that he can get into people's heads, but no.

_They're going to kill me,_ he says, looking quite forlorn.

Merlin makes up his mind; he's going to help this child escape. However, in trying to discreetly smuggle him away, he attracts the attention of the guards and the two of them have to make a mad dash up some stairs.

"And I said-"

Merlin crashs into Morgana's chambers.

"Merlin," Morgana says, "have you forgotten how to knock?"

"No time," he pants. "They're looking for him."

There's some rabid knocking on the door, and grunts from the guards.

"If you don't help them, I'll cause a scene," Gwen warns.

"Behind there," Morgana tells them, pointing to a curtain. Merlin drags him back just in time for the child to collasp into his arms. "Hello there," she beams at the guards as she opens the door. "How can I help you on this fine morning?"

"We're looking for a druid boy."

"Well I haven't seen anyone. It's just me and my maid here," she says brightly. Gwen waves.

"I'd advise you stay in your rooms until we find him," they tell her.

"Okay," Morgana says, slamming the door on them. She throws back the curtain to find Merlin looking quite shocked and smothered in blood.

"Shit," he says. "He's bleeding." Morgana looks at Gwen.

"Sorry, I can only deal with broken bones and cuts from bottles." Morgana pulls her worried face, but let's not panic. I've seem from last week's trailer that she's basically the main character here. She'll have a cunning plan to sort them out.

Arthur, meanwhile, is trying to pacify his father in an attempt to get him to release the druid man. After all, he wasn't doing anything evil, magic-wise, he only wanted some food.

However, this is good old totalitarian Uther he is talking to. He's not going to get anywhere.

"Of course we need to execute him," the king says. "It'll make an example of his kind."

Oh dear, Arthur thinks. He's lapsing into 'mad with power' mode again.

"The druids are a peaceful people," he says gently.

"Given the chance, they would return. They preach peace but conspire against me."

Arthur gives him a look, which he ignores. Really, the prince thinks, there is nothing anyone can do to change his mind.

"Showing mercy is a sign of strength," he says.

"Our enemies would not see it that way."

How many enemies do we have thanks to your murdering and rampaging? Arthur thinks crossly. Sometimes, having a royal father is a pain in the arse.

"Find the boy," Uther says. "Search every inch of the city."

Sadly, they are going to execute the boy's father. Merlin and Morgana watch from her window as Uther condemns him.

"I'm sorry," Merlin says, "but I think he's a bastard."

"Don't be," the princess tells him. "I agree."

"We are still searching for his accomplice," Uther says. "Anyone found harbouring the boy will be charged with conspiracy and will be executed as a traitor."

Merlin and Morgana exchange glances.

"Are you sure you're still up for this?" he asks. "Because I can take him, and then if he's found, it'll just be me who gets blamed."

"I'm in it now," Morgana says. "I'm sure to be arrested for conspiracy any day now anyway," she shrugs. "Such is life."

"Let this serve as a lesson to your people," the king declares.

"You let your fear of magic turn to hate," the druid sighs. "I pity you."

Uther doesn't like pity. Evil megalomaniacs just don't. He orders 'off with his head' like he's some sort of bizarre Queen of Hearts.

Magic druid child in Morgana's room can sense his father death, screams, and breaks the mirror. He's an angry magical child now, and in Merlin's experience, angry magicians are the worst kind.

*****

Over dinner that night, Merlin tries to get some information on druids out of Gaius, but completely fails on the subtlety front.

"You haven't got yourself mixed up in all this, have you?" the physician groans. "Merlin, what have I told you about standing in horseshit that isn't yours?"

"I haven't done anything," Merlin says feebly.

"You're a terrible liar." The warlock blusters, then gives up.

"I heard him cry out to me, inside my head."

"Merlin!" Gaius yells. "Responding and assisting what is basically 'the voices in your head' is never, ever a good idea! Oh, just be careful," he says.

"I'm always careful," Merlin tells him cheerfully.

"Phst, whatever."

The good guards of Camelot are searching everywhere in their quest to find the missing druid boy. No cart is left unpoked, no barrel is left unturned. The shifty fellows of Camelot, Merlin included, are rather unnerved.

The warlock goes to visit Morgana again, to keep an eye on the boy.

"How is he?" he asks.

"He's very pale," she tells him. "I'm worried he might have lost a lot of blood."

"Doesn't look like that to me," Merlin assures her. After all, the bandage is quite clean, and she's not the supposed medical expert, he is.

"Has he said anything?" Merlin asks.

"Nothing. He won't even tell me his name."

"You know," the warlock says, smiling slightly. "There was a moment back then when I thought you were going to hand us over to the guards."

"I'm glad you've got so much faith in me Merlin," she says, pulling a face.

"I didn't mean it like that," he tells her. "I mean, you're the king's ward. You're not the type to live on the wild side like this."

"Merlin," she laughs. "I've got a anarchist working for me, and I'm trying to find a knight to elope with. Looking after magical children is a walk in the park. He," she nods to the boy, "is not about to start a military coup. I don't see what harm the boy's done. He's innocent of anything."

"Uther thinks the boy's got magic."

"That's not a crime," Morgana says. "Uther's wrong."

"You believe that?" Merlin asks, his heart soaring. Could it be that someone else in Camelot thinks that magic can be used for good?

"I don't believe that magic is something you choose," she says. "I think magic is something that chooses you. Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Lazy eye," he stammers wildly. Morgana just looks bemused.

"Why are you helping him?" she asks.

"It was a spur of the moment decision. I'm a spontaneous person." She looks vaguely unconvinced, so he decides to change the subject. "What do you think we should do with him?" he asks.

"We have to find a way to get him back to his people."

For all her clever words, Merlin thinks, she might as well be a crazed as Uther. It'll be bloody impossible to get a mysterious child out of Camelot without someone noticing. However, she's got sparkly eyes. How's Merlin supposed to resist that?

*****

That night at the royal dinner, Uther tries to grasp the skills of agony aunts, in an attempt to get to the bottom of what he thinks is bothering his ward.

Enter Arthur.

"Any news on the druid boy?" Uther asks.

"We have conducted extensive searches, but found nothing," the prince tells him.

"So you have failed then." Morgana pulls a face at this. She dislikes having to hear Uther put Arthur down like this. She thinks it to be terribly bad for his son's self esteme. There's still a part of her that thinks Arthur has a secret sensitive side.

"He could have left the city by now," Arthur offers as way of an explanation.

"Are you telling me that a wounded ten-year-old could manage to evade the city guards?"

"Have you not met the city guards?" Morgana mutters. She thinks Arthur might have heard her because he smiles slightly.

"Nonsense," the king continues. "Someone's hiding him. I want him found."

"Why?" the prince asks, coming over all defender-of-the-people-ish. "What harm can he do?"

"He's a druid and that makes him dangerous."

Morgana tells herself that this'll all be over soon and there'll be a new government in place before she knows it. She tells herself to ignore Uther's cruel magic hating.

"The druids would have you father's kingdom destroyed," she says mildly.

"I had no idea you were such an authority on druids," Arthur snaps at her.

"Morgana is right," Uther declares. "Double your efforts. Find the boy."

Arthur regards Morgana with some painful evils as he leaves, but it's all alright. Morgana forgives him. He won't have to be Uther's pawn for much longer.

The following morning, she summons Merlin to have a look at the boy. Like anxious parents, they crowch over him, worrying over the fact that he's burning up.

"What are we going to do?" Merlin asks.

"Don't ask me, I'm not the medicine man! We need to get Gaius."

"Gaius will hurt me."

"We can't move him until he's well again, and to get him well, we need Gaius," Morgana says.

"I'll treat him," Merlin says confidently.

"Do you even know how to treat an infected wound?"

"Not really," he admits, "but how hard can it be?"

Morgana's about to tell him this is a terrible idea when they hear footstep and there's a knock on the door. The two of them exchange glances before Morgana closes the curtain, leaving Merlin and the poorly druid kid shielded by nothing more than a drape of what looks like crushed velvet.

Through the crack in the curtain, Merlin spots Arthur making an entrance.

"Shit," he mutters, eyeing up the child next to him. "No funny business, alright?" he says. "No head muttering. Got that?"

"Don't get excited, this isn't a social call," Arthur remarks pompously.

"I wasn't. What do you want?"

"I have orders to search the castle," the prince says.

"You are not searching my chambers."

"I am searching everywhere."

Merlin notices the druid boy's shoes are still in the middle of the room. Quick as a flash, he magics them to trot over to him behind the curtain.

"I'll save you the trouble of wandering around my room eating all my food," Morgana says. "The druid boy's hiding behind the screen."

Merlin goes into cardiac arrest. It's all over, he thinks. She's dobbed me in. I'll be tortured and beheaded and eaten by angry crows. I didn't want it to end like this. I wanted to be glorious!

"Oh yeah like," Arthur snaps.

"I'm sure your father would love to know how you wasted your time rifling through my pants," she says smoothly. "Why don't you have look?"

"So you can have the satifaction of making me look like a fool?"

"You don't need help in doing that," she tells him, beaming.

"Oh, just go back to sewing, or whatever it is you do all day."

"Chauvanist wanker," she calls good-humouredly after his retreating back.

*****

Merlin finds out what he needs to do, and what he needs to mix together to do it. However, Gaius has had a bad day, and so wants to bore someone for an hour or three, and so traps him in the Head Quarters on the pretense of teaching him about science.

"Sorry," he tells Morgana as he arrives with a pot full of anti-inflamitory paste. "Once Gaius get talking about anatomy, there's no stopping him."

"You mean you've just been given the facts of life by some sleezy physician?" Merlin in an innocent. He has no idea what Morgana is talking about, so just decides to agree with her. The princess looks throughrally amused. "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

"I'm doing my best," Merlin assures her.

"I'll get you some more water."

A note on the good women of Camelot:

They do seem to think that water can cure every ill known to man. Though I know little of science, I do know that as amazing as water is, they're wrong. It's no wonder there's such a high fatality rate in the city.

While Merlin is spooning his antiseptic stuff all over the druid boy's arm, the druid boy starts to talk in his head again. He calls Merlin 'Emrys,' because apartantly, that's what his people call Merlin.

Merlin's quite disconcerted. Have the druids been bitching about him?

"Speak to me!" he whispers.

"I don't know if he can't speak, or if he's just too scared to," Morgana sighs.

He can speak! Merlin thinks. I just heard him! He's inside my head!

Not knowing what to do, Merlin goes to see the giggling dragon. Though the dragon has never really made much sense in any other episode, he feels like today, it might. It just might.

"You silly twonk," the dragon says. "You've been fratinizing with the enemy."

"Are you talking about that child? Why does he call me Emrys?"

"Because that is your name," it says cleverly.

"My name is Merlin."

"You go by many names."

"Listen here, Dragon," Merlin says. "I'm not some sort of drag queen or a plant. I don't have a common name and a latin name and a stage name."

"You shouldn't be protecting this kid," the dragon says.

"Why not?" Merlin says. "He's got magic! We're the same!"

"You're like chalk and cheese," it says. "You shouldn't be protecting him."

"Why not?" Merlin asks, but it's too late. It's flown away.

Bloody tempremental reptiles, he thinks.

*****

Despite Merlin's best efforts, the boy gets worse.

"Let me care for him for a while," Gwen says to Morgana. "You've been up for days. Get some rest. You'll make yourself ill."

"Get me more water!" the princess says.

"The water en't going to help," Gwen tells her.

_Morgana!_ The boy says in his mind-speak.

"Did you hear that?" Morgana asks, looking rather jumpy.

"No."

"He said my name!"

"Did he?" The maid shrugs. "I didn't hear anything." There's knock on the door, and Merlin appears.

"Tell her to get some rest," Gwen says through her teeth. "I do not want to put up with another night of pacing."

"We've got to get Gaius," Morgana says.

"Ah, well, you see-"

"You've got to get Gaius!" she snaps. "If he doesn't get treatment, he'll die! Please!" Not wanting to incure the wrath of a hysterical, incredibly tired royal, Merlin does as he is bidden.

Gwen starts to formulate a plan to drug her mistress.

On the other side of the castle, Gaius is having a little winge about having to spend double the amount of time out because of all the extra security.

"Morgana's hiding the druid boy in her chambers," Merlin says.

"Merlin, you silly stupid whore, why, why, why are doing this? This is too much stress for me in my old age."

"We're going to save him."

"You're crazy. Every guard in Camelot's looking for him. That might not sound like a terrible threat but sooner or later, someone's going to find him!"

"You're saying it's wrong to habor a young magician?"

"Merlin, don't use hypocrasy against me. I simply don't care anymore."

"I need your help," the warlock says. "We need someone to treat him. I've tried but I can't."

"So now you want me to risk my neck for you too?" Gaius says crossly. "Oh, what the hell. I can make it out of here before anyone'll even know the difference. Take me to him."

Thanking whatever divine enterty the good people of Camelot believe in for Gaius' tempremental attitude, he follows the physician away.

Gaius does treat the boy, Gwen avoids inadvertly poisoning her employer and Merlin gets his work slagged off. It's alright though; the boy'll live.

*****

"The guards are searching everywhere," Gwen says, fresh from her reconassience mission into Camelot.

"But there's a way out?" Morgana says.

"Is there hell. There's a secret door that leads down to the lower town. Em and I can take the boy out that way."

"No," the princess says. "It's too dangerous."

"Dangerous is my middle name, Morgs," the maid-come-anarchist smiles.

"No it isn't. It's Emily. I'll do it."

"I can do it," Merlin assures her. "I'm good with secret doors and things."

"If you get caught, Uther will execute you," Morgana tells him. "The boy is my responsibility. I'll take him."

"She'll need a key for the door, won't she?" Merlin says.

"Oh yes," Gwen grins.

"Who has the key?"

"Arthur. Don't worry, I have a plan," she says. "You're going to take advantage of his predatorial, carnal lust."

In the end, Merlin makes Arthur some soup, and promptly manages to convince the possible love of his life that he has some sort of affliction where he hears spontaneous jangling things.

However, he gets a set of soupy keys, and for the time being, that's just great.

Morgana, meanwhile, feels like having a little heart-to-heart with Gwen.

"I feel like I've put you in danger without ever stopping to ask how you felt about it," she says.

"It's quite alright. Usually it's me putting you in great amounts of danger, so fair does to you. It give me something to tell the old man about, you know," Gwen shrugs. "Also, it'll look good when we come to the elections. A story you can tell to rally support."

There's a knock on the door, and Merlin enters.

"We're going to get you home," Morgana tells the boy. "Nothing bad'll happen to you, I promise."

Merlin gives her the key, and Gwen wishes her luck.

"Remember, if you're caught, I can have you free in two hours."

"I'll be counting," Morgana mutters.

*****

And so Morgana, in her cunning disguise as Little Red Riding Hood, tries to evade the guards. It'll all going so well until some interferring servant tells the guards that someone with a small child was seen entering the armoury, and then Arthur has to get involved.

Morgana and boy make it down to Merlin and Gwen, before promptly starting an argument on who's going to take the boy.

"I'm the king's ward. I'll take my chances," she declares.

"You've got no stealth skills!" Gwen cries.

"I'd never forgive myself if anything happened to either of you," Morgana says. Gwen and Merlin exchange glances.

"That's a really bad idea to have in your head," he starts, but she's made up her mind. Morgana and boy make a run for it, leaving Merlin and Gwen pacing in the house.

"She's a silly, silly, nobled-up girl," Gwen snaps. "What's with all the bloody chivalry? Can't they just try and be wrong for once?"

Arthur's mob of angry soldiers spots them as they seek refuge in a forge, and the two of them are found out.

"Halt," Arthur says to the back of her head. "Show yourself."

"Arthur Pendragon," she mutters. "Always the daddy's boy, weren't you?"

"Morgs, why?" he asks himself.

"Let him go," she beseeches. "He's just a child."

Uther, Morgana, Uther, Morgana, Uther, Morgana? Arthur thinks.

"Seize them," he orders.

"Stupid twat," she says.

Uther isn't best pleased when he finds out.

"You were keeping the boy in the palace!" he says. "How could you betray me like that?"

"I would not see him executed."

"I have treated you like a daughter and this is how you repay me?"

"I did what I thought was right," she says. "Just because I'm the only person around here who actually does things in the public interest doesn't mean I should face damnation from you!"

"You conspire with my enemies again me?"

"At the rate you're going, I shan't be able to keep human contact because it'll constitute conspiring with your enemies!"

"The druids would have this kingdom returned to anarchy and magic, and you would help them!"

"Then execute me," she says, pulling her compassionate face. "But spare the boy."

"Make arrangements for the boy to be executed tomorrow," Uther tells the silent Arthur.

"You can't just kill everyone who comes near you, you crazed old git!" Morgana shrieks.

"Can't I, by God?!"

"No!"

Uther doesn't like this challenging to his authority. He whips around and clutches at the poor girl's throat.

"Don't speak to me in that tone!" he shouts. "And don't even come near me again until you're ready to apologise." He storms away with Arthur hot on his heels.

"Dickhead," she spits as Arthur passes. "Run away to daddy."

But up in her chambers, she reverts into Weepy!Morgana mode, much to the anguish of Gwen, who can't deal with upset Morgana and Merlin.

"You did your best," Merlin says.

"It wasn't enough though, was it?"

"He's in jail now. There's nothing more we can do."

"I will not let him die," Morgana declares. "Can I count on your help?" Merlin should say no. He should run away and not return. However, he doesn't, and once again, he's going to find himself embroiled in some hairbrained royal scheme to do what's just and right.

Arthur, meanwhile, is trying to pacisfy his father once again.

"Perhaps imprisonment is a more fitting solution," he suggests. "The boy is so young."

"No, I'm going to kill him."

"He hasn't actually done anything."

"I am still going to kill him. It's harsh but nessacary. I take no pleasure in killing him."

Why is it always me who has to pacisfy the mad man? Arthur thinks. Are all kings this bad or was I just really unlucky?

"Then spare him for Morgana's sake," the prince says.

"I will do no such thing!" Uther then proceeds to ramble at length about how he would be killing Morgana but for a promise he made to an old friend. Arthur starts to think to himself that maybe eloping with some peasant girl might not be such a terrible idea after all.

*****

Arthur promptly takes out his mild rage on Morgana, when he finds her in his room.

"Make yourself at home then," he growls.

"You can't let him die," she tells him sternly.

"You're lucky you're not going with him!" ol'princy snaps. "Are you telling me that that druid really was behind the curtain when I came to search your room?"

"You fell for it," she shrugs. "But that's not my point. I know you believe Uther's wrong to be doing this."

"What I believe is immaterial."

"No it isn't," Morgana says. "Everyone's opinion matters."

"Morgs, I tried. He's not backing down."

"The time for talking is over!" she exclaims. "We need action."

"Not everyone lives in Gwen's fairy world of democracy and free love. Some of us have to face facts. It's too late. I don't have a choice."

"Then this is how you will rule when you are king," Morgana says icily. She knows that by saying this, she's got him by the metaphorical balls and is squeezing hard. "You're not your father."

"I'm not going to betray him."

"Please," she says, putting on her weepy, damsel in distress face. "If not for the boy, then for me."

Outside, Camelot's one axe is being sharpened in preparation for tomorrow morning. Merlin doesn't like that one bit.

*****

Merlin skips into Arthur's chambers, only to find Arthur and Morgana deep in some sort of secret discussion.

"Sorry," the warlock says. "Not interrupting anything am I?"

"Nothing you need concern yourself with," Arthur tells him, adopting his aristocratic tone. "Go do something important like muck out my horses."

"I trust Merlin," Morgana tells him. Merlin looks quite heartbroken. He thinks he's interrupted some kind of secret lover's tryst. Arthur gives him a look, and then beckons him in.

"We're going to break the druid boy out of the dungeons," the prince says.

"You can't do that!" he exclaims.

"Uther's going to execute him at dawn," Morgana says. "We have to!"

Oh no, the warlock thinks. These two don't stand a chance in hell of being able to break anyone out of a dungeon. To break someone out of a dungeon, you need speed and stamina and stealth and an army of crazed young men. In effect, you need to be Gwen. Arthur and Morgana just like the romantic idea of breaking someone out of prison. Really, they're clueless.

And when Arthur comes up with the idea of getting Merlin to replace Morgana, in order that she might claim an alibi, the warlock feels like weeping. Here is a prince who has only ever seen the shiny side of the law. He doesn't know how proper law and order works. He's doomed.

"We're taking him out via an secret passage. It comes out just beyond the city walls. Be there with my horse and a grapling hook."

"No, listen-"

"Merlin," Arthur says, enchanting the warlock with his lovely, lovely eyes. "If you're not there to meet us, we'll surely be caught."

Damnit, Merlin thinks. He smells too nice to refuse.

So he goes to visit the dragon, to find out why he is supposed to leave a seven-year-old to die.

"You seek my council and yet you ignore it."

"Alright, now is not the time to get uppity with me," he tells it. "Why am I not supposed to help?"

"It's not your destiny."

"My destiny's supposed to be protect the wanker in red."

"Then you have your answer," the dragon says.

"Are you seriously telling me that little kid's going to kill Arthur?"

To save time and space, I shall just report that the dragon effectively says yes, and that this upsets Merlin.

He's still quite angst that evening, and over supper, he seeks Gaius' advice on what to do. Gaius is, of course, a bit useless.

"I say, do what'll get you the most money. Money isn't like love. It doesn't fade away like the sands on the shore."

Merlin puts the metaphor down to drink and the rest down to Gaius' angry hourding of cash. Neither inspires him greatly.

*****

"I hope you know what you're doing," Gwen chides Morgana as she helps her prepare for her dinner. "I mean, I know this is noble and all but it seems a bit daft."

"It's like there's a bond between us."

"Don't treat me like I'm stupid Morgs," she says flatly.

"I mean it. It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I can't explain it." Morgana sighs. "I must go to Uther."

"Go girl," Gwen says. "And remember. If you get him behind the knee and make it to the door, you can make enough noise to alert me and I can get you out the city in half an hour."

"Cheers," the princess says gloomily. "I'll remember that."

Upon her arrival in Uther's great hall, Morgana proves to us that she's really worth liking. She turns on the tears and makes a solemn apology to him, which he is totally taken in by. He invites her to dine with him, and her alibi is complete.

Arthur, meanwhile, is single handedly taking on the guards of Camelot. He gases them into a peaceful sleep as they play snap, before rushing in and getting the boy out.

They make it to the iron grills, but Merlin isn't there. He's laying in bed, trying to ignore the fact that he may have just doomed his beloved to Uther wrath.

Morgana hears them sound the warning bell, and to her mind, Uther looks pretty wrathful. She hopes Arthur's alright.

The guards start to search the tunnels in which Arthur and the boy are hiding. The prince draws his sword in readiness for some action, and the boy calls out to Merlin. His mind-shouting and emotional blackmail work; the warlock comes running to their rescue.

"If my father asks where I am, tell him I've gone hunting," Arthur says as he makes ready to gallop away.

Goodbye Emrys, the boy says. _I hope some day, we will meet again._

I bloody hope not, Merlin thinks.

Meanwhile, word gets back to Uther that the boy has escaped.

"Find him!" he orders. "And his accomplicies! Kill them!" The guards rush away to do his bidding, leaving him and Morgana alone. She eyes up the distance between her foot and the back of his knee. "If I find out you have had anything to do with this," he tell her, "the consequences will be extremely severe."

What's the worst you can do? Morgana thinks. Lock me up in an enchanted tower? Bring it on.

"My lord, I was here with you," she points out, playing her trump card.

"I made a promise to your father that I would protect you," he snarls. "But you cross me again and I will break that promise without a second thought." Morgana regards him with a dirty look. Give it time, she tells herself. It's only a matter of weeks.

*****

Arthur brings the boy back to the druids, who are rather pleased to have him back, in their own mystical way. As they turn to disappear into the woods, he calls out to the boy.

"Wait," he says. "I don't even know your name." There's a pause, and the boy speaks.

"My name in Mordrid."

"Good luck Mordrid."

With a pouty look, Arthur returns to his horse, leaving all the Merlin fans who know the legend to shout wildly at the television.

They'll meet again, we know. We don't like it though.

**Coming next time…**

Have the dead come back to haunt Camelot? What's with all this dragon angst? And is our favourite blonde prince about to make a step too far?

Yes, the latter is unlikely, but tune in next time to find out anyway.


	10. Chapter 9

I like the idea of dedicating chapters. This one's for the bloke I fell in love with on the bus the other day because he looked a bit like Will Scarlett from Robin Hood. He did have lovely cheekbones. Also, to all the lovely people who have reviewed so far. I realise I haven't actually thanked you wonderful, wonderful people for several chapter, so cheers, cheers, cheers. You people are brilliant.

Chapter 9. In which we discover the dangers of the dead and Arthur gets annoyed that the good people of Camelot just won't let him die.

In a dark, dark crypt, in a dark, dark night, we find that that evil bird, Nimeuh is up to her old tricks again. It appears that she's just enchanted some knight to rise from the dead and do something bad to Uther.

Speak of the devil. Uther himself is in the process of making Arthur a prince.

"I thought he already was a prince," Merlin says. "Isn't that something that happens by birth?"

"Elitist," Gwen shrugs. "This just makes it all official. He caresses a stick, says a few words and gets a crown. Shiny, shiny, shiny and then we all get to drink too much."

Morgana looks a bit upset. Gaius looks bored. Arthur is made prince of Camelot. Everyone claps and prepares to make merry, long into the night.

"He's a sweetheart really," Gwen muses.

"You think so?"

"I know you think so," she grins. "You're so terribly cute when you blush."

"It's a wonder he doesn't know by now!" Merlin says hotly.

"I'm a queen of subtlety."

"Quiet," he says, smiling. "Uther might have you locked up for treason if you say that."

Smash! Through the window of the great hall comes a knight on a horse. There's screaming and jumping from the nobles.

"Someone knows how to make an entrance," Gwen says lightly.

Arthur and his men draw their swords with flourishes and swirling cloaks. Morgana moves in the general direction of Gaius.

"You armed?" Merlin asks faintly. Gwen just gives him a look.

"You know what I think about violence, Em. Of course I'm not armed."

The mysterious knight trots up the hall and drops his armoured glove on the floor in front of the knights.

"What does that mean?" the warlock asks.

"He's asking for a fight," Gwen tells him.

Arthur gives a pouty look and makes to pick up the glove, but he is beaten to it by this Sir Owen.

"Single combat. Tomorrow. Noon. To the death." The knight gallops away.

Gwen and Merlin exchange knowing looks.

"Bloody chivalry," she mutters.

*****

Later that evening, Merlin tries to gain an identity for the knight from Gaius.

"Have you ever seen him before?"

"No."

"Did you see his crest?"

"His crest?" Gaius asks. "What is he, a bird?"

"That thing that tells you what house he belongs to."

"Merlin, my eyes aren't what they used to be."

The warlock suspects Gaius knows exactly who this man is. He might be getting on a bit but the physician's eyes are in perfect working order.

"He's not from around here. What's he doing here?"

"As much as I'm touched by your faith in my all seeing knowledge, that faith is wholly misplaced. If you've finished your work, go to bed and leave me in peace."

"Alright," the warlock sighs. "Gaius?"

"Merlin."

"Do you think Owen can beat him?"

"Well," Gaius shrugs, "a tenner says he can't, but I always bet against the challenger. It's how I play."

Merlin finds himself slightly disillusioned by this talk of a knight of Camelot actually losing something. It's all daft. Knights of Camelot are noble and always victorious, aren't they?

Back in the royal quarter of the castle, Arthur is throwing a tantrum.

"He shouldn't have picked it up!" he fumes.

"Then put a stop to all this," Morgana tells him. She's been infected by what Uther considers as daft feminine views of fighting; that it's silly and a terrible idea.

"I can't. A fight is a fight."

"They fight in his place!"

"I can't!"

"I know it's not my place to say anything," Gwen butts in, "but I think it would be a lot simpler for all involved if we just went back to settling things with naked mud wrestling."

"Owen picked up the gauntlet, he has to fight," Arthur says, ignoring her. "It's the knight's code."

"But it's a fight to the death!" The prince starts to walk away, but stops.

"I know," he says, almost sadly. Morgana looks despairing at her maid.

"Bloody alpha males," Gwen shrugs. "They just can't be told."

*****

Gaius and his friend Geoffrey the librarian have realised that the black knight is in fact some man called Tristan du Bourg [1]. Something's obviously wrong, because they appear to toss a coin over who tells Uther.

Gaius loses.

Uther is sitting up in his eerie hall, armed with just a sword and some dim lighting when Gaius enters. We quickly find out why the king's so tense, and why they had to toss a coin to decide who'd tell him what he already knows; this Tristan bloke has been dead for twenty year.

Uther knows that. He killed him. This doesn't mean that he's going to accept that this man has returned from the dead, to get him back. He orders Gaius to find some rational explanation for all of this.

I don't know why he bothers. Uther should just go ahead and blame magic; it would save us about ten minutes of the episode.

The following day, Owen has to fight the knight. Arthur tries to explain to Owen that mortal combat is different to training. In mortal combat, the emphasis is on the mortal. It is very easy to die.

"You've never seen him fight," Arthur warns. "You've got to get the measure of him quickly."

"I've got the same advantage though," Owen says. "He's never seen me fight. You have. What do you think?"

Arthur has to make a choice. Either he can ruin this lad's self esteem and send him out to die, or he can cheer him up before the inevitable happens.

"I think you're marvellous," he says. "Remember. All it takes to kill a man is one well aimed blow." Merlin, who has been helping to dress Owen, thinks this to be a bit creepy. There's a knock on the door, and Gwen barges in, all smiles.

"The Lady Morgana wishes you luck and sends you this token," she says, holding out what looks to be a red hankie.

"You can thank her," Owen says. "And you can tell her that I will wear it with pride, but I don't need luck."

No, Merlin thinks, catching the look on Arthur's face. You'll need a sodding miracle.

*****

Ominous sad music plays as Owen enters the arena. Merlin looks quite worried, Gwen looks a bit chilly, Arthur looks brooding and handsome and Morgana looks like someone who has place quite a bit on money on this fight.

"The fight shall be to the knight's rules," the prince declares. "To the death."

"This has always been a terrible idea," Morgana says sullenly, remembering her pacifist stance.

"If I had nadgers, they'd be blue by now," her maid grumbles.

The battle commences. Owen doesn't really stand a chance. He just weaves and looks a bit pathetic as the knight smacks him again and again with his whacking great sword.

"Come on Owen," Morgana says. "I've got sixty on you!"

They fight a bit more, and Owen makes what should be a killer blow. He stabs the knight in the stomach but nothing happens.

Quick as a flash, the knight has him on his back and stabs him in the chest, and that is the end of poor, foolish Sir Owen.

The mysterious knight throws down his gautlet once again. Arthur makes to leap over the stalls towards him, but Uther stops him and it's Sir Pellinore who takes up the challenge. Arthur's furious as he watches the mysterious knight stroll away to wherever he goes. This should be his fight!

"Should we attend to him?" Merlin asks.

"Why?" Gaius shrugs. "Owen didn't land a blow."

"No, I definitely saw his sword pierce the armour."

"He should be dead," Merlin says, astounded.

"Maybe," the physician says, piecing together what we already know, "he already is." The two of them exchange glances. More evil magic in Camelot? Surely not!

*****

Arthur is incessantly angry at him father for deigning him his fight.

"You've got to give the other knights a chance," Uther says briskly.

"You've seen how that knight fights!"

"And Sir Pellinore is more than a match for him."

"He has not yet recovered from that nasty cough! He's still weak."

"It was his choice to pick up that gauntlet," Uther says. "I am not to blame."

"So you send him to his death?!" Arthur snaps, using too much punctuation for his own good. Uther isn't listening though; he has the uncanny knack of being able to stride away and to ignore whatever anyone else is saying.

Merlin and Gaius, on the other hand, are sneaking around crypts like characters from Ye Olde Scooby Doo. They find the empty tomb of Tristan du Bourg. Alarm bells start to ring in the head of the physician, and he decides to tell Merlin the whole story.

Apparently, this Tristan fellow the brother Uther's wife Igrayne, and when she died giving birth to Arthur, blamed Uther. He challenged the king to single combat, which, obviously, Uther won, but with his dying breath, Tristan swore to return and reek havoc and the like.

"I thought it was just the rambling of an angry dying man, but obviously I was wrong," Gaius says, rooting through a book.

"The dead don't just rise up again, no matter how angry they are," Merlin points out.

"It's my guess that we're dealing with a wraith," the physician tells him.

"A wraith?"

"The spirit of a dead man, conjured from the grave."

"So this is the work of a sourcerer?"

"Don't tell me you didn't think that already," Gaius says. "It always is. A powerful magician could harness the angst of a dead soul and use it to create an angry spirit, like we have here."

"So how do we stop it?" Merlin asks, preparing to jump into action.

"We don't. Because it isn't alive, no mortal weapon can kill it. We have to wait until it's got what it came for."

"And what's that?" the warlock asks.

"Revenge."

"What does that mean to Sir Pellinore?"

"To put it bluntly," Gaius says. "He's doomed."

*****

Sadly, Gaius is right, and though Pellinore seems like a smashing chap, he too is cut down in his prime by this evil, vengeful knight. However, he doesn't go down without delivering a stab wound that both Morgana and Gwen see with their own eyes.

The crowd seems mightily disappointed, but at that moment, our favourite prince throws down the gauntlet and challenges the knight to a duel.

"What the fuck's he doing?" Gwen hisses. Uther, Morgana and Merlin all appear to be thinking the same thing.

Back in the castle, Uther tries to shout at Arthur until he sees reason, but this doesn't work.

"I'll revoke the challenge," the king says.

"No," Arthur tells him stubbonly. "The knight's code must be upheld. That's what you taught me. The code cannot be laid down-"

"You are crown prince!"

"There cannot be one rule for me and one for all the rest."

"Yes there can!" Uther says. "I'm king and you're my son and what I say goes. I forbid you to fight!"

"You want me to prove myself to be a good future king. How am I supposed to do that if the people think me a coward."

"Do it by kissing babies and condemning magic! This will be your death."

"I'm sorry you have so little faith in me, father," Arthur says, pouting. Uther wants to shout that he will die, not because he's an incompitent fighter, but because there's evil magic at work, and that it's all his fault. However, he's king, so he can't.

*****

"You were right," Merlin exclaims pacing all over the physician's floor.

"I wish I wasn't," Gaius grumbles.

"If Arthur fights that thing he'll die."

"If I had a shekal for the amount of times you've said that, I'd be a rich man, Merlin," Gaius says. "He is Camelot's strongest warrior."

"You said it yourself, it cannot be killed by any mortal weapons."

"And how do you propose to do that?" he asks, wary of Merlin's ideas on saving the day.

"If he can't do it, we shall have to find a way of defeating the wraith ourselves." The warlock retrieves a book from his room.

"I realise you like the lad," Gaius says, "but this is really too dangerous."

"I'm going to find him an immortal weapon!"

Gaius finds himself praying that one day, Merlin will see sense and become as cynical as everyone else in Camelot.

Being the practical man that he is, the physician goes to see Uther to tell him of his discovery in Tristan's tomb. He mentions something about telling Arthur the truth about his birth. The truth? We cry. What is this truth? Was Arthur found in a swamp? Is he the illegitimate lovechild of Gaius and some swamp monster?

"You made an oath," Uther warns. "I'd advise you not to break it." Gaius gives him a cold look.

"Very well," he shrugs, and leaves. It's as he suspected. The king isn't one to see reason before it's too late.

Merlin has taken events into his own hands. He has concocted some sort of plan to get rid of this Tristan bloke by magical fire. This is a poor plan. It fails to work, and Merlin runs away.

Right to the chambers of his love and employer, Prince Pendragon, who is practising his fighting. He too obviously considers himself a dead man walking because he's become rather charming.

"You remembered that conversation we had about knocking then?" he says as Merlin crashes through the doors into his rooms.

"You have to pull out," Merlin says.

"Why does everyone think that?" Arthur chuckles.

"Because they're right! Just pull out. No one will mind. You're the crown prince. They don't want you to die."

"I don't want my people to think me a coward," Arthur says.

"Your father has set up a system of governing where it doesn't matter what the people think!" Think, Merlin think! He tells himself. "I've seen you overcome every fear you've ever faced."

"It's required of me."

"You've proved your courage already. Prove your wisdom."

"I'm not backing down."

Merlin wants to hit the prince. It's these moments of thick-headedness when he wanders whether Arthur's really a kind, chivolrous soul, or whether he's just putting it on for show, and really he's just a yob with a crown.

Arthur doesn't want to heed Merlin's warnings. He wants to be stubborn and foolish. The warlock leaves him to it.

*****

Meanwhile, Uther has another visiter, but this time it's not Gaius. It's Nimueh.

"Oh, this is even better than I had hoped for," she says.

"Have you not tired of revenge?" he croons.

"Haven't you? You began this war when you threw me from the court and slaughtered all of my kind," Nimeuh says.

"You brought it on yourselves," the king counters. "You practised evil."

"I was your friend, Uther," she reminds him. "You welcomed me here."

"You betrayed me!"

"You think everyone's betrayed you," she says crossly. "There isn't a person alive who hasn't been accused of treason and malice by Uther Pendragon! I did as you asked. I used the magic you so despise to give your barren wife the son you craved."

So this is the truth! We shout. Arthur was born of magic? It does explain the dashing good looks, but surely magic could have created a creature that was less of an arse.

"Don't ever speak of her in that way," Uther says sadly. "She was my heart, my soul. You took her from me."

Uther's hate of magic stems from it taking away his wife? Surely not. Surely the plot of Merlin could not be this predictable. No, wait.

"She died giving birth to your son," Nimeuh says. "It was not my choice. That is the law of magic. To create a life there had to be a death, the balance of the world had to be restored."

Surely, we think, magic can't operate on the same principles as Chance card in Monopoly.

"You knew it would kill her."

"No, you're wrong. If I had forseen her death and the terrible retribution you would seek, I would never have granted your wish." For a moment, we almost side with this evil sourceress.

"I wish you had."

"You wish you'd never had a son?" She smiled, and we feel the natural order of disliking her restore itself. "Well, that wish will come true tomorrow."

"I won't let you take him from me."

"I have watched so many people I love die at your hands, Uther Pendragon," she says dramactically. "Now it is your turn." He looks again and she is gone. Damn this clever magical women with their disappearing skills, he thinks.

Merlin is trying once again to formulate a plan to save Arthur by raiding the library at a daft hour of the night.

"What are you doing here?" Geoffary the librarian asks.

"Door was open."

"No it wasn't. I locked it."

"Someone must have unlocked it then." Distract him with talk of books, Merlin thinks. And don't look him in the eye. "I'm looking for a book for Gaius. He thinks the black knight is a wraith."

"Well bugger me, Arthur is in grave peril," Geoffary says in his emotionless tones.

"Which is why I am here. I need to find out how to kill something that is already dead." Geoffary rattles out some stories about ancient swords that can kill the dead. Merlin is intreiged. He had thought this was going to be more difficult. "Can you show me one of these stories?" he asks.

"Probably." He plods toward the book shelves and peers through many, many pieces of paper.

"I'm sort of in a hurry," Merlin says feebly.

"Oh, you young people always are." Eventally, they come across the story of a knight who had a sword 'begotten in the dragon's breath.' This gives Merlin an idea. He might not be a knight of old, but he's got a bloody massive dragon.

And for reasons known only to the gods of irony, he arrives on Gwen's doorstep.

"I've come to ask for a favour."

"What kind of favour?" she asks.

"I'm not really sure how to ask."

"Well come in, I'm making soup."

"I want the strongest sword your father's ever made," he says.

"What for?"

"To save Arthur." Gwen gives him a look.

"Alright, you old romantic. Come this way."

*****

It appears the more people that try to stop Arthur from fighting, the more determind he becomes. Morgana tries the 'weepy damsel' card, but that fails too.

"It's my duty," he tells her.

No it's not, she thinks. This is a death wish. But never the less, she tells him she understands. At least she can knock him out, should it come to it.

Someone else has had that idea too. Uther visits Gaius, to apologise for shouting earlier and to tell him he was right.

"I usually am," Gaius says quietly.

"I cannot let Arthur die," Uther says, demostrating uncharactistic emotion.

"Then stop the fight."

"No, I will take his place."

What is this, national daft ideas week? Gaius thinks.

"Do you know what you're saying?" he says.

"Igrayne gave up her life for him, so must I."

Gaius changes him mind. This week is obviously Camelot's death wish week.

"I have no choice," Uther continues dramatically. "My death will stop the wraith and Arthur will live. It will mean that you will be the only person left to know the truth of Arthur's birth." Apart from Nimueh, Gaius thinks. "I want you to swear you'll never tell him." The physician looks pained, then sighs.

"I'll keep it."

"You've always been a good friend," Uther says. "Despite my temper." No I haven't, Gaius thinks. I've been defrauding your tax system for fifteen years. "I have one other favour to ask," the king says.

Meanwhile, Gwen is helping Merlin save his beloved in her own way.

"Tommy's been saving this one," she says, pulling something out of a pile of red cloth. "He's always said it was the best sword he's ever made. He was saving it for his retirement fund."

"It's perfect," Merlin says. He doesn't know a thing about swords but it sounds like an appropriate thing to say.

"He'll kill me when he finds out I've taken it."

"He'll understand."

"No he won't," she laughs. "I'll have given it to a prince. That's against everything he stands for."

"Everyone loves Arthur though."

"No, Merlin," Gwen says. "You love Arthur. That's why I'm doing this."

And so Merlin makes his way down to the dragon, to get the sword ready for the fight.

"Breathe on it," he tells the dragon, who for some reason, is acting a bit stand-offish. "For Arthur."

"The dead do not return without reason," the dragon says. "Who's he come for?"

"Uther."

"Let him die. I don't care about him."

"But Arthur's going to fight him!" Merlin says. "If Arthur dies, I'll have no destiny and magic can never return to Camelot."

This seems to convince the dragon, but it still feels like it should deliver a warning on the strength of the sword.

"A weapon forged with my assistance will have great power," it says.

"I know."

"No you don't. You can only guess."

"Bloody get on with it," Merlin says.

"In the wrong hands, this sword could do great evil. It must be wielded by Arthur and Arthur alone."

"Alright, only Arthur will wield your sword."

The dragon giggles at Ye Olde Innuendo, coughs, and spits fire and flame all over the blade. Merlin watches as it become all magical and special.

"Heed my words," the dragon says. "The sword was forged for Arthur, and for him alone."

*****

Arthur's not going to fight though, not if Uther can help it. He gets Gaius drug his son and lock him in his room.

It's Uther who appears in the armoury first thing the following morning, much to Merlin's surprise, and Uther who wants to take the magical sword out onto the fighting pitch, much to his protest.

"You show the most extraordinary loyalty," Uther tells him.

Crucified Christ, Merlin thinks, Gwen hasn't told you too.

"It's my job," he says feebly.

"It's beyond the line of duty."

"Er, well…" Merlin has not formulated response to these words, so tries to run away. "You know. Arthur just has this effect on people."

"I'm glad," the king says warmly. "Take care of him."

Please be dead man talking words, the warlock thinks. Please don't just be creepy Uther words.

It's much to the surprise of Camelot that Uther appears.

"What the hell's he playing at?" Gwen mutters. She and Gaius exchange glances. He might be a fraudulent git but he's cool, and she wonders if he knows what's going on.

Obviously he does, because he tries to shrug her off.

"You can have what you came for," Uther tells wraithy-Tristan. "The father, not the son."

"Oh dear," Morgana says darkly.

And with handsome, drowsy Arthur still asleep in his bed, the fight begins.

"He's nobler than I had him down for," Gwen says admirably. "It's a shame really. I didn't want a fight."

"Yes, what happens if it goes tits up for Uther?" Morgana asks.

"We continue as planned."

Arthur, meanwhile, has awoken to the sounds of clashing swords. The fighting's getting more intense, with dramactic, cresendoing music and lots of slow motion jumping. The prince rattles at his door that Gaius has so cleverly locked, and Merlin watches the fight with anguish.

"This is incredibly violent," Morgana says, leaning away from the arena. "Jesus Christ!" Uther has unmasked his opponant and we can all see that underneath the helmet, Tristan is actually this sallow creature with no eyes.

Nimueh's turned up to watch the fight now; we must be drawing to some kind of conclusion.

Having disarmed Uther, Tristan promptly gets his sword stuck in the king's shield. This gives Uther enough time to get his sword back and plunge it into the wraith.

Tristan goes up, literally, like a kettle, and spontaneously combusts right there in the arena.

"Shit," Gwen chuckles. "Did that actually just happen?"

Nimeuh storms off in anger, leaving Uther to be cheered by his people and Merlin to wonder how he's going to explain this to the dragon.

*****

"I thought you said a wraith couldn't be killed," Uther says to Gaius later.

"Yes, well." The physician tries to distract the king. He suspects Merlin has had a hand in all this, and the boy doesn't deserve trouble, at least not now. "Is that a new sword?"

"Indeed. It's the best I've ever handled. I was intruiged by the markings."

"Mm," Gaius says. "On one side it says 'pick me up' and on the other, 'cast me away.'"

"What does that mean?"

"Bugger all to me, sire. It's probably some new fangled sword design. Who made it?"

"Merlin gave it me," Uther says. "It was forged for Arthur."

I knew it, Gaius thinks darkly.

Enter the tired and slightly stroppy Arthur. The physician makes a swift exit.

"You had Gaius drug me," Arthur snaps.

"It's not the first time," Uther shrugs. "This one time, when you were really naughty-"

"It was my fight. The knight's code-"

"To fucksy with the knight's code," he shrugs. "I thought you were going to die, and that was a risk I could not take. You mean more to me than this entire kingdom and certainly more than my life."

"But, but," Arthur says, suddenly rather overcome by this paternal outburst. "I always thought I was a bit of a disappointment."

"Oh, you might be a bit dim but you've got Morgana to be clever and theoretical for you," the king says cheerfully. "I think you're wonderful Arthur."

"Er," he says. "I heard you fought pretty well."

"Yes, well," Uther says modestly.

"You should drop by training some time. We could sort out your footwork." [2]

"I'll give you footwork," he chuckles, chasing Arthur away with his fancy feet.

Later that night, Gaius confronts Merlin about the fact that he's given Uther a dangerously magical sword. Really, he's rather proud of the boy, but he's not going to let him know yet. Best to let him stew for a while.

The dragon's more than a bit livid at him though, for giving an enchanted sword to the enemy of all this bright and magical, and calls him down to explain himself.

"You have no idea of this sword's power!" it cries. "In the hands of Uther, it can do only evil!"

"Alright, I'll get it back," Merlin promises. Really, he can't see what bad Uther can do. He might go a bit mad with power sometimes, but mostly he's under a rein.

"You have betrayed me," the dragon declares. "You are not ready to be trusted." This hurt the young warlock. He can't help the fact that he's a bit wet.

"I'll get it back," he says earnestly. "You can destroy it."

"What is made cannot be unmade."

"Oh, what do you want me to do?" he asks.

"Take the sword far, far away, and place it somewhere that no mortal man will ever find it."

So Merlin takes it to the place some of us recognise as being that Avalon lake, and casts it into the water. Gwen won't be best pleased, but she'll have to live with it.

And though no naked bird with nice arms jumps out to catch it, the genunine Knights of the Round Table lovers will know that this is all to come…

**Coming soon…**

Is there to be yet more of this anti-oppression nonsense? Are Morgs and Gwen actually going to fight? And is this the episode which we watched entirely for the homoerotic undertones and that scene with the foot?

Tune in next time, to my favourite episode in the series, to find out…

[1] Whose name I shall promptly spell incorrectly for the rest of this chapter.

[2] Sorry, but the look Athur had on his face at this moment in the episode was just pure sex. I spent a good five minutes rewinding the scene on the iPlayer, just to see it again.


	11. Chapter 10

Sorry for being so slow in updating. I have been wallowing in my own self pity with a cold for the past week or so but now I am at home for the Christmas holidays, with nothing but books on Soviet Russia and mugs of pink tea to occupy my time. Time for some Merlin, methinks? Unless they take it off the iPlayer, in which case I shall weep.

**Warning. This chapter contains cow tipping. **It's a rural tradition. Look upon it as you see morris dancing. Some people see that as grossly inhumane too.

Okay, bovine abuse isn't cool. Don't try this at home. Not even if you own the cow and you get quite drunk and it seems like a good idea. It's not. I know people who've been cow tipping. You don't want to be associated with people who call you "m'lover" and have hair like Boris Johnson.

Chapter 10. In which we are treated to a bit of a holiday and I abandon the plot in favour of demonstrating some of the past times of Southern England.

See the calm, idyllic surroundings of this village? See how the children play and the women natter and the men do a hard day's work, to return to their warm homes at night?

It's suddenly filled with grisly barbarians, armed with weapons that won't be invented for another two hundred years or so. They tear the place apart, looking for some man with apples.

"It's harvest time," the barbarian's ringleader says. Oh dear, we think. That sounds ominous. Are the words 'pay,' 'pounds' and 'human flesh' coming next? His henchmen take two bags of what appears to be grain off the man.

"We only kept back what we need to survive!" he says.

"Survive?" Generic villainous barbarian laughs. "I'll be back in a week's time, and I want it all." At this point, a daft, seemingly brave woman steps forward and shrieks at him.

"You won't be taking any of it! You would let our children starve?"

Barbarian man slaps her, and she falls to the floor. What happened to all these notions of chivalry? He then shoots some villager with a crossbow he shouldn't technically have and then rides away, snarling various evil threats.

We then cut to Camelot market, where Merlin is lurking without any real intent. He spots a woman he knows trudging through the streets.

"Mother?"

"Merlin!" she cries. Our favourite warlock sees her black eye and demands to know what's going on.

It seems that Arthur's daft romantic notions of saving the world are contagious.

*****

Merlin's mother makes an emotive plea to Uther, who obviously take no action. We can be pleased about this though. As he explains, sending troops into someone else's kingdom is a bit of a diplomatic incident. Also, if he did that, Merlin wouldn't be able to be the heroic prat he wants to be.

Of course, when Ether puts his mother's request for assistance in fighting away the barbarians down, Merlin gets quite cross. Who can blame him? No one would be terribly pleased if the ruler you're supposed to respect denies you protection for your home.

He's not the only one to be disappointed by the decision.

"I'm sorry," Arthur tells him as they stand on the battlements. "If it were up to me, we'd be on our way there now."

"You did your best," Merlin says kindly. "You got us an audience with the king, so thank you."

"I wish Camelot was able to help people, regardless of how far away they lived."

And for that reason, the warlock thinks, you'll make a smashing king.

"I'm going back home," he tells the prince.

"Of course." It's now or never. Merlin could confess his undying love and make it out alive. Will he do it? Will he?

"It's been a honour serving you." No, is the short answer.

"You'll be coming back," Arthur says, surprised.

"She's my mother. I've got to look after her, before anyone else." Even you, with your gorgeous princely face, he thinks sadly. "You understand?"

"I'd do exactly the same," Arthur tells him, gazing over Camelot with an almost poetic air. "Well, you've been terrible." This makes Merlin smile. There's nothing like being airily put down by the man you love. "I mean it. You're the worst servant I've ever had."

"Well, cheers," he says brightly. It's time to make a dignified exit. Time to stroll across the castle walls, and back to whence he came.

"Merlin," Arthur calls out. What he wants to hear is 'we'll always have Camelot,' or some sort of awful play on lines from Ye Olde Casablanca, but the warlock doesn't get his wish. "Good luck."

It's not much, but it's enough.

*****

Gwen helps Merlin to pack. On account of his mother being busy, she feels like he needs a guiding female presence to ensure he doesn't forget something stupid socks or a weapon.

"How does this one feel?" she says, holding out a great monster of a sword.

"It's-"

"Don't hold it like that, cretin. Like this."

"Yes," he says, swishing it around. "It feels good. It's shiny."

"Good," she tells him in exasperated tones. "I've packed you some armour too."

"I won't be able to carry all that," Merlin says.

"You won't have to." Enter Morgana, all dressed up in her fashionable fighting clothes. She's even got a lovely shiny necklace to go with it. "We're coming with you."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Frankly you're a shite fighter and you need all the help you can get," Gwen tells him. "Morgs can fight just as well as a knight, and I can mend things and I'm really good at fighting on urban terrain, which is something I'm guessing Arthur doesn't teach."

"You can't do this," Merlin blusters. "I mean, why?"

"If it were one of us, you'd help," Gwen says kindly. "We're just returning the metaphorical favour."

Gaius is doing his bit too, by staying in Camelot and providing food.

"Take care of the wine," he tells the warlock. "I know what you're like. One swig of that and you're over like a pansy."

"Not true," he protests, but in vain.

"And don't let Gwen spike it. Keep an eye on Morgana too. Are you sure you don't want an extra blanket?"

"I'll be fine," Merlin says.

"Make sure you are. I don't want you coming home with missing fingers." He thinks for a moment. "Actually, forget that. I can work with no fingers boy. Come back alive. There's bugger all wrong with running away. Remember that. Cheerful cowardice has saved my arse many, many times."

Merlin gives him an affectionate pat on the arm but Gaius, who has seen many a young man like Merlin disappear in a fight, pulls him into a hug. You can't be too careful.

*****

"They shouldn't't be here," Merlin's mother says as she and her son sit up at the camp fire that night, watching over Gwen and Morgana.

"Oh, I don't know. I've fought beside Gwen before and she's actually quite lethal."

"I was thinking more about that Lady Morgana. Isn't she the king's ward?"

"That would never stop a girl like her," he says cheerfully. "She's the only person I know who isn't afraid of him, and still has leave of most of their senses."

"It won't make any difference to Kanan whether they're women or not," his mother says.

"I know. But thinking he's a chauvinistic wanker might encourage them. They're into that sort of thing.[1] I'm going to make him pay for what he did to you," he says, looking at the bruise under her eye.

"You've got to be careful though," she tells him. "No one can find out about you."

"They won't. They never do."

His mother knows that Merlin couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper bag, and so she worries and does the only thing a mother really can do. She tells him to get some rest.

He doesn't though. The warlock lies awake, tossing and turning, until he hears a cracking noise in the woods behind them. It doesn't occur to him to wake someone who can actually fight and so he staggers into the dark with his sword.

He feels a knife pressed up against his back.

"I'd ask you for money," a suspiciously posh, familiar voice says. "But I know you haven't got any."

"Arthur! Shitting hell, you gave me a fright!"

"Put the sword down Merlin, before you hurt yourself. And I wasn't aware that cussing in front of royals was allowed."

It's dark, it's cold and they're not in Camelot. Merlin can be blissfully blasé and ever so slightly witty.

"You don't mind when Gwen does it," he points out.

"Gwen is a necessary evil. Have you got any food?"

The two of them sit and talk strategy by the fire. Kanan looks like he outnumbers the village by a lot, and the appearance of two royals, a warlock and a woman with scary hair doesn't look like enough to put him off slaughtering the village to teach them a lesson.

"You should get some rest," Arthur says. "It's going to be a long day tomorrow."

"Cheers, by the way," Merlin says happily. "I know you didn't have to come."

"Get some sleep." Some things don't change. Arthur still dislikes the idea he might be doing this because he cares for his servant.

Back in Merlin's village, Kanan's men are ransacking it, looking for the food they have kept back. They find the food and prepare to take it when their re-enforcement from Camelot arrive. The sight of a gallant blonde prince arriving in the village is enough to confuse Kanan, just for the moment.

"Kill them!" he orders, as Arthur knocks one barbarian out with a well aimed blow to the back of the head. One runs straight at Merlin, who engages him in combat with swords. Fighting someone twice his size, the warlock adopts dirty tactics, making his opponent's sword so hot he drops it.

One man goes flying at Arthur, but is battered out the way with a well aimed shoulder slam and a slash of Morgana's sword.

"Remember when I used to beat you?" she gloats, running to catch some more of the action.

"That never happened!"

"You'll pay for this, with your life!" Kanan declares, getting up onto his horse. "All of you!"

"Still up to the same old tricks, Merlin," a boy says, sidling up in the best tradition. "I thought we said we didn't want your kind around here."

"I missed you too Will." They jump into vaguely heterosexual man-hug.

"Where've you been? Last I heard you were skivving for some prince," Will says.

"Well, about that-"

"Merlin," Arthur calls, "gather the villagers, I need to talk to them."

"In a minute, I'm just-"

"Now, Merlin." Will look unimpressed.

"It's alright," Merlin says. "I balance it out."

Arthur stands on a well and prepares to rally his troops. However, when the average age of your troops is forty-one, and that's brought down by the odd number of children under the age of twelve, things don't look good.

"I know Kanan's kind," he says. "He'll be back and when he is, we must be ready for him. First of all we have to prepare-"

"Am I the only one wonder who the hell you are?" Will asks. Arthur's quite taken aback by this. He doesn't get heckled at home.

"I'm Prince Arthur of Camelot."

"Er, yes mate. And I'm Prince William of Ieldor [2]."

"Shur'rup you," Merlin mother says. "He's actually a prince, and he's here to help us."

"He's made things worse. Kanan'll be back and he'll kill us all." This isn't going as smoothly as Merlin had wanted. "You've just signed our death warrant."

"He save Mathew's life," Merlin's mother says, sticking up for the prince.

"It's alright," Arthur says. "It's his village. What would you have us do?"

"We can't fight against Kanan. He has too many men."

"So what's the alternative?" Will feels like he's being played as the fool.

"Give him what he wants," he says quietly. The village bursts into muttering of dissent at this idea.

"Then what?" Arthur calls out. "Those of you that don't starve to death will face him again next harvest. And the harvest after that. The only way he can be stopped is if you stand up to him."

"No!" Will says crossly. "You just want the honour and glory of battle. That's what drives men like you."

"That, and sexual prowess!" Gwen calls out cheerfully.

"Look, if you want to fight, go home and risk the lives of your own people, not ours," Will says. He strides off. Merlin follows, in an attempt to pacify him.

"I'll follow you," Merlin mother says. "If I'm to die, then I want to go out fighting." Growls of assent appear from all the villagers and Arthur gives them his princely look. It's good to be back in control again.

*****

Will seeks solace in the company of chickens, as Merlin tries to persuade him to follow Arthur.

"He knows what he's doing, you've just got to trust him," he says. "When I first met Arthur, I was exactly like you. I thought he was a complete knob with no respect for anyone." And then I saw he was lovely, abided anarchists and was absolutely gorgeous, he thinks.

"Well, nothing's changed there," Will snaps.

"But then I came to respect him for what he stands for and what he does."

"I know what he stands for. Princes, kings, all men like him."

"You'd be surprised," Merlin says earnestly. "He stands up for Morgana what she has her crazy moments, and he's never once said a bad word against Gwen, not a really bad word, and that's hard. Will, don't bring what happened to your father into this."

"I'm not!" he snaps, but we can blatantly see that whatever happened to his father has great bearing on Will's opinion of Arthur. "Why are you defending him so much? You're just his servant."

"He's also my friend."

"Friends don't lord it over one and other."

"He isn't like that," Merlin says.

"Let's just see, when the fighting starts, see who he sends in to die first." Merlin thinks Will's got the psychology of Arthur all wrong. His princely, honourable type burst in ahead of the troops, waving swords. Arthur's type are the knights and fighters that have to be restrained.

"I trust Arthur with my life," he says.

"Is that so? So he knows your secret then?"

"Well, to be honest, he hasn't asked yet-"

"Face it Merlin," Will says. "You're living a lie, just like you were here. You're Arthur's servant, nothing more, otherwise you'd tell him the truth."

Sometimes, village boys can be so cruel.

*****

That night, from their position in sleeping bags behind the curtains in some long house, Morgana and Gwen observe their men conversing.

"I've never slept on the floor before," Arthur says.

"Rich kid," Merlin chuckles. "Camelot beds are a luxury in comparison."

"It must have been hard."

"Well, yes, it's a rock."

"I didn't mean that," Arthur says. "I meant, for you, it must have been difficult."

"Not really. Hard floors are good for the back, and all that jazz. You don't know any different. Life's simple out here. As long as there's food and a roof, you're happy."

"Sounds… nice."

"We're all on the same level. You'd hate it."

"I'm sure I would," Arthur says mildly. "Why'd you leave?"

"Things changed," Merlin says carefully.

"How?" He pokes Merlin's face with his foot.

"Did – what was that?" Gwen giggles.

"I think that was Arthur groping Merlin features with his toes."

The anarchist breaks into giggles which she tries to muffle in her blanket.

"Stop pretending to be interesting," Arthur says. "Tell me."

"I just didn't fit in anymore," the warlock shrugs. "I wanted to find somewhere where I did."

"Had any luck with the freedom fighters?" the prince laughs. "I don't blame you for moving on. I mean, what is there to do around here?"

"Cow tipping."

"What?!"

"If you're going cow tipping, can I come?" Gwen calls.

And so it comes to pass that Merlin, secret warlock and wanabee lover of the crown prince of Camelot, leads said prince of Camelot, an anarchist and a king's ward out into a moonlit field to demonstrate the noble art of cow tipping.

"What you have to do," he says, "is find a sleeping cow."

"What the fuck have I just trodden in?" Arthur curses.

"I think I can see one," Morgana whispers.

"Why are you whispering?" the prince asks. "Cows can't hear anything."

"Who told you that?" Merlin says.

"Gaius."

"Yes, but I'm guessing this is the same Gaius who says dogs can't look up," Gwen says quietly.

"Can dogs look up?"

"Sodding yes!" Merlin snaps. "Are we going to do this or not?"

"Find us a cow and I'll tip it," Arthur declares.

"You don't know how to tip a cow, and you certainly can't do it on your own," Gwen says. "There!" Like a mythical creature in the centre of a stone circle, the four of them surround the cow.

"I'm having second thoughts," Morgana says. "What if it hurts the cow? I mean, surely it doesn't like being tipped!"

"You can't bottle out now," Arthur says.

"I can!"

"Bloody women," he sighs.

"I'm not doing anything that'll upset Morgs," Gwen says.

"We can't tip a cow with two of us," Merlin says.

"Oh Morgs," Arthur wails. "I only wanted this. It's not asking much. It's just a cow!"

"I care very much for cows!"

"Shh!" Gwen says. "Look!" The four of the watch in silence as a grumpy, sleepy cow wakes, snorts and shuffles a little further up the field, leaving the four of them in stunned silence.

"Cow can hear after all," Arthur says in awe.

"Please tell me, crown prince of Camelot, that you knew that," Morgana says. There's a pregnant pause. "You know, Arthur, I fear for the day you come into power."

"Shut up Morgs." There's another pause as they stand there, under the moonlit sky. "Does that mean dogs can see up?"

Merlin hopes that the girls' laughter can't be heard down in the village below.

*****

"Still haven't learnt how to dress yourself?" Morgana teases as Merlin helps Arthur into his jacket.

"Why fetch the stick when you've got a dog to do it for you? No offence Merlin."

"None taken."

"Prince Arthur, you didn't finish your breakfast," Merlin's mother says, waving a bowl of porridge at him.

"Didn't I?"

"Come on now, Artie," Morgana smiles. "Eat up." He waits until she's gone before throwing the bowl to Gwen, who will eat anything, but gives the prince a dirty look as he bustles out with Morgana, looking busy.

"Arthur said it was lovely," she says, handing back the bowl to Merlin's mother. "You don't have to feed him, you know. He can be lovely, but he's a right tossbag sometimes."

"He must care for you a great deal," she says to Merlin once Gwen has left.

"He'd do the same for any village. Ignore Gwen. It's the way he is."

"It's more than that. He's here for you."

I bloody hope not, Merlin thinks. And so would you, if you could read minds. I bet you still think I'm going to give you grandchildren.

"I'm just his servant," he says mildly.

"Give him more credit than that, he likes you."

"That's because he doesn't know me," Merlin says sadly. "If he did I'd probably be dead by now."

"You don't really believe that do you?"

No, the warlock thinks. No I don't. I haven't yet mastered the ability to read minds yet, though, so I'm not planning on finding out any time soon.

Merlin heads out to get some wood for Arthur, where upon he meets Will.

"We both know that you don't need an axe to fell a tree," Will reminds him.

"And we both know the shit it got me into."

"Someone's got some townie language on them now," he tease. "Next thing you know you'll have a Camelot accent." There's a pregnant pause.

"Why are you being like this?" Merlin asks.

"You know why," Will tells him. "Why did you leave?"

"It wasn't what I wanted. My mother was worried. When she found out you knew, she was so angry."

"I wouldn't have told anyone."

"I know that."

"You'd be able to defeat Kanan on your own," Will says. Merlin looks a bit daunted by this.

"Maybe."

"So what's stopping you? So what if Arthur finds out?"

"I don't expect you to understand," Merlin snaps. And it's not like Will would understand. He's never fancied a prince. "One day, Arthur'll be a great king but he needs my help. If anyone ever found out about my powers, I'd have to leave Camelot for good."

"Are you saying you'd rather keep your magic a secret for Arthur's sake than use it to protect your friends and family?"

Really, that's not a nice thing to ask a sensitive lad like Merlin. Sensitive lads don't react well to dilemma.

Arthur, meanwhile, has taken it upon himself to teach the men how to fight while Gwen teaches Morgana how to make weapons.

"I mean, anything can be used as an offensive missile if one puts one's mind to it," she says. "But not many people would know how to take a man out with three coins and a piece of string."

"They're never going to be able to hold Kanan off," Morgana says.

"Well, they're not the only ones who can fight."

The two of them confront Arthur on this.

"You need the women to help," Gwen tells him. "You're outnumbered."

"It's too dangerous," he says.

"I do respect your notions of gallantry, but this isn't the time. Let them fight." Arthur doesn't want to have this conversation any more and walks away. Gwen and Morgana exchange glances.

"Give him a couple of hours," Morgana says. "Then he'll see we're right."

*****

Later that night, Gwen and Morgana talk battle tactics in their sleeping bags.

"We don't stand a chance," Gwen says.

"Arthur can't see that. He's too stupid." Their chatter wakes Merlin, who dips into their conversation in his groggy stupor.

"I do wonder why he came," Gwen says.

"Same reason we did." Both girls share a knowing look. "Merlin."

Arthur also needs to think tactics. He calls a meeting of the men together, so they can figure out a way of limiting the barbarians' movement. He is in the midst of explaining how important a trap is when there's a scream from outside.

Mathew, that bloke who stood up to the barbarians the first time they turned up, has been killed, and a note nailed to his back. The whole village gathers around.

"Look at him," Gwen says morbidly, nodding to a rather upset looking Arthur. "You'd think he'd never seen a corpse before."

"What does the note say?" Merlin asks.

"Make the most of this day, it will be your last."

"Mathew!" Arthur then has to control a wildly hysterical widow and an accusing Will. Luckily, he has Merlin to stick up for him.

"It wasn't his fault," the warlock says.

"These men are brave enough to fight for what they believe in, even if you aren't." Arthur declares.

"You're sending them to their graves! How many more have to die before you stop? When Kanan comes, you're all going to be slaughtered. You haven't got a chance." Arthur looks quite wide eyed and gorgeous and Merlin looks quite hurt.

"Seriously," Morgana says. "He can't come back to some angry peasant kid? He's going to make a crap king.

A little while later, we rejoin Merlin as he get angry at Will. He accuses Will of abandoning his friends in their hour of need. Will says the warlock did exactly the same thing.

"I'm back now!" Merlin says.

"Yes, you are and if you used your magic then no one else would have to die."

Merlin tries to tell him he can't. He doesn't want to make the choice between Arthur and his village.

"I'm not the one abandoning these people," Will says, packing his bags. Yes you are! We cry. And you're abusing our lovely sensitive warlock while you're at it. Bastard.

*****

Still, in an attempt to get Arthur to better understand Will's heckling and all round angriness, Merlin tell the prince the lad's life story. Apparently, his father was killed fighting for some lord.

"Do you think the villagers believed him?" Arthur asks.

"Well, as Gwen might say, there's nothing someone can say that you can't put right with your lovely eyes." The prince looks rather bemused.

"Why aren't you like this in Camelot?"

"I'm employed to be polite in Camelot. Here I can be antisocial. It's one of the joys of coming home."

"He's right though," Arthur says glumly. "We're doomed."

"We're not. We've got you in command. It could be worse."

"How? How could it be worse?"

"Well," the warlock ponders. "I could be leading them into battle. All you've got to do is believe in them, and the rest will take care of itself."

Merlin's mother, who has been listening in her house, hears this and panics. Her son is about to do something phenomenally stupid, and all for love.

*****

"Tomorrow morning," Arthur tells a waiting crowd, "the women and children should gather what they can carry and head for the woods."

"My arse are we doing that," Gwen says. "We're not going anywhere."

"I know you want to help-"

"Don't patronise me, mate," she warns.

"None of you know how to fight."

"Don't make me pull the coin and string trick on you, Arthur," she says darkly. The prince sighs.

"This is your home," he says. "If you want to defend it, it's your choice. It'll be an honour to stand along side you." Except I might not fight next to Morgana, he thinks. She's pretty lethal. Arthur then proceeds to deliver a throughrally rousing speech to the villagers. He tells them they're all equals, something a noble's never told them before. In hindsight, Merlin thinks, the prince could have left out the bit about agriculture. However, the way the firelight just dances all over his skin covers it well.

Gwen looks on with pride. This boy, she thinks, is going to serve the revolution well.

Merlin's mother thinks she's done something very bad in summoning her son. She tells him she knows what he is planning to do.

"If it comes to a choice between saving people's lives and showing Arthur what I really am, there is no choice."

"You daft, daft sensitive kid," she chides.

"If Arthur doesn't accept me for who I am, he's not the friend I thought he was."

Oh dear, we think. That's got a bit of an ominous ring to it.

*****

Gwen doesn't like bring people breakfast. She considers it snobby. Morgana's different, of course, because she lets her eat her breakfast with her. Arthur's just a prince though, and Gwen doesn't like that.

"Arthur, Hunith [3] made you some food." He pulls a face at the porridge. "Look here sourpuss," she says. "Food is scarce for these people. Bloody eat it."

"Gwen."

"Especially with a shortage on."

"Gwen."

"You might be a prince, but it doesn't give you the right to lord it over these people."

"Guinevere!"

"What?"

"Thank you. I'm sure it's delicious."

"If you don't eat it, I'll fucking castrate you, Pendragon or not."

"You're right." Gwen almost faints. She's never been told she's right by a royal before. It's quite nice really. "And you and Morgs were right too. I should have listened to you."

"I know. We'll be fine."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because I have faith," she says carefully. "And because I've been giving the girls some basic guerrilla warfare training."

"Um," he says. "Thank you."

"For once, Pendragon," she smiles, "you're welcome."

This little tirade seems to have an effect on Arthur. When Merlin comes to help him with his armour, he tell the warlock to put on his own.

"Bitchin' wristguards," Merlin curse.

"Here." The warlock is then treated to one of the best moments of his life so far, having his hand held by his handsome prince. I don't care about doom and death, Merlin thinks happily. I'm pleased enough as it is.

"You ready?" Arthur asks.

"Let's hope so."

"It's been an honour," the prince says, holding out his hand. Merlin takes it.

"Whatever happens out there, please don't think any different of me."

"It's alright to be scared, Merlin."

"That's not what I meant."

"What is it? If you've got something to say, now's the time to say it." Merlin gets so, so close to admitting the two things so close to his heart. So very close. Then Morgana interrupts, and it all goes to pot. So much for dying with all his sins confessed.

Arthur checks over the troops. He and Merlin do seem to be the only ones in armour, and most of the village, despite Gwen's words on weapons, seem to be fighting with brooms.

Merlin's no expert in weaponry, but he suspects that the fighting qualities of a broom don't quite match up to that of a sword.

"You frightened?" Arthur asks Gwen.

"Fuck no. I've done far worse than this," she grins. She leaps over a fence and adopts her position as the resident pyrotechnic expert.

Out of the bushes jump the barbarians. They make their charge into the village, where the fighters lie in wait.

"No one moves until I give the word," Arthur says.

On one side of the village, Gwen and one of her girls pull up the drawbridge, having left Morgana to handle the fire. This is a mistake. Morgana is not a trained arsonist.

"Something's gone wrong," Arthur says, and Merlin jumps into action.

"There's one!" Kanan shouts, spotting the warlock on the run. "Kill him!"

"Give me the flint," he tells Morgana. Waiting until she's distracted by the approaching hoards, he magics some fire up, trapping the barbarians in the village.

"Where did we get the fuel for that much fire?" Merlin ponders aloud. Arthur promptly gives the order for the attack, and the fighting commences.

For a bunch of thirty odd rural folk with three days training and a selection of sticks, they fight pretty well. Morgana proves that she's still hot to move with her sword, and Gwen takes out several barbarians with a paddle.

Just as it looks like Merlin's going to be taken out by an axe wielding man on horseback, Will appears, and takes him out with glorious precision.

"I didn't think you were coming!" Merlin says cheerily.

"Neither did I."

But the tables have turned on the villagers. The element of surprise is no longer theirs, and they appear to be being beaten back by the evil barbarians. The warlock spots his prince engrossed in fighting.

It's time for Merlin to jump into action.

With his immense magical powers, he casts up a tornado which terrorises the evil fighters, and pushes them away. People, good and bad, go flying into house, with the exception of Will, Merlin and Arthur, who remain upright to witness this feat of magical power. The barbarians make a run for it.

"Fuck yes!" Gwen shouts, leaping onto Morgana, who looks quite faint.

"Language Gwen."

"Sorry. Fuck yes, milady!"

Oh, but this isn't over. Kanan comes striding through the village, demanding a fight with Arthur, which, what with him being all noble, he accepts.

It does actually turn out to be the best fight of the series. Both men, angry and full of testosterone and endangering, just run at each other with metallic instruments of death. Arthur disarms Kanan, but the barbarian just kicks him square in the stomach and grabs another sword. Now, this isn't fair fighting!

"Kick him in the groin," Morgana growls.

Arthur prevails, however, because he is heroic. He stabs Kanan in the chest, and he goes down quite quickly.

Too quickly, in fact…

Arthur then strides over to Merlin and Will and demands to know who conjured up the gust of wind that has, in fact, saved the day.

"I know magic when I see it," he snaps. "Which one of you did it?"

"Arthur," Merlin starts, but it cut off.

"Look out!" Will shouts, elbowing Arthur out the way of Kanan's crossbow. It hits him square in the chest.

"You saved my life," the prince says in awe.

"Yes," Will says. "Don't know what I was thinking." They get the lad inside, and position him on a table. "That's twice I've saved you now," he says to Arthur.

"Twice?"

"It was me. The magic. It was most definitely me."

"Will don't!" Merlin says.

"It's alright. I'm not going to be alive much longer. You can't really do anything else to me. I saw how desperate things were becoming. I had to do something." In the depths of his heart, Merlin suspects Will's enjoying this. He always did have a taste for the dramatic.

Gwen tries to get Morgana to leave, fearing the impact of this soliloquy on her lady's long term health, but she isn't having it.

"You're a sorcerer?" Arthur asks.

"Yes. Most definitely. What you going to do, princy? Kill me?"

"No," Arthur says. "Of course not." He gives Merlin a look. "Do what you can for him." Will receives the royal pat on the shoulder, and the prince leads the Camelot locals and Hunith away, leaving Merlin with the dying boy.

"I was right about him," Will says. "I told you he was going to get me killed."

"I'm not going to let you die."

"Yes you are. I'm giving you full permission to let me go, and to continue going on being marvellous and a great servant to a great king. It was good to see you again Merlin." Will starts to splutter with death now. "Promise me you'll listen to that Gwen girl. She's got the right idea." Merlin has always been taught to agree with dying men, so nods. "Merlin, Merlin I'm scared."

"Don't be," the warlock says. "It'll be alright." He strokes the lad's hair and soothes him with kind words as he passes away.

They burn Will on a pyre that afternoon. Really, the pyre isn't big enough, but that's not the point.

"I'm sorry," Arthur says. "I know he was a close friend."

"He still is," Merlin says.

"You knew he was a source," the prince continues. Merlin doesn't want to have this conversation, because it means he's going to have to lie. "That's what you were going to tell me, wasn't it?"

"Yes. It was."

"You know how dangerous magic is. You shouldn't't've kept this from me, Merlin."

The prince walks away, and is replaced at Merlin's side by his mother.

"You better be going," she tells him.

"I don't have to go."

"Yes you do," she says. "I know about Arthur and I know the best place for you to be is by his side."

"If anything were to happen to you-"

"I'd know where to go. You've got to go. I've seen how much you mean to him, and how much he means to you. You're like two sides of the same coin." This makes Merlin jump a little.

"You're not the first person to says that." Though you are the first person without scales to say something about it, he thinks.

"When you left, you were just a boy. Now look at you." That, Merlin thinks, is what living with a raging alcoholic does to you. "When the time is right, you can let Arthur know your powers. Until then, it is best your talents remain hidden."

And the four of them from Camelot ride off into the sunset, back to Camelot.

**Coming next time…**

Is this a unicorn I see before me? Is it Arthur going to pay the price for shooting harmless animal? And the question we all want answered, is Merlin a closet vegatarian?

Tune in next time to find out...

[1] Damn right, women's lib was alive and well and living in Camelot.

[2] Or some place with too many vowels, that looks like it's been stolen from Lord of the Rings.

[3] That's Merlin's mother, according to Wiki.

LONGEST CHAPTER SO FAR! If you review, I'll give you Bollie. Celebrations all round.


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